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State Quarters Final Four!

December 19th, 2008 by Conor Lastowka · 38 Comments

State Quarter DiCaprio Medal

We have entered the Final Four of Quarterdom.  Who will take home the DiCaprio Prize?  Pry your oversized mother out of the bed and roll her over to the computer, because it’s time to crown a winner (of the semi-final round.)

All previous State Quarter action can be found here!


wi_winner.gif vs hawaii.gif

Here we have a battle that ensapsulates a few of the eternal struggles that man has witnessed through history:

“Cow vs. King” exemplifies the farmer vs the ruler, rich vs poor, Potter vs Bailey, Landed Gentry vs Gentry that is just renting for another few months til the market really bottoms out.

We also have “Cheese vs. The Law of the Splintered Paddle” which actually rarely ever comes up in real life unless you’re on day 6 of a canoeing trip that was only supposed to take 3 days, you’re lost, your canoe is run aground and you and the other survivor are forced to choose between the only food left (cheese, somehow) and the only paddle, which though still intact, has begun to splinter.  If this situation ever arises, take the paddle.  It seems counterintuitive, until you realize that you can beat your companion to death with it, then take his cheese.  So, to reemphasize, take the splintered paddle.

Finally, we have “State Motto you can’t understand because it’s in a crazy language vs. State Motto you can’t understand because it only consists of one ambiguous word”.  This one is pretty much a toss-up, but I like to imagine the exhausted governor of Wisconsin closing up the office after hours, and as he’s locking the door of the building, he glances up at the state flag, sees the word “forward” and sighs because he just spent the day slashing three million dollars of essential programs out of the education budget.

Winner:  Wisconsin.  Plus, it’s the only state quarter that could potentially be worth hundreds of dollars if the ear of corn on it happens to have an extra leaf.

alaska.gif vs nebraska.gif

This one is Alaska’s game to lose, and frankly, the only way that it could lose would be if the bear on the quarter turns out to be the bear from the movie “The Bear.”  That would suck.  But it’s not.  So, the family on the Nebraska quarter makes it as far as Chimney Rock before they are torn limb from limb, their oxen devoured, their wagon tongues and wheels strewn about the Oregon Trail like so many failed westward ventures before them.  Years later, their pioneering spirit and sacrifice will be mocked by ironic hipsters (or is that guy a nerd?  It’s getting too hard to tell.)

The worst part is that Werner Herzog gets the tape of the whole thing happening, listens to it and then tells the settlers next of kin to destroy the tape and it NEVER SURFACES ON THE INTERNET!  What the hell!?!

Winner:  Alaska.  It’s lust not satiated by salmon and Nebraska settlers, the Grizzly bear sets its eyes on America’s Dairyland


Who will emerge the victor and claim the DiCaprio prize in the Most Awesome State Quarter Contest?  We’ll find out before this year is over!

Also, if you’ve enjoyed the State Quarter tournament and need more bracketology in your life, be sure to check out Paul and Storm’s Geek Madness: The Battle for Secretary of Geek Affairs.  Voting for the first round of the first region ends soon, so go take care of it while you still can.

Tags: RiffTrax · bracketology · currency · state quarters

38 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Suzanne on Dec 19, 2008 at 4:04 pm


    I hope that bear mauls Sarah Palin’s face off.

  • 2 Nick Fechter on Dec 19, 2008 at 4:10 pm

    Wow, I never would’ve guessed it…someone actually put DiCaprio’s mug on a coin.

    The Apacolypse may now officially begin

  • 3 Remmie Barrow on Dec 19, 2008 at 4:10 pm

    Careful, a wounded Sarah Palin can still do some damage if you turn your back on it.

  • 4 Nick Fechter on Dec 19, 2008 at 4:22 pm

    I know what’cha mean.

    That poor-poor old man, he just didn’t have a chance…..

  • 5 jfruh on Dec 19, 2008 at 5:15 pm

    Is it too late to pay tribute to Nebraska’s decision to put an inhumanly large butt plug on its quarter?

  • 6 Tv Miller on Dec 19, 2008 at 7:56 pm

    Any place that has a ‘major city’ called Homer is okay by my book. Go Alaska!

  • 7 Queen Shadowrama on Dec 20, 2008 at 8:25 am

    Alaska needs to win! But I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that Wisconsin is gonna walk away with it, simply because Alaska winning would be too predictable.

    That, and certain members of Rifftrax (Mike) have a vested interest in seeing Wisconsin win the title.

    I smell a conspiracy brewing…

  • 8 Auntie Maim on Dec 20, 2008 at 3:29 pm

    *sigh* I wish I could be an ironic hipster…but I’m afraid I’ll never be more than a sarcastic pseudo-intellectual. Oh, the shame.

  • 9 Rowsdower on Dec 20, 2008 at 3:36 pm

    Hmmm… a giant bear vs. a giant cow… the only way Alaska can lose is if the bear is lactose intolerant.

  • 10 gojikranz on Dec 20, 2008 at 9:39 pm

    alaska ftw

  • 11 Melman on Dec 21, 2008 at 1:51 pm

    I was sure Hawaii would be in the final.

  • 12 Brooke on Dec 24, 2008 at 12:51 am

    No that’s just Wisonsin’s lovely beers you smell. Plus putting cheese on top is like saying I love you… so you know there’s a lot of emotion behind that coin. Black out drunk, cheese filled, road side firework and porn stand emotion…

  • 13 Shell on Jan 14, 2009 at 9:35 am

    This is a web site you can get the new state quarters District of Colombia, Puerto Rice, Guam, American Samoa, Virgins Island, Mariana Island. Site is

  • 14 Sensei_Rebel on Jan 26, 2009 at 6:00 am

    Puerto Rice?

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