Man. I turn my back from the mass media for one minute and another startling conspiracy surfaces. Why am I the one who has to unmask the real identity of prolific, brilliant, half-mad author Neil Gaiman?
Why didn’t anyone else see this coming? Why am I the only one to realize that Neil is actually groaning, tortured, half-mad folk-rock poet Leonard Cohen, who maintains his astonishing youth and beauty by feasting on the pineal glands of innocent women?! I mean come on, even the microphone is the same!! Jeez, I feel like Rowdy Roddy Piper here!
Back me up here people, tell me I’m not the one on crazy pills. I mean 2009 is s’posed to be this big huge Year of Change, so help me unmask a few of these things, okay?!
47 responses so far ↓
1 godsized on Jan 6, 2009 at 9:56 am
I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… and I’m all out of bubblegum. So put on your sunglasses, open a copy of Sandman, see the hidden pro corperate consumerism text, and let the ass kickery commence
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Reply from Rob T Firefly on January 6, 2009:
I’m all out of ass.
2 Jeffrey Thames [King of Grief] on Jan 6, 2009 at 10:11 am
Gaiman…rhymes (more or less) with Diamond.
Rethink about it.
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Reply from Neil Gaiman on January 6, 2009:
Rhymes with Damon, really. It’s an AY not an EYE.
Just saying.
Reply from Laura on January 6, 2009:
lol ur naem is gayman
Reply from Jeffrey Thames [King of Grief] on January 7, 2009:
I work at a used bookstore. Some of my fellow employees are comic and sci-fi fiends. They say it rhymes with Diamond. I know better than to argue with comic/sci-fi fiend used bookstore employees, especially if I can’t escape them for eight hours.
Reply from Neil Gaiman on January 7, 2009:
Well, there’s an FAQ on my website, www.neilgaiman.com, that says how it’s pronounced.
And people who work in SF and Comic stores always know everything, but they are mostly wrong.
Reply from Laura on January 7, 2009:
It is you! Sorry, I was a joking fool. I will be properly punished, sir.
Reply from Jeffrey Thames [King of Grief] on January 7, 2009:
Forgive my skepticism, but I want verification. I just haven’t figured out what that would be yet.
Reply from Wesley Stamper on January 7, 2009:
How ’bout a link to this very blog on Neil’s homepage?
http://journal.neilgaiman.com/
Or were you seeking verification that Neil knows how to pronounce his own last name?
Reply from jason on January 8, 2009:
Jeffrey, I’d like to side with a fellow KPFT DJ, however Neil himself corrected me when I met him and said his name wrong (Guy-man instead of Gay-man). It’s definitely ‘Gay-man’…
Reply from Jeffrey Thames [King of Grief] on January 8, 2009:
Identification verified. Sorry about that, Mr. Gaiman, but this IS the Internet, after all. Thing is, I was pronouncing it right until I started working with all those geeks. Blame it on my environment.
Hi, Jason.
3 James Shearhart on Jan 6, 2009 at 10:13 am
You should hear Neil’s cover of “Tupelo” - makes Nick Cave sound like Emo Philips imitating Pat Boone….
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4 Laura on Jan 6, 2009 at 10:50 am
Am I the only one who thinks Cohen bears a slight resemblance to Alan Rickman?
I’m sorry, Kevin, I can’t help you on this issue. I don’t listen to Gaiman or Cohen.
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Reply from Beautiful Houndstooth on January 6, 2009:
You are not alone. I am here with you…
Reply from Leon Daniels on January 7, 2009:
Are you slow? Neil Gaiman takes the time to post here and correct you and you come but with something inane.
Geez, way to go, Laura. Big moment for yourself.
Reply from Laura on January 7, 2009:
I’m not convinced it is Neil.
5 Onil on Jan 6, 2009 at 11:02 am
I think your picture of Leonard Cohen there sorta looks like Tom Bergeron, America’s favorite host of America’s Funniest Home Videos.
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6 wbwolf on Jan 6, 2009 at 11:12 am
It’s all Patrick Swayze’s fault!
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7 chrismartindeed on Jan 6, 2009 at 11:35 am
Bless you, Kevin. You got people’s minds off that mind-wrenching wordplay jag that Mike Nelson started. I was contemplating suicide by swallowing the entire Word-A-Day Calendar.
And you finally explained why I hear a chorus of winsome ladies singing whenever I pick up one of Gaiman’s works at Borders.
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Reply from brooke! on January 6, 2009:
Swallow the “Little book of Calm” instead. It helped Manny!
Reply from jason on January 6, 2009:
“Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it”…
8 zack on Jan 6, 2009 at 11:53 am
You, you’re okay. This one: real fuckin’ ugly.
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9 blablover5 on Jan 6, 2009 at 11:54 am
I suspect that as long as there’s been recorded history there’s been Gaiman. He’s actually one of the original authors of Beowulf. And I think he even disguised himself as Mary Shelly (you’d think Percy would have noticed but he was a bit too busy with Byron).
Cohen was just one of the clones that got dropped too hard and turned to folk poetry.
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10 Carpeteria on Jan 6, 2009 at 12:06 pm
That’s back-to-back pro wrestling references in back-to-back posts, Kevin. Don’t think you’re getting away with no one noticing, sir.
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Reply from Steven on January 7, 2009:
And this is bad because…?
11 Vicky on Jan 6, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Of course I’m willing to help Randy Bachman discover secret identities.
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12 brooke! on Jan 6, 2009 at 1:43 pm
So that last photo isn’t of Sean Bean?
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13 Remmie Barrow on Jan 6, 2009 at 2:22 pm
(Why am I the only one to realize that Neil is actually groaning, tortured, half-mad folk-rock poet Leonard Cohen, who maintains his astonishing youth and beauty by feasting on the pineal glands of innocent women?! )
Maybe you need a hobby to get your mind off that.
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Reply from euphoriafish on January 6, 2009:
Really, that phrase about pineal glands has the same effect on me that the word “castration” has on most men, at least according to Woody Allen in Bananas.
14 Nick Fechter on Jan 6, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Leonard Cohen……wasn’t he Snape in Harry Potter and Marvin in The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the galaxy?
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Reply from euphoriafish on January 6, 2009:
No, you must be thinking of the flatmate’s boyfriend in Shaun of the Dead… or maybe the best friend in Run Fatboy Run?
Reply from jason on January 6, 2009:
Dylan Moran- Wow- two Black Books mentions in one blog! Now how about The IT Crowd and The Mighty boosh?
15 Teppesh on Jan 6, 2009 at 3:32 pm
And they both look vaguely like Leonard Nimoy…
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16 euphoriafish on Jan 6, 2009 at 4:55 pm
He bears a stronger resemblance to Alan Rickman and Dylan Moran, really.
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Reply from Laura on January 6, 2009:
But lacks that silky voice….
Reply from euphoriafish on January 10, 2009:
You’d be surprised, actually. Look at the NeilHimself YouTube channel and hear Mr. Gaiman’s lovely speaking voice.
17 Aimee on Jan 7, 2009 at 10:31 am
Their microphones actually aren’t the same…and Cohen’s French-Canadian turned monk now in his early 70’s with a bit of white hair and played guitar.
Neil Gaiman is British on the otherhand played drums (I think)
So perhaps they were part of the same band long ago…but they’re both among the greatest artists in the weaving of tales.
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Reply from Charity on January 7, 2009:
Actually, Neil played bass.
Reply from Jeffrey Thames [King of Grief] on January 8, 2009:
Mama sang tenor?
18 Charity on Jan 7, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Look up Philip Glass and you’ll see what Neil would look like if he aged.
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19 euphoriafish on Jan 7, 2009 at 8:14 pm
Neil printed my message in his blog today. But like the dork I am I forgot to sign the content, so he didn’t print my name.
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20 Cibernetico 2 on Jan 8, 2009 at 7:12 pm
Wow. Kevin Murphy. Two wrestling references in one weeks time. You are a god to me, sir.
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21 The awful truth on Jan 8, 2009 at 11:54 pm
[…] wrote today that you are secretly Leonard Cohen. Are you? Photographic evidence points to yes: http://blog.rifftrax.com/2009/01/06/okay-now-what-the-hell/Or to quote Kevin Murphy,Why didn’t anyone else see this coming? Why am I the only one to […]
22 R.A. Roth on Jan 10, 2009 at 12:19 pm
They Live just doesn’t get the respect it deserves. Read that however you see fit.
Randy
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23 quistisffviii on Jan 11, 2009 at 10:15 am
On The Essential Leonard Cohen CD I have, I thought a picture of him looked like Dustin Hoffman.
Why isn’t his music well known here in the US? I found out about him through the movies Pump Up The Volume and Secretary. His music is moving.
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24 Sherryness on Jan 16, 2009 at 12:30 am
As I read this, I am listening to ‘A Thousand Kisses Deep’ by Leonard Cohen - no joke. That’s a little bit frightening, actually…
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