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Business Watch: Yardstick Enterprise Co.

January 28th, 2009 by Conor Lastowka · 42 Comments

The news I received today that the infamous “Snuggie” blanket has sold over 4 Million units since its launch in August blew my mind.  The inventors and investors of this laughable infomercial product are no doubt quite wealthy for the first time ever, while the rest of us are left to wonder: How could that be me?  What new product could I invest in that will just in a few short months be flying off shelves as people frantically place phone orders for two, no four, no, seventeen of them!!!

I’m here to let you in on an advance tip.  A friend of a co-worker who runs a pet shop was recently contacted by the prestigous Yardstick Enterprise Co, a Taiwanese business juggernaut who, at the time this article went to press, still remains unknown in America.  The logo of this behemoth of commerce is seen below:

Yardstick Enterprise Co Logo

Wait wait wait!  Don’t dial your stockbroker just yet.  Sometimes a company can hide behind a flashy logo, but not have their corporate strategy together.  Before investing, you at least want reassurance that the people at the Yardstick Enterprise Co have a company-wide culture of success.  Well, here is their motto:

Yardstick Enterprise Co Motto

Now please!  I know it’s tempting to just lean out of your window and shout “BUY BUY BUY!”, like so many of your neighbors are currently doing. After all, why invest in one of Yardstick Enterprises many competitors, knowing that they might not Do Best in the case that they should Do Best? And I want to know that with my investment comes the reassurance that the company will Be Careful in the case that they should Be Careful.  After all, this could just be a motto.  An extremely catchy motto.  Fortunately, the letter from the Home Office in Taiwan did much more to reassure me:

yardstick-letter.png

Dear Sirs,

I would like to present our new product “Poopoo Taker” to you.  From the name, you should get the idea what it is used for. Yes, much like The Weather Channel or Barbecues Galore, the purpose of the Poopoo Taker remains unambiguous: it is a blanket with arms.

For more information, please visit our website: www.poopoo-taker.com.  They seem to be sticking with the “Poopoo” as one word approach, not the westernized hyphenated version of the term

We are so proud of our innovated product “Poopoo Taker”. When our CEO’s son got the lead in his third grade play, none of us were there to be proud of him because we were all at the Yardstick Enterprise office being proud of the PooPoo Taker.

But, we think that our “Poopoo Taker” isn’t only the way to clean up the feces for the earth. They are keeping a level head about them, knowing how resistant to change people are.  For some people, the only way to clean up the feces for the earth will be a plastic bag, turned inside out.  And if you’ve ever talked to someone who owns a Dyson, they won’t shut up about their vaccums ability to clean up the feces for the earth!

We sincerely hope that you and I will do something for the beautiful world together. It doesn’t have to involve poopoo!  We could paint a bridge or something.  The point is, the feces are a jumping off point.

Please send us your comments on our products or your fantasy idea to let us to build a positive and successful future for you. Rarely do discussions of feces that end with one party soliciting anonymous strangers for their fantasy ideas end well.

So there we have the sales pitch.  But all that smooth talk could just be trying to sell you Snake Oil.  Let’s check the enclosed advertising supplement that came with the letter and see if we can find out some hard details.

poo-poo-taker-ad.png

Apparently the Yardstick Enterprise Co is using a pricey ad campaign that no doubt a few of the Fortune 500 companies here in America turned down.  But are the claims of “Easy Poop Take, Easy Pet Clean Up” true? Is there a way to see the product in action?  Let’s head to the website and see for ourselves.

 

Fortunately, there is a commercial for the product.  It features several members of the Poopoo Takers core demographic: seven year old girls.  Their excitement level for this “new product” as they call it is through the roof.  Please take a moment to watch the video, after which you can finally call up your broker and have him invest your children’s college funds in Yardstick “We don’t make yardsticks, we make Poopoo Takers” Enterprises.  I welcome you aboard as a minority partner.

Tags: RiffTrax · free money · gift guide · silly

42 responses so far ↓

  • 1 michael on Jan 28, 2009 at 4:41 pm

    Good. Lord.

  • 2 Mike Nelson on Jan 28, 2009 at 5:20 pm

    Sorry Conor, all my money’s in the Bottom Buddy.

  • 3 Nick Fechter on Jan 28, 2009 at 5:23 pm

    http://www.maakies.com/

  • 4 Remmie Barrow on Jan 28, 2009 at 5:25 pm

    That isn’t any weirder than bird diapers or cat toilets.

  • 5 Tripe on Jan 30, 2009 at 6:45 am

    And we’re semi back!

  • 6 jfruh on Jan 30, 2009 at 7:08 am

    My wife loves her snuggie and refuses to hear ill spoken of it. I refer to it as her “druid robe.”

  • 7 Steve R. on Jan 30, 2009 at 7:20 am

    Off topic here: what has happened to the website? Did it have anything to do with the live show?

  • 8 puerileuwaite on Jan 30, 2009 at 11:35 am

    I’ve always been more of a “Poopoo Giver”, so I plan to use mine to catch butterflies instead.

  • 9 Smuttynose on Jan 30, 2009 at 3:24 pm

    It says “Distributors wanted”. Wouldn’t the dog already be distributing?

  • 10 Matt on Jan 30, 2009 at 7:43 pm

    Haha, yes, Tony Millionaire rocks

  • 11 Auntie Maim on Jan 31, 2009 at 11:52 am

    I can just see my dog waiting patiently with her legs crossed while I prepare this gadget for her pooping pleasure.

    I bet they come out with a waterproof version called Tinkle Taker.

  • 12 RobynS8971 on Feb 6, 2009 at 9:42 am

    Isn’t this more of a PooCatcher? And does it come in sizes, this model looks like your basic Tootsie Roll catcher, I would need the Dumbo model.

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  • 19 離婚調停 on Aug 19, 2011 at 4:45 am

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