The RiffTrax Blog header image 1

Okay, NOW What the Hell?!

January 6th, 2009 by Kevin Murphy · 48 Comments

Man.  I turn my back from the mass media for one minute and another startling conspiracy surfaces.  Why am I the one who has to unmask the real identity of prolific, brilliant, half-mad author Neil Gaiman?

neilleonard

Why didn’t anyone else see this coming?  Why am I the only one to realize that Neil is actually groaning, tortured, half-mad folk-rock poet Leonard Cohen, who maintains his astonishing youth and beauty by feasting on the pineal glands of innocent women?!  I mean come on, even the microphone is the same!! Jeez, I feel like Rowdy Roddy Piper here!

Back me up here people, tell me I’m not the one on crazy pills.  I mean 2009 is s’posed to be this big huge Year of Change, so help me unmask a few of these things, okay?!

bprpiper

Tags: People Kevin Doesn't Resemble · Poliitics · RiffTrax · Shocking Conspiracies Only Kevin Sees · Trends

48 responses so far ↓

  • 1 godsized on Jan 6, 2009 at 9:56 am

    I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… and I’m all out of bubblegum. So put on your sunglasses, open a copy of Sandman, see the hidden pro corperate consumerism text, and let the ass kickery commence

  • 2 Jeffrey Thames [King of Grief] on Jan 6, 2009 at 10:11 am

    Gaiman…rhymes (more or less) with Diamond.

    Rethink about it.

  • 3 James Shearhart on Jan 6, 2009 at 10:13 am

    You should hear Neil’s cover of “Tupelo” – makes Nick Cave sound like Emo Philips imitating Pat Boone….

  • 4 Neil Gaiman on Jan 6, 2009 at 10:44 am

    Rhymes with Damon, really. It’s an AY not an EYE.

    Just saying.

  • 5 Laura on Jan 6, 2009 at 10:50 am

    Am I the only one who thinks Cohen bears a slight resemblance to Alan Rickman?

    I’m sorry, Kevin, I can’t help you on this issue. I don’t listen to Gaiman or Cohen.

  • 6 Laura on Jan 6, 2009 at 10:51 am

    lol ur naem is gayman

  • 7 Onil on Jan 6, 2009 at 11:02 am

    I think your picture of Leonard Cohen there sorta looks like Tom Bergeron, America’s favorite host of America’s Funniest Home Videos.

  • 8 wbwolf on Jan 6, 2009 at 11:12 am

    It’s all Patrick Swayze’s fault!

  • 9 chrismartindeed on Jan 6, 2009 at 11:35 am

    Bless you, Kevin. You got people’s minds off that mind-wrenching wordplay jag that Mike Nelson started. I was contemplating suicide by swallowing the entire Word-A-Day Calendar.

    And you finally explained why I hear a chorus of winsome ladies singing whenever I pick up one of Gaiman’s works at Borders.

  • 10 zack on Jan 6, 2009 at 11:53 am

    You, you’re okay. This one: real fuckin’ ugly.

  • 11 blablover5 on Jan 6, 2009 at 11:54 am

    I suspect that as long as there’s been recorded history there’s been Gaiman. He’s actually one of the original authors of Beowulf. And I think he even disguised himself as Mary Shelly (you’d think Percy would have noticed but he was a bit too busy with Byron).

    Cohen was just one of the clones that got dropped too hard and turned to folk poetry.

  • 12 Carpeteria on Jan 6, 2009 at 12:06 pm

    That’s back-to-back pro wrestling references in back-to-back posts, Kevin. Don’t think you’re getting away with no one noticing, sir.

  • 13 Vicky on Jan 6, 2009 at 12:42 pm

    Of course I’m willing to help Randy Bachman discover secret identities.

  • 14 Rob T Firefly on Jan 6, 2009 at 12:46 pm

    I’m all out of ass.

  • 15 brooke! on Jan 6, 2009 at 1:41 pm

    Swallow the “Little book of Calm” instead. It helped Manny!

  • 16 brooke! on Jan 6, 2009 at 1:43 pm

    So that last photo isn’t of Sean Bean?

  • 17 Remmie Barrow on Jan 6, 2009 at 2:22 pm

    (Why am I the only one to realize that Neil is actually groaning, tortured, half-mad folk-rock poet Leonard Cohen, who maintains his astonishing youth and beauty by feasting on the pineal glands of innocent women?! )

    Maybe you need a hobby to get your mind off that.

  • 18 Nick Fechter on Jan 6, 2009 at 2:40 pm

    Leonard Cohen……wasn’t he Snape in Harry Potter and Marvin in The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the galaxy?

  • 19 Teppesh on Jan 6, 2009 at 3:32 pm

    And they both look vaguely like Leonard Nimoy…

  • 20 Beautiful Houndstooth on Jan 6, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    You are not alone. I am here with you…

  • 21 euphoriafish on Jan 6, 2009 at 4:55 pm

    He bears a stronger resemblance to Alan Rickman and Dylan Moran, really.

  • 22 euphoriafish on Jan 6, 2009 at 4:58 pm

    No, you must be thinking of the flatmate’s boyfriend in Shaun of the Dead… or maybe the best friend in Run Fatboy Run?

  • 23 euphoriafish on Jan 6, 2009 at 4:59 pm

    Really, that phrase about pineal glands has the same effect on me that the word “castration” has on most men, at least according to Woody Allen in Bananas.

  • 24 Laura on Jan 6, 2009 at 8:48 pm

    But lacks that silky voice….

  • 25 jason on Jan 6, 2009 at 11:46 pm

    “Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it”…

  • 26 jason on Jan 6, 2009 at 11:48 pm

    Dylan Moran- Wow- two Black Books mentions in one blog! Now how about The IT Crowd and The Mighty boosh?

  • 27 Leon Daniels on Jan 7, 2009 at 12:39 am

    Are you slow? Neil Gaiman takes the time to post here and correct you and you come but with something inane.

    Geez, way to go, Laura. Big moment for yourself.

  • 28 Laura on Jan 7, 2009 at 9:10 am

    I’m not convinced it is Neil.

    :(

  • 29 Jeffrey Thames [King of Grief] on Jan 7, 2009 at 10:11 am

    I work at a used bookstore. Some of my fellow employees are comic and sci-fi fiends. They say it rhymes with Diamond. I know better than to argue with comic/sci-fi fiend used bookstore employees, especially if I can’t escape them for eight hours.

  • 30 Aimee on Jan 7, 2009 at 10:31 am

    Their microphones actually aren’t the same…and Cohen’s French-Canadian turned monk now in his early 70’s with a bit of white hair and played guitar.
    Neil Gaiman is British on the otherhand played drums (I think)

    So perhaps they were part of the same band long ago…but they’re both among the greatest artists in the weaving of tales.
    :)

  • 31 Neil Gaiman on Jan 7, 2009 at 11:00 am

    Well, there’s an FAQ on my website, http://www.neilgaiman.com, that says how it’s pronounced.

    And people who work in SF and Comic stores always know everything, but they are mostly wrong.

  • 32 Steven on Jan 7, 2009 at 11:04 am

    And this is bad because…?

  • 33 Laura on Jan 7, 2009 at 11:09 am

    It is you! Sorry, I was a joking fool. I will be properly punished, sir.

  • 34 Charity on Jan 7, 2009 at 4:52 pm

    Actually, Neil played bass.

  • 35 Charity on Jan 7, 2009 at 4:58 pm

    Look up Philip Glass and you’ll see what Neil would look like if he aged.

  • 36 euphoriafish on Jan 7, 2009 at 8:14 pm

    Neil printed my message in his blog today. But like the dork I am I forgot to sign the content, so he didn’t print my name.

  • 37 Jeffrey Thames [King of Grief] on Jan 7, 2009 at 9:53 pm

    Forgive my skepticism, but I want verification. I just haven’t figured out what that would be yet.

  • 38 Wesley Stamper on Jan 7, 2009 at 10:45 pm

    How ’bout a link to this very blog on Neil’s homepage?

    http://journal.neilgaiman.com/

    Or were you seeking verification that Neil knows how to pronounce his own last name?

  • 39 jason on Jan 8, 2009 at 12:20 am

    Jeffrey, I’d like to side with a fellow KPFT DJ, however Neil himself corrected me when I met him and said his name wrong (Guy-man instead of Gay-man). It’s definitely ‘Gay-man’…

  • 40 Jeffrey Thames [King of Grief] on Jan 8, 2009 at 6:29 am

    Identification verified. Sorry about that, Mr. Gaiman, but this IS the Internet, after all. Thing is, I was pronouncing it right until I started working with all those geeks. Blame it on my environment.

    Hi, Jason.

  • 41 Cibernetico 2 on Jan 8, 2009 at 7:12 pm

    Wow. Kevin Murphy. Two wrestling references in one weeks time. You are a god to me, sir.

  • 42 Jeffrey Thames [King of Grief] on Jan 8, 2009 at 9:32 pm

    Mama sang tenor?

  • 43 The awful truth on Jan 8, 2009 at 11:54 pm

    [...] wrote today that you are secretly Leonard Cohen. Are you? Photographic evidence points to yes: http://blog.rifftrax.com/2009/01/06/okay-now-what-the-hell/Or to quote Kevin Murphy,Why didn’t anyone else see this coming?  Why am I the only one to [...]

  • 44 R.A. Roth on Jan 10, 2009 at 12:19 pm

    They Live just doesn’t get the respect it deserves. Read that however you see fit.

    Randy

  • 45 euphoriafish on Jan 10, 2009 at 11:14 pm

    You’d be surprised, actually. Look at the NeilHimself YouTube channel and hear Mr. Gaiman’s lovely speaking voice.

  • 46 quistisffviii on Jan 11, 2009 at 10:15 am

    On The Essential Leonard Cohen CD I have, I thought a picture of him looked like Dustin Hoffman.

    Why isn’t his music well known here in the US? I found out about him through the movies Pump Up The Volume and Secretary. His music is moving.

  • 47 Sherryness on Jan 16, 2009 at 12:30 am

    As I read this, I am listening to ‘A Thousand Kisses Deep’ by Leonard Cohen – no joke. That’s a little bit frightening, actually…