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Bacon Stupidity

January 31st, 2009 by · 364 Comments

PhotobucketI’ll get right to the good stuff: for the entire month of February, 2009, I, Michael J. Nelson will eat nothing but bacon. Nothing, my friends, but bacon.

Why? Because bacon is nature’s finest and most nourishing food. Also, because several doubters on the RiffTrax staff had the unmitigated gall to insult bacon by making the outrageous claim that, as good as it is, no one could eat very much of it and live. I can and will. Therefore I will spend the month proving it.

And I invite any and all of you to join me in my quest. If you do, I’ll certainly share your stories and blog posts.

Now for the fine print: “Bacon” shall hereafter refer to the cured and smoked fatty cuts of pork, either back, side or belly. In other words “American bacon”. No “Canadian bacon”, which is really just lunchmeat. No pork chops. No turkey bacon. No “tofacon” or any such horror. Just bacon.

No condiments allowed. No syrups, or hot sauces, or pureed vegetables in the form of ketchup. No sauces at all. Just nature’s finest bacon, all by its dignified self.

I am making allowances for the following beverages: beer, wine, martinis and water. No juices, no V8, nothing that could be construed as “healthy”. This is somewhat arbitrary, I grant you, but one bit of madness at a time, is my reasoning.

I will post as often as is practical and include pictures of my bacons (if you have any favorites and want to send them my way, please do. The photo is of my first batch, Jimmy Dean, but I have on order a nice slab of Nieman’s Ranch and some Nueske’s as well. And tomorrow I’ll make a trip to Tip Top Meats in Carlsbad for some of their fine in-house bacon.) You will just have to take my word that I will not cheat. As it is, I am a fairly committed carnivore and haven’t the slightest doubt that I can do it without difficulty, but I can understand if you’re dubious about my success. Rest assured that I would never sully the good name of bacon by cheating.

February is bacon stupidity month! Join me!


BILL adds: Let’s make it interesting, Nelson. Care to wager on whether or not you’ll make it through the month?

The stakes are: five lbs. of bacon. Do you accept?


” The photo is of my first batch, Jimmy Dean”


1) You’ve had a series of batches?

2) You’ve named them?

**Mike replies**

I accept your wager! Eating another five pounds of bacon will be like taking a victory lap at the end of the Tour de France. Only just slightly greasier.

As to your questions.

1) Dozens, yes. (Industrial accidents)

2) No, the donors did, and I tried to honor their wishes.

**Conor suggests**

In case the bacon supply runs low, this guy has a suggestion for a quick preparation method:

Tags: Month o' Bacon · RiffTrax