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Street Sharks Fan Fiction Contest Winner

March 18th, 2009 by Conor Lastowka · 20 Comments


The turnout for the Street Sharks Fan Fiction Contest was, frankly, abysmal, and everyone should be ashamed of themselves.  I understand that part of the reason for this may be because most of you are already submitting your Street Sharks Fan Fiction here, and didn’t like the idea of abandoning the substantial audience you’ve already built up, but still, I expect better from you.

I give the honorable mention to Damon, who didn’t even follow the one guideline, to assign the episode an actual Street Sharks episode name.  In fact, he simply took a Full House plot and changed all the character names to Street Sharks. However, five years ago, I wrote the first act of a Full House script for a contest with a friend, so the show has a special place in my heart (I can’t find it, I looked.)  But this is how low the bar was set.

The Winner, in more ways than one by default, is Serpent O-R, who obviously spent enough time on this that it would be a crime not to acknowledge it.  I’m not sure why it includes the Jonas Brothers and I’d like to disqualify it entirely based on how paragraph four ends, but instead it is the winner.  Serpent OR, please contact RiffTrax for your gift certificate. His story, “Shark ‘n Roll” is posted after the jump.

Episode – Shark ‘n’ Roll -
“Street Sharks” is brought to you by the fine folks from; Coca-Cola, Mattel, Phillip Morris, and Special Guest Stars: the Jonas Brothers.

El Swordo is having a free show in downtown Fission City. Rox and Streex are providing music for El Swordo’s performance. The other Bolton’s are watching from the crowd. They think the show is Jawsome. Around the corner, the Jonas Brothers are having a free concert as well.

Watching their tweenie flock depart for the likes of El Swordo aggravates Nick Jonas. “I’m gonna filet ‘em with his own swords…” Nick Jonas muttered to himself.
“I might be able to help you with that.” Sneered Dr. Paradigm as he exits the shadows.

He explains to the Jonas Brothers that he can give them the power to be more than the Bolton’s can ever be. Dr. Paradigm gives each of the brothers a syringe. Before Joe could ask what to do, Kevin already has his belt around his arm, tapping his veins up. Nick, Joe and Dr. Paradigm are looking at him when Dr. Paradigm speaks up, “You stick it in your ass.”

“So, baby, what say we go and… ‘Cut to the Quick’?” Streex cheesily asks the pretty girl next to him.
She looks him over with a disgusted smirk, “Aren’t you ‘Blades’ on Facebook? Hmpf, ‘Cut to the Quick’ is what I heard.”

After various slapstick attempts at sabotaging the El Swordo show, the Jonas Brothers crash their trailer through the stage. The audience goes silent until the Jonas Brothers emerge from the trailer. Then the audience flees in terror [insert Lena Mack cameo], leaving the Bolton boys before the stage. Jab replies for the group, “Jawsome entrance!”

Ripster, Jab and Streex handle the Jonas Brothers nicely until Dr. Piranoid emerges and forces the mutation in the Jonas Brothers to become the Beast, a towering musical monstrosity blended of silk suits, black locks and promise rings. The Beast makes quick work of Jab before moving on to the others.

Jab has no choice now but to transform into Jet Pack Jab, $9.95 at major retail chains, by putting on his jet pack. Launching into the air, he cries out, “The Sky is the Limit… Is my favorite Lil’ Wayne song!” Dr. Piranoid technobabbles the jet pack into malfunctioning, leaving Jab to the will of the Beast.

The Beast has Jab pinned when Big Slammu steps up and bellows, “One – two, Big Slammu!” and performs his Seismic Slam. Everyone and everything is tossed for a 2 block radius. The Beast falls back into a beverage table spilling [Barq's Root Beer] over his pant leg. [Edited- per Coca-Cola]

“That stain will never come out!” the Beast roared, “I’ve had it, this ends now!” The Beast grabs El Swordo and slams him into the Jonas Brothers trailer, “With you out of the way, the Jonas Brothers shall rule the Tween Scene, Ha-ha-ha!”

Realizing the Beast’s weakness, Ripster grabs the [Barq's] super-keg and busts it over the Beast’s head showering all in [classic root beer goodness]. Bound by the super-keg, the Beast stops and starts to cry over its ruined clothes and hair. Jab pulls off his jet pack and asks where Dr. Piranoid went. Nobody was really concerned; they were watching the Beast sob itself to death.

Ripster strolls to his brothers as they drip with [Barq's classic root beer goodness],”You know what I always say, [Barq's has Bite and] Bite is Might.”
El Swordo pulls himself out of the smashed trailer, covered in a stringy brown substance. Pulling some off for a better look, El Swordo smells it, “What is this? Chewing Tobacco?”
Big Slammu’s eyes grow wide and he pushes to the front of his brothers, “You’ve got chew? JAWSOME!”

Tags: RiffTrax

20 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Serpent O-R on Mar 18, 2009 at 9:44 am

    Take a look at the ‘Ads by Google’ to the left and right of the comment submission…

    Root Beer and Jonas Brother’s stuff.


  • 2 Damon on Mar 18, 2009 at 10:14 am

    So, are you saying this is one honorable mention that I probably shouldn’t write home about?

    To tell you the truth, I’m pretty ashmaed that I missed the one guideline for the contest. I honestly don’t know how I missed it, excepet to say that I saw contest, rifftrax, and shark, and just kind of skipped over the relevant details…

  • 3 Brit on Mar 18, 2009 at 10:58 am

    As I suspected, my delightful costume drama was too subtle for you simple-minded (but adorable) colonials.

  • 4 Gina on Mar 18, 2009 at 11:15 am

    A little off-topic, but is a street shark anything like a land shark?

  • 5 Earl Fando on Mar 18, 2009 at 12:53 pm

    Street sharks use hip, urbane lingo, whereas land sharks sound like Buck Owens.

  • 6 Kris on Mar 18, 2009 at 12:59 pm

    Good shaming, Conor: I, for one, am very sorry to have disappointed you and am going to beat myself with live jellyfish now.

  • 7 Remmie Barrow on Mar 18, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    Frankly, I was never as much into Street Sharks as I was into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles…Go figure.

  • 8 Remmie Barrow on Mar 18, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    OK…Scientifically speaking, a shark could eat a turtle…but still…

  • 9 chrismartindeed on Mar 18, 2009 at 2:02 pm

    I wanted to submit something, but my schedule wouldn’t permit it.

    There was a Biker Mice From Mars Convention in town.

  • 10 randommanthefirst on Mar 18, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    But when you treat yourself for the numerous self-inflicted jellyfish stings, I would stay away from any wet and messy clubs, just to avoid any unnecessary confusion.

  • 11 MonkeyCheezPants on Mar 19, 2009 at 8:28 am

    Can I just add that is possibly the most depressing site on the internet? Sometimes if I feel too positive about the world, I just look at the listings to find reasons to conclude our society is a cultural dead end.. It’s too dangerous to actually READ any of it, but I derive twisted entertainment from the number of submissions for various obscurities.

    For example:
    The Emperor’s New Groove – 102 submissions
    Gargoyles (it’s a cartoon that had some Star Trek TNG stars in it) – 1,587 submissions
    Fat Albert – 1 submission
    Homestar Runner – 123 submissions
    The Simpsons – 666(!) submissions
    Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century (yes, that’s a real cartoon) – 77 submissions
    21 Jump Street – 365 submissions, one for every day of the year!
    All Creatures Great & Small – 6 submissions
    Bill Nye the Science Guy – 10 submissions
    Cagney & Lacey – 28 submissions, none of them slash.
    Gilligan’s Island – 74 submissions
    Perry Mason – 60 submissions
    SeaQuest DSV – 1,021 submissions
    That 70s Show – 1.567 submissions
    Touched by an Angel – 367 submissions.
    MST3K – ZERO. Get with it, people!

    … and there’s six submissions for something called “Wild West C.O.W.-Boys of Moo Mesa”. Most of them are labeled “Slash”.

  • 12 Gina on Mar 19, 2009 at 9:35 am

    Wouldn’t MST3K count as its own fan fiction? I mean, if you define fan fiction as someone’s own personal take on a show or movie, that was basically the core concept of the series.

  • 13 Wesley Stamper on Mar 19, 2009 at 9:47 am

    One can get their fill of MST3K pastiches at

    Ten years ago, when one could read them as they were posted, it was fairly easy to separate the wheat from the chaff. Now, I suppose, it may take some digging to find the good ones, but there *are* some fairly funny and faithful submissions.

  • 14 Remmie Barrow on Mar 19, 2009 at 1:45 pm

    (The Simpsons – 666(!) submissions)???

    I know that they have been dragging the past few years, but they are not that bad!

  • 15 Earl Fando on Mar 20, 2009 at 5:41 am

    MST3K is more like commentary. Speaking of which, I’d love to see an MST3K version of books. Something footnoted, perhaps, like the Richard Armour book on Shakespeare.

    I’d suggest starting with something light, like The Odyssey or Remembrance of Things Past.

  • 16 Trace on Mar 21, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    I’m mainly concerned by the fact that there is fanfiction for Bill Nye the Science Guy.

  • 17 Gina on Mar 21, 2009 at 7:11 pm

    That would be fun!