We have entered the Final Four of Quarterdom. Who will take home the DiCaprio Prize? Pry your oversized mother out of the bed and roll her over to the computer, because it’s time to crown a winner (of the semi-final round.)
All previous State Quarter action can be found here!
Here we have a battle that ensapsulates a few of the eternal struggles that man has witnessed through history:
“Cow vs. King” exemplifies the farmer vs the ruler, rich vs poor, Potter vs Bailey, Landed Gentry vs Gentry that is just renting for another few months til the market really bottoms out.
We also have “Cheese vs. The Law of the Splintered Paddle” which actually rarely ever comes up in real life unless you’re on day 6 of a canoeing trip that was only supposed to take 3 days, you’re lost, your canoe is run aground and you and the other survivor are forced to choose between the only food left (cheese, somehow) and the only paddle, which though still intact, has begun to splinter. If this situation ever arises, take the paddle. It seems counterintuitive, until you realize that you can beat your companion to death with it, then take his cheese. So, to reemphasize, take the splintered paddle.
Finally, we have “State Motto you can’t understand because it’s in a crazy language vs. State Motto you can’t understand because it only consists of one ambiguous word”. This one is pretty much a toss-up, but I like to imagine the exhausted governor of Wisconsin closing up the office after hours, and as he’s locking the door of the building, he glances up at the state flag, sees the word “forward” and sighs because he just spent the day slashing three million dollars of essential programs out of the education budget.
Winner: Wisconsin. Plus, it’s the only state quarter that could potentially be worth hundreds of dollars if the ear of corn on it happens to have an extra leaf.
This one is Alaska’s game to lose, and frankly, the only way that it could lose would be if the bear on the quarter turns out to be the bear from the movie “The Bear.” That would suck. But it’s not. So, the family on the Nebraska quarter makes it as far as Chimney Rock before they are torn limb from limb, their oxen devoured, their wagon tongues and wheels strewn about the Oregon Trail like so many failed westward ventures before them. Years later, their pioneering spirit and sacrifice will be mocked by ironic hipsters (or is that guy a nerd? It’s getting too hard to tell.)
The worst part is that Werner Herzog gets the tape of the whole thing happening, listens to it and then tells the settlers next of kin to destroy the tape and it NEVER SURFACES ON THE INTERNET! What the hell!?!
Winner: Alaska. It’s lust not satiated by salmon and Nebraska settlers, the Grizzly bear sets its eyes on America’s Dairyland
Who will emerge the victor and claim the DiCaprio prize in the Most Awesome State Quarter Contest? We’ll find out before this year is over!
Also, if you’ve enjoyed the State Quarter tournament and need more bracketology in your life, be sure to check out Paul and Storm’s Geek Madness: The Battle for Secretary of Geek Affairs. Voting for the first round of the first region ends soon, so go take care of it while you still can.