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Sure, it seems great, but how?

February 10th, 2009 by Mike Nelson · 44 Comments

Many people, obviously envious of the path I’ve taken for Bacon Stupidity Month have asked me how they might undertake a similar course. It may seem impossibly complex, almost Byzantine at first: you – what? – eat bacon? for a month? how? Where am I? Help! But it’s really quite simple. First, go get one of these.

Bacon raw material

Have you got one? Good. Now just turn it into this.

Hogzilla

Then broil or fry it and eat it to the exclusion of everything else!

(By the way, these ends and pieces, essentially the floor sweepings from the bacon factory, were surprisingly good, and for $1.99 a pound! Not only that, the phrase “ends and pieces” is so poetic, I’ve chosen it as the title of my autobiography, which is currently being ghost written in India somewhere.)

**UPDATE**

I forgot to show the intermediate step:

Bacon Maker

Tags: Month o' Bacon · bacon

44 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Chris Hughes on Feb 10, 2009 at 4:02 pm

    I think my browser failed to load the intermediate stages between the two images.

  • 2 randommanthefirst on Feb 10, 2009 at 4:06 pm

    I found and shot a wild boar just like you suggested and the butchering was going swimmingly until I lost a couple of fingers. Since my bacon is now infused with people, does that still fall under “eating to the exclusion of everything else?” Or do I have to start over?

  • 3 Mike Nelson on Feb 10, 2009 at 4:09 pm

    You’re fine – just be sure to put on the label “may contain traces of soylent green.”

  • 4 Chris Hughes on Feb 10, 2009 at 4:09 pm

    It depends. Do you really enjoy truffles?

  • 5 Walter on Feb 10, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    Why did the guy in the “Nature Tours” truck, kill an innocent bacon…I mean boar?

  • 6 Darth Chimay on Feb 10, 2009 at 5:33 pm

    You know, you should really end the month by making your own bacon.

  • 7 Nick Fechter on Feb 10, 2009 at 5:44 pm

    Holy crap that’s a HUGE boar! I bet if you eat the bacon of that monster you’ll turn into The Incredible Hulk.

  • 8 OxfordProle on Feb 10, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    THAT’S how we’re supposed to be completing the Great Bacon Challenge?! I’ve been buying the rubbish from grocery stores, and none of it, I’ll have you know, contains any mention of “ends” and/or “pieces”!! Damn it! I’m such a loser.

    *hangs head in profound shame*

  • 9 Lord Bob on Feb 10, 2009 at 6:07 pm

    How on earth do I turn a Range Rover into bacon?

  • 10 Laura on Feb 10, 2009 at 6:58 pm

    I’d eat it.

  • 11 Kim on Feb 10, 2009 at 7:26 pm

    Soylent green is…uh…A COUPLE OF FINGERS!!! AHHHH!!!

    Yeah I’d still eat it.

  • 12 davehop on Feb 10, 2009 at 7:52 pm

    Mike,
    In the Phillipines during WW 2 my dad was chased up a tree by a wild boar; a humiliating event by all accounts. But now the tables have turned…sweet vengence is yours!

  • 13 Scott on Feb 10, 2009 at 9:10 pm

    Bacon is more a state of preservation than a benchmark of purity. I must admit, you type pretty well with your remaining digits. Must have snipped the thumbs.

  • 14 Tim on Feb 10, 2009 at 9:32 pm

    That boar must have been in the midst of “Eating Only Davehop’s Dad Month”.

  • 15 C.G. on Feb 10, 2009 at 9:48 pm

    I agree — “ends & pieces” is quite poetic. But is has a ringing similarity to “Bits and Pieces”, a classic song by the Dave Clark Five. I wonder if they were thinking (Bacon) Bits and Pieces when thet wrote the song. Hmmm . . .

  • 16 jenifersf on Feb 10, 2009 at 10:04 pm

    *frantically googling how to make her own bacon…*

  • 17 AJ on Feb 11, 2009 at 1:34 am

    Hmm, not many boars walk round parts of my town. Then again, this town is quite rural so there are many farms nearby *grabs shotgun* I’ll let you know how I faired later. See ya!

  • 18 AmandaGal on Feb 11, 2009 at 1:54 am

    I was reading one of my foodie blogs and found a good blog for you (I’m sure you’ve seen it)
    Bacon, Bacon, Bacon
    http://baconbaconbacon.tumblr.com/

    And guess who is featured on it? Someone who did an interview with bacon today about bacon month (and Mike is featured right below a bacon thong, which I find mildly disturbing).

  • 19 randommanthefirst on Feb 11, 2009 at 4:08 am

    Duely noted Mike. I will enjoy my auto-cannibalisitic bacon. All the effort it took to make will just make it that much more delicious.

    And typing with fingers is far overrated. I’ve been smashing my face onto my keyboard for years and it has nary an effect on my ability to pointificate.

  • 20 randommanthefirst on Feb 11, 2009 at 4:13 am

    At least it wasn’t a thong made of bacon (though the erotic potential of such a thing is astounding if not for the astounding potential for burns in sensitive areas as well).

  • 21 Earl Fando on Feb 11, 2009 at 7:12 am

    I’m glad to hear (read, whatever) that the all-bacon month is going well. I know it’s a bit late, but I have posted some hopefully helpful suggestions over on our own blog (specifically http://unfortunateideas.blogspot.com/2009/02/putting-full-nelson-on-bacon.html, if you don’t mind the shameless self-promotion).

    As for the bacon thong, what a waste of bacon. I mean, who would want to eat it after that, even re-heated?

    On second thought, please don’t answer that question.

    Cheers,

    Earl

  • 22 Brit on Feb 11, 2009 at 9:02 am

    Or, possibly, a very small man.

    Scale can be a tricky thing, which is why women are always so keen to be photographed with Rod Stewart.

  • 23 Chris Hughes on Feb 11, 2009 at 9:06 am

    Thanks for clarifying. I think I’m slicing too thin, though–it keeps liquefying in the pan. What’s the ideal blade height?

  • 24 Gamera on Feb 11, 2009 at 10:27 am

    It looks like the guy is trapped under the dead boar. (Or is that a buffalo?) See his feet sticking out?

  • 25 davehop on Feb 11, 2009 at 12:06 pm

    “Cups and Cakes” by Spinal Tap also comes to mind…

  • 26 michael on Feb 11, 2009 at 12:44 pm

    Don’t forget about this key to pick up the extra morsels…

    http://pro.corbis.com/images/KF013446.jpg?size=67&uid=%7B1D811DC4-3705-42F9-AA66-3B5160457899%7D

  • 27 michael on Feb 11, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    *key tool*

  • 28 Remmie Barrow on Feb 11, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    Get some very, very sharp knives and a very strong industrial cooker…those things almost never fail…Oh, and before I forget, drain the oil or it will just taste too greasy.

  • 29 Russ Rogers on Feb 11, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    You may have already seen this T-shirt design:

    http://www.zazzle.com/press_button_receive_bacon_pictagram_tshirt-235375493821212404

    “Press Button. Receive Bacon.”

  • 30 j. cunningham on Feb 11, 2009 at 6:10 pm

    Press Button. Receive Bacon….eat some corn

  • 31 Scott on Feb 11, 2009 at 9:27 pm

    The motto of Nature Tours is: it’s an all you can eat tour but you must eat all you have.

  • 32 Incurable Insomniac on Feb 12, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    Mike, I thought you might like to know about Chyrle Bacon, a rope artist in the San Francisco area.

  • 33 Constantine on Feb 12, 2009 at 5:20 pm

    I caught and killed one of theseA>. Do pig men still count? Am I going to hell, or will I be showered with heavenly rewards for destroying one of the single most horrific things in existence?

  • 34 Constantine on Feb 12, 2009 at 5:22 pm

    Apparently I fail at using html.

    Noodles.

    Nope. Oh well.

  • 35 TeeJay on Feb 12, 2009 at 7:27 pm

    How did he get that off the island w/o being attacked by a polar bear or smoke monster?

  • 36 Ron0 on Feb 13, 2009 at 5:04 am

    We found an easier way last year: the Bacon of the Month Club: http://www.gratefulpalate.com/?p=Category_11

    The only problem is you have to wait a whole year for yor bacon.

  • 37 Dave on Feb 14, 2009 at 10:30 am

    Perhaps afterwards, whilst enjoying your martini (or bacontini, if you prefer,) you feel a twinge of something between your teeth. A piece of nature’s bacony bounty failed to slip into your gullet and is even now evading fate, stuck betwene your teeth. So awkward, so irritating. Don’t let this happen to you, get yourself some bacon floss: http://www.mcphee.com/items/11847.html

  • 38 jfe on Feb 15, 2009 at 10:18 am

    Just was looking at the new releases on netflix. There is a documentary about food out and one of the items mentioned was bacon maple donuts. Sounds interesting.

  • 39 Darf Nader on Feb 15, 2009 at 1:20 pm

    So Mike, when do we get to hear about what the ongoing health effects of baconation a la Morgan Spurlock’s 30 Days? Are you a slave to stool softeners yet?

  • 40 rickdark1 on Feb 15, 2009 at 1:55 pm

    Pre-cooked individually wrapped bacon slices are a quick bick me up ….I understand Mike carries this treat with him all this month like a big pack of Juicy-fruit……….or well, Porkie chew’s

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