Backstage at a comedy club I once co-invented a little game based on this classic joke: “My dad just died in Alaska” “Nome?” “Of course I knew him – he was my dad”. You see, the follow up question is the key – what kind of insensitive idiot would, upon hearing that someone’s father had just died, offer not condolences, but a stupid question about the beloved’s geographical location?
Which leads to the game: try to come up with tortured set-ups, leading to ever more stupid follow-ups, ending in colossally annoying puns.
Example: “I was just eating skirt steak with a fictional character from the Star Wars universe.” “Chewie?” “No, it was actually quite tender as skirt steak goes.”
Hours of fun!
By the way, I won the competition (that is, I ended everyone’s interest in it) with this: “I was just playing rodent tug-of-war with a famous Enlightenment Philosopher.” “Voltaire?” “No, surprisingly, it stayed in one piece.”
**UPDATE**
These people deserve to have a light shone on their work.
From ROB:
“I went windsurfing around Poole harbour at the weekend.”
“In Dorset?”
“Yeah, I’d recommend it to anyone.”
From PENGUIN:
“That former Baywatch star is posing nude in Playboy again.”
“Pamela Anderson?”
“No, just her.”
From CHUCK J: (it’s the “-ish” that sold me on it)
“I’m vacationing in eastern Africa, and I want to wear something like a TV science educator would wear.”
“Nairobi?”
“No, I was thinking more Mr. Wizard coat-ish.”
From ONIL: (nice torturing of the set-up)
“I was just hanging out with HarveyFierstein and Bruce Valanche in New York City borough located on Long Island that isn’t Brooklyn.”
“Queens?”
“Actually, I think they’re bears.”
93 responses so far ↓
1 kipsy on Jan 5, 2009 at 11:35 am
“I was chatting with this southern broad, it was like she was out of some weird stream-of-consciousness post-WWII southern novel.”
“Faulkner?”
“None of your damn business!”
2 Mike Nelson on Jan 5, 2009 at 11:48 am
Nice!
And just to get out of the way: “I was eating my favorite smoked breakfast meat with a famous 20th century painter of often grotesque works”
“Bacon?”
“No, ham steaks, actually.”
3 kipsy on Jan 5, 2009 at 12:00 pm
As a crucifix salesman, I wonder what makes these seminarians such good customers?
Celibate?
Every last one!
4 WildRebel on Jan 5, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Got a lot of mileage outta this one in kindergarten:
“Whatcha eating under there?”
“Under where?”
“Ewwwww!”
5 Tv Miller on Jan 5, 2009 at 12:26 pm
“You were pretty drunk at that party when you stole that chocolate.”
“Sauce?”
“I’m sure someone did.”
6 chrismartindeed on Jan 5, 2009 at 12:30 pm
I tried your game on several friends from college. It didn’t play out as I hoped.
Me: I was just playing rodent tug-of-war with a famous Enlightenment Philosopher.
Friend: Pascal?
Me: Uhhh, who?
7 Rob on Jan 5, 2009 at 12:35 pm
UK-centric entry…
“I went windsurfing around Poole harbour at the weekend.”
“In Dorset?”
“Yeah, I’d recommend it to anyone.”
8 Mike Nelson on Jan 5, 2009 at 12:39 pm
A perfect example. A+
9 Ninjew on Jan 5, 2009 at 12:41 pm
“My wife just died after suffering through months of chemotherapy.”
“Cancer?”
“No, she was a Sagittarius.”
10 Ninjew on Jan 5, 2009 at 12:46 pm
“I finally finished reading La Comédie Humaine!”
“Balzac?”
“No, but my legs got a little bit numb from sitting so long.”
11 Tim on Jan 5, 2009 at 12:48 pm
“My brother and his wife have gone missing while backpacking their way through the Carpathian mountains. Authorities have called off the search…”
“Hungary?”
“Of course! They only packed enough food for 3 days!”
12 Ninjew on Jan 5, 2009 at 12:51 pm
“I got back from climbing the highest mountain in the world!”
“Everest?”
“Are you kidding? I’m exhausted!”
13 Ninjew on Jan 5, 2009 at 12:54 pm
“I’m sorry that I’m so upset. I just found out my entire family was murdered in a Nazi concentration camp.”
“Jewish”
“Why would I wish that on ANYONE? I can’t believe you’d actually even consider saying such a heartless thing! I hate you I Hate You I HATE YOU!!!!”
14 Rob on Jan 5, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Further attempts with towns and villages in South West England…
“Yeah, we had a great time in Devon. We even had time to catch a film during the Fritz Lang festival.”
“Torquay?”
“No it was Dr. Mabuse – one his silent films.”
“I went to a poetry night in a village hall near Yeovil.”
“Ryme Intrinseca?”
“Actually a lot of it was blank verse.”
I should probably stop now
15 Penguin on Jan 5, 2009 at 1:22 pm
“Gay San Franciscans made a lot of progress thanks to the mayor.”
“Newsom?”
“Uh, yeah, I lived in the Castro.”
16 Nick Fechter on Jan 5, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Adolf Hitler: “What!? I though that would be funny!”
17 Penguin on Jan 5, 2009 at 1:27 pm
“That former Baywatch star is posing nude in Playboy again.”
“Pamela Anderson?”
“No, just her.”
18 michael on Jan 5, 2009 at 1:29 pm
“I’m thinking about writing a history of British conflicts, specifically the Transvaal War. What do you think? Be honest.”
“Boer?”
“Philistine!”
19 Nick Fechter on Jan 5, 2009 at 1:33 pm
“I recently visited a village in north-east England.”
“Crabbs Cross?”
“I already put the shampoo on it okay!”
20 Penguin on Jan 5, 2009 at 1:36 pm
“That Legally Blonde actress makes me sick. I’d like to break her face in.”
“Witherspoon?”
“No, with my fists.”
21 Chuck J on Jan 5, 2009 at 1:37 pm
In the “most tortured” category:
“I’m vacationing in eastern Africa, and I want to wear something like a TV science educator would wear.”
“Nairobi?”
“No, I was thinking more Mr. Wizard coat-ish.”
(The Pamela Anderson one is my favorite so far.)
22 Penguin on Jan 5, 2009 at 1:40 pm
“I saw Sonny Bono’s ex hit a slot machine jackpot!”
“Cher?”
“No, she kept it all.”
23 Remmie Barrow on Jan 5, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Yeah, I try to avoid puns as much as I can…they can be lethal if not done properly.
24 Nick Fechter on Jan 5, 2009 at 1:53 pm
“Oh my God! That woman is getting away with the priceless statue of the Roman Emporer!”
“Ceasar?”
“Well what the hell do I pay you for!? Arrest her!”
25 blablover5 on Jan 5, 2009 at 2:04 pm
“My wifes been perfecting a special Chinese pepper dish.”
“Szechwan?”
“No, she’s pretty tan actually.”
26 michael on Jan 5, 2009 at 2:19 pm
That’s funny!
27 Natureboy (Ken) on Jan 5, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Perfect!
28 Natureboy (Ken) on Jan 5, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Nice!
29 Natureboy (Ken) on Jan 5, 2009 at 3:14 pm
“I was at the club last night and started heckling this ugly chick playing a fancy guitar.”
“Fender?”
“I’ll say, she about slapped the shit out of me.”
30 Queen Shadowrama on Jan 5, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Man, it took me like five minutes to get this one (my brain isn’t working today) but when I finally did get it, I laughed long and hard.
Excellent job.
31 BEMaven on Jan 5, 2009 at 4:02 pm
“Hey, let’s try out for bit parts in that movie ‘Troy’. I know the guy who’s playing the King of Sparta.”
“Menelaus?”
“Lord, I hope not!”
32 Penguin on Jan 5, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Haha, good one!
33 Will McIntosh on Jan 5, 2009 at 4:19 pm
“I just got a seasonal job as a Santa’s Little… Uh…”
“Helper?”
“No! I can work this one out on my own…”
34 Bullwinkle on Jan 5, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Mike, do you any video of your old stand up and when will you post it. You know it’s the right thing to do Mike… you know…
35 Will McIntosh on Jan 5, 2009 at 4:31 pm
I just thought of another one…
“I need to know how many members of European nobility are coming over for dinner!”
“Viscount?”
“So that I know how many chairs to put at the table!”
36 Hayden on Jan 5, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Back in the 1800’s the Apache tribe lived in the colorado mountains. It was thier custom to select the two best men of the tribe and put them to the test in order to determine who would become the new chief. One day the time came and two braves were selected. The first was named Running Bear; the second Falling Rocks. The two brave warriors were sent into the woods with the challege of killing the biggest buck they could find and bringing it back to the tribe. This was an easy task for Running Bear because he was tall, strong and agile. He was leathal with an arrow from two hundred yards. Falling Rocks however was not as gifted. But what he lacked in brawn he more that made up for it with cunning. He decided that he would stalk Running Bear and let him kill the elk and take it from him. The moment came as Running Bear took aim and slew the elk. Falling Rocks took his chance and ambushed Running Bear. Running Bear then proceeded to physically dismantle Falling Rocks. He beat Falling Rocks with in an inch of his life. Just as Running Bear raised his hand to deliver the killing stroke he stopped himself. He instead told Falling Rocks to flee and never return. Falling rocks obeyed and was never seen again. That’s why to this day when you travel through the Rocky Mountains you see signs that say watch for falling rocks.
37 Ryan on Jan 5, 2009 at 5:13 pm
This brings up a question I’ve always wanted to ask, Mike. What was your standup routine like?
Unless it was you doing these jokes for twenty minutes. In which case, glad you got that second job.
38 Ryan on Jan 5, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Oh, I didn’t see you had already mentioned it.
39 Kat on Jan 5, 2009 at 5:19 pm
“I went to Africa. I played cards with the natives.”
“Zulus?”
“No, I usually won.”
Kat
40 michael on Jan 5, 2009 at 6:49 pm
“A mean dog chased me up a tree but I fell when I lost my grip on the tree’s outer most protective layer.”
“Bark?”
“No, he bit me as well.”
41 Katie M. on Jan 5, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Haha! A friend of mine rolled out that old chestnut just the other day whilst in the throes of a Bill Cosby impersonation. Ah splendid…
42 Katie M. on Jan 5, 2009 at 7:25 pm
BAHahahahaha!!!!!! Brilliant!
43 Katie M. on Jan 5, 2009 at 7:29 pm
Does cbscure French humor count?
“I was just reading about the mistress/possible secret wife of Louis XIV.”
“Maintenon?”
“No, hier.”
Kill me.
44 Dover on Jan 5, 2009 at 7:34 pm
i’ve actually heard that as a different joke
Did you hear that actress got stabbed to death? Reese…..
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
45 Rob T Firefly on Jan 5, 2009 at 7:43 pm
“My wife and I got into a huge fight last night! She hit me with anything she could find. At one point, she bashed me over the head with a heavy book of English plays!”
“Pinter?”
“I did for a moment, but then she reversed the hold and suplexed me through the coffee table.”
46 Bullwinkle on Jan 5, 2009 at 7:49 pm
My question was also supposed to have a question mark in there.
47 Houndstooth Mind on Jan 5, 2009 at 8:23 pm
I’m inviting friends over to play the national game of India and I’d like to serve a pizza with different toppings on each half.
Parcheesi?
No I think I’ll go with mushroom and sausage.
(yes it’s dreadful but I wanted to play)
48 mrbasehart on Jan 5, 2009 at 8:33 pm
“One of the Rifftrax gang ate my apple!”
“Corbett?”
“Yes, the entire thing!”
49 matula on Jan 5, 2009 at 9:44 pm
“My prostitute gave me a hamburger that didn’t have that stuff that makes cows grow bigger.”
“Hormones?”
“No, she just breathes heavy.”
50 Katy on Jan 5, 2009 at 11:21 pm
“I got first place in the RV big air competition.”
“Winnebago?”
“No, it was just a trophy and a gift certificate to Chuck-a-rama.”
51 Mike R on Jan 5, 2009 at 11:45 pm
“I heard some beautiful piano music in the background while talking with a customer at my kitchenware store.”
“Chopin?”
“No, I showed him a skillet.”
52 Mike R on Jan 5, 2009 at 11:52 pm
“I really like discussing philosophy while shaping a soft modeling compound principally used by children.”
“Plato?”
“No, Silly Putty.”
53 Scooter on Jan 6, 2009 at 12:30 am
“My grandfather just died”
“Mourning?”
“No, it happened last night”
“I just bought an electric keyboard from from a famous female singer”
“Casio?”
“No,Karen O” (from Yeah Yeah Yeahs….)
54 Pak-Man on Jan 6, 2009 at 12:58 am
I was just riding some of my favorite military vehicles!
Tanks?
No need to thank me. I’d do it for free.
55 Tom S on Jan 6, 2009 at 1:07 am
“The cast of This Island Earth and I were racing to the birthplace of our favorite Enlightenment thinker.”
“Pascal?”
“No, I couldn’t even beat Brak.”
56 Nick Fechter on Jan 6, 2009 at 5:11 am
Ha Ha, classic….
57 Ninjew on Jan 6, 2009 at 5:28 am
Thank you Davy Jones and Mickey Dolenz!
58 Ninjew on Jan 6, 2009 at 5:39 am
“I just learned to speak Native American!”
“How?”
“Why must everything be stereotypes to you?!”
59 Ninjew on Jan 6, 2009 at 5:40 am
“I just found out that Matt Smith is the newest actor to play The Doctor!”
“Who?”
“So you’ve heard the news too, huh!”
60 Ninjew on Jan 6, 2009 at 5:42 am
“Do you know the name of the first baseman on Abbott and Costello’s baseball team?”
“Who.”
“The guy on first.”
“Who.”
“The first baseman!”
“Who is on first!”
“I’m askin’ YOU Who is on first!”
61 Ninjew on Jan 6, 2009 at 5:45 am
“My daughter’s teacher says she has trouble paying attention in spelling class.”
“A.D.D.?”
“No, she’s doing fine in math.”
62 Mstmompj on Jan 6, 2009 at 5:53 am
“Mike Nelson posted an example of time-wasting word play on the Rifftrax blog and the comments thread has really taken off.”
“Punnish?”
“Yes, please, he really deserves it for inflicting this kind of deep hurting.”
63 chrismartindeed on Jan 6, 2009 at 7:40 am
Okay, you win!
Unless you used an Interociter to cheat.
64 chrismartindeed on Jan 6, 2009 at 7:58 am
“I heard Mike Nelson is so flush from Rifftrax business that he hired a foreign girl to look after his kids.”
“Au pair?”
“No, just one.”
(Conor… Kevin… Bill… Anyone… please post something and stop us from hurting ourselves!)
65 Casey on Jan 6, 2009 at 8:14 am
YES! awesome.
66 Onil on Jan 6, 2009 at 8:34 am
“I was just hanging out with HarveyFierstein and Bruce Valanche in New York City borough located on Long Island that isn’t Brooklyn.”
“Queens?”
“Actually, I think they’re bears.”
67 Kevin Murphy on Jan 6, 2009 at 9:03 am
1.) “Just got back from a lovely town in western Wisconsin. They make the most wonderful pastry there.”
“Eau Claire?”
“No, it was a culler.”
2.) “Nobody can stop the string of injuries at the Harley-Davidson factory!”
“Kenosha?”
“No, the government is powerless.”
See? You folks rock. Wisconsin-based groaners are all I have.
68 chrismartindeed on Jan 6, 2009 at 9:12 am
I meant a new blog entry!
Brain swelling… Head about to blow….
69 Hayden on Jan 6, 2009 at 9:21 am
“Marge had to leave the office sick today.”
“Staph Infection?”
“No just her.”
70 Mike R on Jan 6, 2009 at 11:21 am
“The waitress tried to talk me out of my breakfast order.”
“Waffle?”
“No, I held my ground.”
“I should do something about my unkepmt hair. Also, my father just died in western Illinois.”
“Macomb?”
“No thanks, I’ll use my own.”
71 Heather on Jan 6, 2009 at 1:15 pm
“So I was standing in the bakery, filling a pastry bag with whipped cream, when my boss comes in and demands that we stop working on the profiteroles and instead make a cake for her pet baby bear in the shape of a small airplane!”
“Piper Cub?”
“No, just the cream puffs. The bear probably wouldn’t have liked that.”
72 Melman on Jan 6, 2009 at 1:44 pm
When we were coming back from our holiday, my wife was arrested for smuggling drugs on the plane!
Jamaica?
No, she put a condom full of heroin up her bottom of her own accord.
73 Russ Rogers on Jan 6, 2009 at 5:13 pm
“I lost a fortune to an investment banker running a Ponzi scheme!”
“Really? Bernie Madoff, with your money?”
“Yeah. That son of a bitch took every last nickel!”
74 randommanthefirst on Jan 6, 2009 at 5:26 pm
“Did you hear? The guy who invented pancake mix killed his wife!”
“Batter?”
“No he shot her!”
And this particularly nauseating one…
“A dozen of the cybernetic bad guys from Star Trek abducted the star of ‘McHale’s Navy!’”
“Borgnine?”
“No, I said there were 12.”
75 Darth_Groucho on Jan 6, 2009 at 6:21 pm
My grandfathewr used to call my uncle a russian revolutionary whenever the had an argument.
Bullshavic.
No, he really would.
76 Darth_Groucho on Jan 6, 2009 at 6:26 pm
We went to Cedar Pointe for Halloween last year and it was so warm we took a dip in the lake.”
“Eerie”
No, just spooky enough for the kids.”
77 michael on Jan 6, 2009 at 7:12 pm
“I ran into a crazy pop star and she made a sound like some UK farm animal.”
“Britney?”
“No, more like a Scottish oink.”
78 Chuck J on Jan 6, 2009 at 8:14 pm
“My brother Otto just had his arm taken off by a grain thresher on his farm in Canada.”
“Ottowa?”
“I said he had his arm taken off by a grain thresher.”
79 Blair on Jan 6, 2009 at 9:53 pm
“I was reading about the blind african american pianist who accidentally stuck his fingers up a woman’s butt”
“Stevie Wonder?”
“No, he “two’d” her”
80 Charlie W on Jan 7, 2009 at 5:48 am
“Last night I met this wonderful woman working on a high energy particle accelerator.”
“Supercollider?”
“Heavens no! I hardly knew her!”
81 Mr. Alexander on Jan 7, 2009 at 8:25 am
“So I was listening to some of my Roaring 20’s records with my favorite cast member of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.”
“Jazz?”
“No, it was more Big Band music.”
82 Mr. Alexander on Jan 7, 2009 at 8:27 am
That just earned an at-the-office chuckle by making me picture a small woman suplexing a grown man through a coffee table…
83 Wesley Stamper on Jan 7, 2009 at 5:17 pm
You may be mispronouncing poor Ms. Spears’ name, but it made me laugh out loud all the same.
84 RiffLover on Jan 9, 2009 at 12:11 pm
I play a time-waster game like this with my friends, but it’s somewhat more interactive. It really takes two to keep it going. The trick is to never actually say the word the other guy is suggesting; you have to figure it out, then give the word its next twist.
Example:
Me: “I used to love to smoke that one brand of cigars … you know, the Hyde Park, the Duke of Devon?”
You: “Are you sure you aren’t thinking of a pseudo-Japanese comic opera by Gilbert and Sullivan?”
Me: “No, no, you’re thinking of a fast food chain that has served 88 billion customers.”
You: “Ah, you’re thinking of the political commentator and host of a group-based political talk show.”
And so on.
85 Wesley Stamper on Jan 9, 2009 at 2:49 pm
I want to know more of the rules. Could my response be:
“Are you talking about the girl who played John Stamos’ girlfriend on Full House?”
Or would it have to be:
“Surely you’re referring to the hosts of The Great White North?”
86 RiffLover on Jan 9, 2009 at 10:18 pm
You’ve got the idea, Wesley! Your first response is fully within the chalk lines, and is, in fact, the kind of NECESSARY response that keeps the game going – because now we can cross-jump to such responses as “No, you’re thinking of that Scottish sea monster”, or better yet, “You’re mixing that up with a vintage, maze-centric video game from the 80s, featuring a thief being chased by four policemen.”
The more cryptic the response, the better, obviously.
87 R.A. Roth on Jan 10, 2009 at 12:36 pm
“I was trying to remember who wrote Smokey and the Bandit?”
“Needham?”
“No thanks, I already ate.”
Randy
88 ShutterBun on Jan 14, 2009 at 6:26 pm
“I dropped my waffle on the beach when I was visiting Sea World.”
“San Diego?”
Nah, it was fine once I brushed it off.”
89 ShutterBun on Jan 14, 2009 at 6:34 pm
“Last night I went to bed with one of the guys from Rifftrax!”
“Murphy?”
“Nope, canopy.”
“Sounds quite appetizing.”
90 ShutterBun on Jan 14, 2009 at 7:02 pm
“Hey dad, you wanna come sailing with me off the coast of Maine?”
“Kennebunkport?”
“Nah, you sleep starboard side this trip.”
(gah…these are too easy!)
91 Ding on Jan 23, 2009 at 12:40 pm
“Me and the boys were gonna pick up a country album, but dang it if we t’weren’t outta money”
“Johnny Cash?”
Nah, we’re gettin’ paid this week.”
92 jopageri on Mar 5, 2009 at 5:56 pm
” … and i distinctly heard him say, ‘jew eat?’ “
93 フィンペシア on Oct 15, 2011 at 8:16 am
983
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