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In all seriousness, a man has died here

March 12th, 2009 by Conor Lastowka · 28 Comments


With all apologies to Karl Pilkington, my life needs more Monkey News.  So the other day I set up a Google Alert feed for “monkey”, half expecting to be so inundated with news that I would cancel it hours later.  I did not know that Google Alerts has the option to provide you with a single daily email, complete with summaries and pictures, that neatly packages up that days monkey news.  It has since become the fourth thing I check every morning after one, two, and three.

And in this first week, I’ve already found my nomination for Journalistic Sentence of the year.  From the Daily Telegraph newspaper:

“The dead man’s wife said that the monkey had “seemed lovable” when they bought him for £130.”

Talk about an epitaph!  It comes from this story, about a monkey named Brother Kwan, employed by his “Cruel Master” Mr. Janchoom to shimmy up trees and pick coconuts. When the breaks grew too infrequent and, presumably, health benefits were slashed across the board, Brother Kwan said No mas! And hurled a coconut that struck Mr. Janchoom in the head, killing him instantly.

Which would all be quite hilarious if I hadn’t had two family members go out the exact same way.

Tags: RiffTrax · silly

28 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Earl Fando on Mar 12, 2009 at 8:27 am

    Someone once said that the line between comedy and tragedy was razor thin, but I think he was really talking about monkeys.

    Also, thanks for including the pic. Until I saw that, I thought Mike Nesmith or Mickey Dolenz had gone postal.

  • 2 AJ on Mar 12, 2009 at 8:56 am

    So, £130 is the going price for a monkey now is it?

  • 3 jfruh on Mar 12, 2009 at 8:57 am


  • 4 jfruh on Mar 12, 2009 at 8:58 am

    Er, I meant to say “our” dismembered bodies. I’m, uh, totally not planning on collaborating with the monkeys after they take over. I’m still totally loyal to my branch of the primate family. Yes sir.

  • 5 Kris on Mar 12, 2009 at 9:10 am

    Hey, I’m offended that this deadly serious post is filed under “silly!” This is a real tragedy, but to you wise-crackers, it’s all just “silly.” You RiffTraxers. HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF DECENCY?!

  • 6 Conor Lastowka on Mar 12, 2009 at 9:36 am

    “We would like to shift our focus to the baby monkeys to check whether the mothers’ actions are effectively helping them learn how to clean their teeth,” he added.

    He also followed up, “We’d also like to find out where the hell they got all that hair from!”

  • 7 Mr. Alexander on Mar 12, 2009 at 10:12 am

    So, this man beat and abused this monkey, then released said monkey into a tree, and it would actually return to him to ensure further abuse? That’s a textbook case of “Battered Monkey Syndrome”, my friends.

    Speaking of posts by Conor, is anyone ever going to announce a winner for the Street Sharks fan fiction contest? I know it had record-low participation (I think I was one of four people who wrote an entry), but that’s merely supposed to increase my odds of winning, no?

  • 8 Rob T Firefly on Mar 12, 2009 at 10:32 am

    Not since J. Fred Muggs bludgeoned Dave Garroway to death with a studio mic in 1957…

  • 9 Conor Lastowka on Mar 12, 2009 at 11:29 am

    Yes, I haven’t forgotten

  • 10 Mr. Alexander on Mar 12, 2009 at 12:10 pm


  • 11 Remmie Barrow on Mar 12, 2009 at 1:57 pm

    Even monkeys need a union.

  • 12 Smuttynose on Mar 12, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    I just like saying “monkey”.

  • 13 Joyless Prole on Mar 12, 2009 at 2:35 pm

    I SO thought this was going to be about George Bush. I have to admit some disappointment, but it’s still a great story.

    Apparently the thing that leads to the evolotion of planning is being exposed to humans. Must. Kill. All. Humans.

  • 14 Joyless Prole on Mar 12, 2009 at 2:36 pm

    The robot monkies are the ones that will do us in.

  • 15 Ann Peek on Mar 12, 2009 at 2:42 pm

    Monkeys are turning on us!!!! See the link:

    Lesson: If you see a monkey, run for your life. It means to do you HARM!

  • 16 Casey on Mar 12, 2009 at 7:11 pm

    I think about the funerals when I hear such stories…. how does one keep from snikkering into a full-blown gut laugh in the middle of the service?

  • 17 ShutterBun on Mar 12, 2009 at 8:37 pm

    You’ve got to admire the Telegraph for maintaining journalistic impartiality as they describe the “cruel owner” in their very headlines.

  • 18 MonkeyCheezPants on Mar 12, 2009 at 9:52 pm

    I think the line is a monkey running amok with a razor.

  • 19 Wesley Stamper on Mar 13, 2009 at 8:57 am

    It’s so comically biased, I think it must have been written by General Ursus using a pseudonym.

  • 20 Paul on Mar 13, 2009 at 9:31 am

    Never apologize to Karl Pilkington.

  • 21 kleathers on Mar 13, 2009 at 4:28 pm

    I wonder if it was the same monkey that robbed a bank…

  • 22 Elizabeth Young on Mar 16, 2009 at 4:33 am

    While I appreciate the attempts of monkeys to kill us all (and believe me I’m all for the annihilation of coconut farmers) I can’t seem to move past your number two choice of must-see websites. Praun2forever seems even more of a threat than the monkeys. His whiny, nasally voice, describing both his illness and Watchmen have rendered me virtually immobile (except for my index finger as I type this, that works just fine). I think it would be in our best interest to keep both eyes firmly locked on him and his tiny pre-pubescent mustache.

  • 23 RaiulBaztepo on Mar 28, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    Very Interesting post! Thank you for such interesting resource!
    PS: Sorry for my bad english, I’v just started to learn this language ;)
    See you!
    Your, Raiul Baztepo

  • 24 PiterKokoniz on Apr 7, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    Hello !! :)
    My name is Piter Kokoniz. oOnly want to tell, that your posts are really interesting
    And want to ask you: will you continue to post in this blog in future?
    Sorry for my bad english:)
    Thank you:)
    Piter Kokoniz, from Latvia