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Assistance With my Hell-Phone

April 3rd, 2009 by Kevin Murphy · 120 Comments

hell phone

Folks, I need your advice.  it concerns this phone.  It just showed up in the mail one day, no box, no wrapper of any kind, but with a note taped to it that said “You’ll know what to do.”  What in God’s name is it for?  What’s it connected to?  That naked front panel is so desolate, every time I look at it I want to hurl myself out a window.  And how do you place a call with it?  Every time I pick it up, I hear this:

[display_podcast]

And it’s not even connected to anything! I don’t know what to do!  I’d really rather not get rid of it though, because the call quality is crystal clear. Also every time I throw it away it reappears on my desk the next morning.   So please, submit your technical advice to me, care of here.  The best tech support solution will receive a free Rifftrax.

Tags: Creepitometry · Kevin · RiffTrax · Riffer Blogs · Shocking Conspiracies Only Kevin Sees

120 responses so far ↓

  • 1 John on Apr 3, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    You should talk to the ‘person’ on the other end of the phone in the voice of Al Pacino in THE DEVIL’S ADVOCATE. That should make him and the phone go away.

  • 2 Doug Happel on Apr 3, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    Not to worry. That’s just Vladimir Putin’s answering machine. It’s not his voice, though. That’s actually Carl Kasell. Next time time you pick it up, wait for the message to play out, then speak very clearly the words, “Hallo Putinski! Not to launch missiles! Good bye, talking to you tomorrow.”

  • 3 Inspector Dim on Apr 3, 2009 at 2:17 pm

    First, I’d draw a happy face on the front panel to solve that whole “desolate” problem.

    As for the voice? Well, you have to understand that when you play it backwards, it says quite clearly, “Paul is dead, miss him, miss him.” So just pick up the receiver and blast some Beatles tunes into it, and your problems will be solved in no time.

  • 4 jenifersf on Apr 3, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    WANT!

  • 5 Christopher Majewski on Apr 3, 2009 at 2:22 pm

    This is obviously a long lost lover you jilted at the altar years hence, like in that classic Twilight Zone episode. In it there is a storm that knocks a phone line down onto a grave, allowing a dead guy to call an old lady and essentially drunk dial her from the netherworld.

    My advice is tell the guy he’s dead, and to call up Loveline instead.

  • 6 J Crowley on Apr 3, 2009 at 2:22 pm

    Well, the solution is obvious, really: Set the phone precariously on the edge of a table, place a paper bag beneath it, and run a vacuum into the table leg until the phone falls into the bag.

  • 7 jenifersf on Apr 3, 2009 at 2:26 pm

    Oh! I forgot that there was some sort of problem involved. If it were me, I would put it on the shelf with all the rest of my colorful Western Electric 500 and 2500 sets, next to my Stromberg-Carlson and my Kellogg Redbar, and answer it when it rings and tell whoever’s there about cleaning up cat messes and how hilarious the newest Rifftrax short is.

  • 8 Eric on Apr 3, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    Still better than the new Hellular Phone that came in my mail. No matter what I do to get rid of it it keeps reappearing in my pockets. I tried getting naked and throwing it into a lake…. baaaaad idea.

  • 9 jenifersf on Apr 3, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    That is only a temporary solution. But a good one!

  • 10 John on Apr 3, 2009 at 2:37 pm

    That’s no iphone. You’d think Satan would be up to speed on the latest technology. I suggest donating it to the local Children’s shelter, they may be able to turn a dime on it like they do with old cars or the bags of garbage I left in the trunk. It could turn things into “The Orphanage”, but its their problem now. Simón!

  • 11 Jeff on Apr 3, 2009 at 2:43 pm

    Oh that’s easy. When a direct line to Satan shows up on my desk, I pick it up and sing, in a creepy little girl voice, “la la la la la la laaa…”

    Sure, it doesn’t really fix the problem, but it gives The Dark Lord a nice chuckle before the phone transforms into the Lament Configuration and Clive Barker pops out to read me his goofy scary stories.

    The horror…. The horror…

  • 12 AJ on Apr 3, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    Tom Cruise (who is the devil, I don’t care what anyone says) is obviously working with Jigsaw again. You don’t need tech support, just take a rather large sledgehammer and smash that hell-phone to pieces before you wake up with your leg chained to a toilet in a dissued warehouse!

  • 13 blackmyron on Apr 3, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    It’s a known problem with that phone, you have to download the patch.

    Not sure how to download the patch? Sorry, not my department.

  • 14 taters on Apr 3, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    have you tried turning it off and on again?

  • 15 Remmie Barrow on Apr 3, 2009 at 2:57 pm

    Try taking it apart to see what makes it tick…everytime I have done that as a kid to some kind of a technical marvel, it has never worked properly after that…if at all.

  • 16 Scurvy Jake on Apr 3, 2009 at 2:58 pm

    RTFM: Read the Fone Manual :)

  • 17 nidrian on Apr 3, 2009 at 2:59 pm

    Sounds like Laurie Anderson’s clone has fallen on hard times.

  • 18 G-Force on Apr 3, 2009 at 3:13 pm

    You should try saying: “Tom! I’m a big fan! Bone Machine is such a great album! Rain Dogs is amazing as well. Wow, a defective phone that puts me right in sync with Tom Waits, I couldn’t ask for a better thing than that…”

  • 19 J Crowley on Apr 3, 2009 at 3:18 pm

    Paint it black. That’s what I want to do every time I see a red phone. Or door. Or anything, really.

  • 20 AJ on Apr 3, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    You work for tech support, don’t you?

  • 21 ambitiously stupid on Apr 3, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    +1

  • 22 randommanthefirst on Apr 3, 2009 at 3:21 pm

    http://www.ehow.com/how_2052728_obtain-permission-exorcism.html

    I believe this will help.

  • 23 Barry on Apr 3, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    If I were you, I’d bolt it to my desk. That’s to prevent it from bludgeoning you to death in your sleep.

    Well, okay, you wouldn’t actually be asleep. It would ring once loudly to wake you up first.

  • 24 Yanni on Apr 3, 2009 at 3:43 pm

    well, you could try to switch this phone with the red phone in the White House for a hilarious prank, or:

    if you want to dial out, you could try to reset Satan’s trunk by inputting a 2600 Hz signal, then using a blue box (http://www.textfiles.com/phreak/BLUEBOXING/40bluebox.txt) to dial a number. Note that this will only work if Satan hasn’t updated his telecommunication hardware in a while.

  • 25 OmegaRowsdower on Apr 3, 2009 at 3:45 pm

    You should set up a sidewalk stand and charge people to listen

    So that you aren’t labeled as a one trick pony, you should also offer other services, which may include, but aren’t limited to: Lemonade, Kissing, Psychiatric Help, and a guest book where users can tell you which deep voiced celebrity the caller sounds like… (Barry White gets my vote)

  • 26 Darth Chimay on Apr 3, 2009 at 3:52 pm

    Dude, Commissioner Gordon sounds PISSED.

  • 27 Olcas on Apr 3, 2009 at 3:56 pm

    I’d expect that soon you’ll….y’know, know what to do with it. Why disbelieve the handy note?

    Until then, show it off. Maybe someone’ll buy it off you! And if it returns the next morning, repeat process! Instant moneymaker!

  • 28 Invisible NanoGhost on Apr 3, 2009 at 4:00 pm

    This is just Hor-RIFF-ic productions trying to get a head start on the next iRiff-ing contest.

  • 29 Dave on Apr 3, 2009 at 4:07 pm

    The phone is really only half your problem, you poor, sad fellow.
    Even if you get rid of it, you still have the two year contract that I’m sure you were signed up for.
    They’re doing it at birth for new babies now…drool activated texting…

  • 30 Michelle on Apr 3, 2009 at 4:09 pm

    I apologize for you confusion and inconvenience, sir. That red object is not a telephone, but the one and only Summon-O-Matic. Conceptualized by our glorious ex-president, Zaphod Beeblebrox as a device that would cause the spaceship “Heart of Gold” to materialize out of thin air/shrink/turn into a Pan Galactic Gargleblaster (thus making his life “way less chop-chop on the nerves”), the beta version you have there was the only one ever made. Thinking the shape looked “cool and froody,” Mr. Beeblebrox’s second head removed the keypad from the design, claiming, “keypads freak me out.” Contending he had better things to do than argue with himself, Mr. Beeblebrox abandoned the project after presented with the test design. Though the device will not summon, shrink, or alchoholize anything, it does pick up stray transmissions, and what you appear to have locked onto is a message sent by Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz to his literary agent. As to why it continues to appear on your desk after you discard it, don’t panic. Put it in a sunny place, perhaps your windowsill; after forty-two days of disuse, it’s programmed to turn into a bowl of petunias.

  • 31 Michelle on Apr 3, 2009 at 4:17 pm

    Oh, and regarding the note, you can throw it away. Per Mr. Beeblebrox, it was a message from his first head to his second reminding him to pick up a gallon of milk.

  • 32 Wesley Stamper on Apr 3, 2009 at 4:38 pm

    My advice:

    Hand the phone to Noddy Holder and Run Runaway.

  • 33 Onil on Apr 3, 2009 at 4:45 pm

    Use Skype.

  • 34 Suzanne on Apr 3, 2009 at 4:46 pm

    Bea Arthur?

  • 35 J Crowley on Apr 3, 2009 at 4:48 pm

    For a second, I misread your name as Darth Chimney, thanks in part to my astigmatism. I now have some GREAT ideas for Christmas decorations. Thanks!

  • 36 BEMaven on Apr 3, 2009 at 5:20 pm

    The solution becomes obvious through careful deduction.

    Conor is living in your basement without your permission.

    Can’t you recognize his distinctive accent in the recording?

    If you run downstairs real quick, you might catch him before he retreats to his hiding place behind the water heater.

    If that doesn’t work, throw the phone out one more time and wait for nightfall. Using the life-size Xena cut-out in your study as camouflage, lay in wait for Conor when he tries to put the phone back on your desk.

    I went threw a similar problem with an undocumented guest worker who upgraded my Dell to Windows Vista.

  • 37 Erica on Apr 3, 2009 at 6:00 pm

    Cujo?

  • 38 Jamie M. on Apr 3, 2009 at 6:13 pm

    Please hold, your call is very important to us. Your call will be answered in the order it was received.

  • 39 chrismartindeed on Apr 3, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    The Mayor of Townsville is a pervert.

  • 40 Jim Winter on Apr 3, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    The voice is distorted because the phone is disconnected. Hook it up to your broadband or standard landline, then pick up the phone and say, “Yes, Commissioner Gordon!” (Note: A skintight batsuit [cowl sold separately] and tricked out sportscar equipped with all kinds of illegal weaponry might be required.)

    Failing that, heed the voice and find a goat or other small house pet to sacrifice.

    You may not know what to do, but you could take a really good guess.

  • 41 chrismartindeed on Apr 3, 2009 at 7:00 pm

    If no one has unearthed a creepy statue in northern Iraq, stop worrying and just go to bed.

    You’re just getting Satan’s voice mail. He does that with all television actors and actresses.

    The only man in America who still gets a direct line to Lucifer is Rush Limbaugh.

  • 42 Surreal on Apr 3, 2009 at 7:09 pm

    Oh, you can clear that right up with some Panic at the Disco. Whenever it rings, press play on your musical device, turn it up nice and loud, and set the receiver right next to the speaker. I suggest you leave the room–the sound of hell spawn in agony is not something you are likely to survive. You might attract a few teenagers, but if you let them hear the sounds coming from the phone… let’s just say that problem might solve itself.

  • 43 chrismartindeed on Apr 3, 2009 at 7:15 pm

    Addenda:

    Dick Cheney lost direct line status when Condoleezza Rice hid all the nuclear codes from him.

  • 44 Samantha Martin on Apr 3, 2009 at 7:22 pm

    Troubleshooting the HellPhone:

    Before you begin:

    -Smudge your workplace thoroughly with sage and dragon’s blood.
    -Wash hands in holy water (if available). Tap water with a dash of salt may be substituted.
    -Meditate, chant, perform the Eucharist or otherwise prepare yourself mentally in accordance with your preferred tradition.
    -Wear latex gloves.

    You will need:

    Chalk
    Pentagram stencil
    Telephone cable
    Phone wall outlet
    Insulated gloves (wear over latex ones)
    Spare SIM card, buried in salt for 7 days prior to the ritual
    Screwdriver set
    Fresh blood from a virgin
    Tweezers
    Ashtray, lighter, butane fluid

    Step 1: Perform the banishing routine of your choice to clear the space and secure it. This will prevent the phone from escaping.

    Step 2: Place the stencil on the floor, then place phone in the middle.

    Step 3: Chant “Zazas zazas nastanata zazas” while filling in the stencil guides with chalk. Be thorough.

    Step 4: Remove stencil. Connect phone to cable.

    Step 5: Draw a circle around the phone outlet in virgin’s blood. Failure to do so will allow the demonic presence to escape over the phone lines, to return later.

    Step 5: Plug phone in. Chant “Iao mngflnuith igah Yog-Sothoth!” Try to say it with authority.

    Step 6: Open phone casing with screwdrivers. Extract phone’s SIM card with tweezers and set on ashtray. Pour butane onto SIM card. Order the presence therein to return from whence it came.

    Step 7: Light the fluid. Back away.

    Step 8: Dance eight times around the pentagram, counterclockwise.

    Step 9: Using tweezers, remove spare SIM card from salt and shake clean. Whisper the following: “I ame vos arzech la mo Nyarlathotep. Ia Yog-Sothoth.”

    Step 10: Install the new SIM card, carefully. The phone will arc with unearthly light. CAUTION: Do not remove insulated gloves at any point. Severe electric shock or demonic possession can result.

    Step 11: Unplug the phone cord from the wall, then the phone.

    Step 12: Banish with laughter, sweep and wash out your office, bury the ashes, and never speak of the incident again.

  • 45 BEMaven on Apr 3, 2009 at 7:25 pm

    This is a new generation of Touch Phone. To operate it, you have to touch various parts of your body.

    If you limit your touching to above the waist, the red phone will eventually be replaced with one that is pearly white and suspended on a cloud.

  • 46 ShutterBun on Apr 3, 2009 at 7:25 pm

    It’s Pernell Roberts’ elaborate scheme to demonstrate the need for phones in hell! (at least that’s where I assume the smug bastard ended up)

  • 47 Marissa on Apr 3, 2009 at 7:44 pm

    Wire it up so that every time you pick up the receiver, it triggers the Batsignal on your roof. Help is now on the way!

  • 48 Billy O'Connor on Apr 3, 2009 at 7:58 pm

    Loop it through your own answering machine and see who shows up.

  • 49 Rob III on Apr 3, 2009 at 7:59 pm

    Keep it in the bathroom.

    At least it’ll be inspirational in kind of the same way like the pirate-ship in the joke about the sea captain with the brown pants.

  • 50 Ryan on Apr 3, 2009 at 8:06 pm

    I’m sorry to tell you this, Kevin, but you died twice already:
    http://blog.rifftrax.com/2008/11/03/live-shows-a-success-kevin-dead/
    and
    http://blog.rifftrax.com/2008/11/03/live-shows-a-success-kevin-dead/

  • 51 Ryan on Apr 3, 2009 at 8:08 pm

    Oops, this is the second one:
    http://blog.rifftrax.com/2009/03/18/we-just-stopped-for-one/

  • 52 rebisaz on Apr 3, 2009 at 9:01 pm

    I suspect you’re right about Conor, BEMaven. But if that turns out not to be the case, your mention of Vista made me think of a totally unrelated solution (how House of me). Kevin could take a phone cable and hook the phone up to a PC running Vista, and just wait. I suspect the phone would eventually just get frustrated and leave. Or hang itself on the cable. Either way.

  • 53 Earl Fando on Apr 3, 2009 at 10:14 pm

    No, no… Batman’s just drunk again.

  • 54 Jet Jaguar on Apr 3, 2009 at 11:27 pm

    That is clearly the voice of Richard Simmons, no doubt angry about that bacon incident.
    Your penance will likely involve dolphin shorts and sweatin’ to something or another.

  • 55 Joyless Prole on Apr 3, 2009 at 11:28 pm

    Wow, this is a hilarious idea. I will have to send one to everyone I know.

  • 56 lonegungirl on Apr 4, 2009 at 12:38 am

    I’m sorry. If you did not initiate a standard 2-year contract with the Unholy Father for a minimum of 39 eternities as mandated by the iHellphone agreement, all warranties are considered invalid and will not be honored.

    We know you have a choice in Hellphone purchasing, and we are happy you have decided to partner with us.

  • 57 peri on Apr 4, 2009 at 1:27 am

    Did you ever sign any scary underworld-looking paperwork? Because it sounds like you’re time to serve has come….. Best to stop trying to get rid of the ‘vessel’, that always ends badly. The only thing to be done is to wait for Ray Wise to show up and give instruction.

  • 58 Racer™ on Apr 4, 2009 at 1:35 am

    Make the phone watch a Rob Schneider movie. It’ll never want to come back. Of course, you still want to hurl yourself out a window when it’s done.

    Or, you could just place it somewhere your wife is likely to clean up. The phone will vanish for all eternity, and you’ll most likely also lose something very important to you. But that’s just part of being married.

    Come to think of it, there are no cures to this one without some horrible side effect. Sorry.

  • 59 gojikranz on Apr 4, 2009 at 2:22 am

    give it a extremem makeover so it looks like this:
    http://www.lootlady.com/images/fisher%20price%20phone.JPG

    of courseif its a hell phone giving it eyes and ability to roll might just allow it to consume your soul easier but theres no point in delaying the inevitable right?

  • 60 Margoo on Apr 4, 2009 at 3:57 am

    Could someone just tell me why I thought it would be a good idea to play ANY sound bite that Kevin posted right before I go to bed?

  • 61 Maureen on Apr 4, 2009 at 4:08 am

    Sound the buzzer and say “disconnect.”

  • 62 Gina on Apr 4, 2009 at 4:42 am

    There may be a loophole — he may have only sold his soul to Stan.

  • 63 Ejiehi on Apr 4, 2009 at 5:10 am

    Interesting, I believe you should watch this documentary on the subject of evil phones.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjxqnUBV0Wc

  • 64 Kris on Apr 4, 2009 at 5:26 am

    I don’t really have any suggestions for poor Kevin. I just want to know why (and I think this is a very reasonable question) the folks at RiffTrax are so much more susceptible to calls from Satan than the rest of us.

  • 65 Mr. Alexander on Apr 4, 2009 at 5:53 am

    You get three other phones, and call Egon Spengler, Abe Sapien, and Bruce Campbell, respectively. Set up a teleconference and the thing should work itself out.

  • 66 Attia on Apr 4, 2009 at 6:28 am

    I agree with the other two so far who said it’s the Bat Phone.

    Clearly it’s Christian Bale as Batman on the other end.

    If you want it to stop, invite his mother over and have her answer the phone.

    …Either that or visit him, like he requests. I’m sure the calls wll stop, then. If he tries to take out a restraining order against you, bring the phone as evidence to the police. I’m sure it will be in proper working order when you show it to someone else, I mean, it worked when you shared with us, right?

  • 67 Ben on Apr 4, 2009 at 6:39 am

    Kevin, try saying this into the phone:

    Telephone line, give me some time,
    I’m living in twilight,
    Oh, telephone line, give me some time,
    I’m living in twilight

    OK, guess no one’s answering,
    Well can’t you just let it ring a little longer, longer, longer?
    I’ll just sit tight, through the shadows of the night,
    And let it ring
    for evermore

    Doo wop, dooby dooby wop,
    Doo wop, do la la la la la,
    Blue Days, black nights,
    Doo wop, do la la la la la

    _______________

    And if that doesn’t work, then try Skype.

  • 68 Ed H on Apr 4, 2009 at 6:55 am

    Throw out the phone again, but this time place a whole uncut pineapple in the space on the desk where the phone was. Then in the morning you will have a sweet tasty demonic pineapple phone!

    No good, you say? Don’t knock it before you try it!

  • 69 Ryan on Apr 4, 2009 at 7:13 am

    It’s Jim Mallon. He wants you to help out with the next series of internet cartoons.

  • 70 Scooter on Apr 4, 2009 at 7:18 am

    try dialing “9″ first.

  • 71 Kris on Apr 4, 2009 at 7:59 am

    Ouch.

  • 72 Ninjew on Apr 4, 2009 at 9:02 am

    Strange as this must sound, this phone is actually an ATT phone (Advanced Time Travel). It allows you to place a call to/from yourself in the future.

    In this case, it would appear that you’re going to become a feeble old man who sits around eating bacon and cream cheese sandwiches (hence the odd mumbling), and has nothing better to do with his time than to talk to himself.

    Kevin, there’s still time to avoid this fate.

    What you must do is take this phone, attach a note to it that says “You’ll know what to do.” and send it to someone else. Preferably someone who enjoys the sound of his own voice.

    Alec Baldwin’s address is listed, btw…

  • 73 Laura on Apr 4, 2009 at 9:03 am

    I did some research, Mister Mvrphy, and this is what I could come up with.

    I don’t believe it’s demonic, as cool and awesome as it would be. The phone itself is most likely cursed via witchcraft or more probable, warlockery. I believe someone has targeted you, Kevin, for … sensual intentions. They saw you in those shorts from the live Rifftrax and I believe they intend to cause your curiosity to grow and give them a visit.

    The next time you pick up the phone, what I would do is ask, “What is it you want? I am very busy and I’ve no time for fake voices, sirs.” Should you get a positive reply, keep the phone. But if a negative reply comes forth, immediately lock the phone in an iron bound chest and have a priest bless the chest.

    Keeping the phone from a positive reply would enhance some unknown abilities, including a possible extension to your Pineal Gland, enabling a ‘third eye’ to our world. Negative, well, no one has lived to define what exactly happens, though those who have come back, come worse than that of Goatse.

  • 74 Steve R. on Apr 4, 2009 at 10:13 am

    Well, as far as I see it, you have two options Kevin:

    Either contact Batman (as several others have said)

    Or you could go downstairs and beat the crap out of Bob from Accounting. He always has been a jerk hasn’t he?

  • 75 Gina on Apr 4, 2009 at 11:09 am

    Repeated exposure to crummy movies opens up a portal in one’s soul to the netherworld?

    . . . Just a guess.

  • 76 The Berg on Apr 4, 2009 at 12:13 pm

    It’s probably just Servo coming back on you. You know how boys like phone pranks. My suggestion would be to take him out of mothballs and spend a little quality “guy” time with him. As for the phone itself, paint it black and send it on to Frank Conniff.

  • 77 Mike Finley on Apr 4, 2009 at 1:00 pm

    Best solution:
    Give it to Mike :)

  • 78 Mr. Alexander on Apr 4, 2009 at 2:51 pm

    I have a feeling that invoking Yog-Sothoth (who is both the key and the gate, by the way) and the Crawling Chaos is going to prove more dangerous than the mere denizens of Hell. Cosmic indifference is far harder to deal with than simple evil…

  • 79 Mr. Alexander on Apr 4, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    On the bright side, compared to watching THE CREEPING TERROR, a lifetime in the lake of fire is going to be a breeze!

  • 80 jfe on Apr 4, 2009 at 3:18 pm

    Pernell Roberts isn’t dead, though.

  • 81 R.A. Roth on Apr 4, 2009 at 3:26 pm

    Hook it up to an AT&T line and don’t pay the bill. Within a month, they’ll repossess your possessed phone.

    Randy

  • 82 jfe on Apr 4, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    Rip open the phone and pull out the tape that’s in it. That should shut it up. If you find nothing inside, then you’re on your own!
    Or bring it to Easter services maybe it can be exorsized.

  • 83 Remmie Barrow on Apr 4, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    Ouch…What did Frank ever do to you?

  • 84 Darth Groucho on Apr 4, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    Hey, Wow, What you have there is the old Bell Telephone model 665. It was issued early in 1971 as a prototype conference intercom system. Since it has the answering machine option I can only assume it was the “b” model, of which only 13 were made. If you turn it over there should be a switch you can change to either “Tone”, “Pulse”, or “Eternal Damnation”. It’s really nice to see such a beautiful work of technoevil resurface. It was part of the Baughhell design line. The entire project was abandoned with the advent of call waiting.
    Such is life.

  • 85 Mr. Alexander on Apr 4, 2009 at 6:43 pm

    He made us all live in the shadow of his magnificent silver mane, that’s what Frank did to the WORLD, Remmie!

  • 86 MacGyver on Apr 4, 2009 at 7:21 pm

    Have the words DON’T PANIC inscribed in large friendly letters on the cover, front panel.

  • 87 mrbasehart on Apr 4, 2009 at 7:54 pm

    Kevin, I believe you are starring in a David Lynch movie. Try the following:

    Open a box.
    Get arrested.
    Drive a lawnmower.
    Back-comb your hair into a wonderful beehive.
    Eat the spice. Or some cherry pie.
    Have a sing-a-long with Dean Stockwell or Dennis Hopper.
    Declare that you are, “not an animal!” and join a circus.

    In any order.

  • 88 Attia on Apr 4, 2009 at 9:08 pm

    Wait….another thought occurs. Are you sure it’s not Disembaudio playing a trick on you? If it is, the solution would be…not to acknowledge Dis in any future RiffTrax?

  • 89 jfe on Apr 4, 2009 at 9:14 pm

    Are you sure its not Bob Newhart calling?

  • 90 chrismartindeed on Apr 5, 2009 at 1:22 am

    Is there a short guy with a deep voice narrating off stage left with his hands clasped in front of his groin?

    Shove the phone in his stomach, tell him to go bother Burgess Meredith, and toss him out on his ear.

  • 91 BEMaven on Apr 5, 2009 at 5:49 am

    Oh, William!…William Corbett!…are you there?

    We found OUR new obsession.

    Have you found yours?

  • 92 bullwinkle on Apr 5, 2009 at 5:50 am

    Maybe it’s a direct line to that baby embedded in the chest.

  • 93 Houndstooth Mind on Apr 5, 2009 at 10:38 am

    Frank Conniff = Best hair in show business today ladies and gentelmen!

  • 94 Ptiza on Apr 5, 2009 at 12:10 pm

    At least it’s not Banana Phone.

  • 95 Houndstooth Mind on Apr 5, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    Kevin Murphy wins for best beard though!

  • 96 Heather on Apr 5, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    Invite your nieces over to decorate it with Hello Kitty stickers, puff paint, feathers, and rhinestones, then take the receiver off the hook, place an equally possessed MP3 player next to it that plays Lady Gaga’s oeuvre in an endless loop. That oughta take care of it.

  • 97 Remmie Barrow on Apr 5, 2009 at 3:40 pm

    …Either that or let someone else answer the phone…it will be off your back and on to someone else.

  • 98 Remmie Barrow on Apr 5, 2009 at 3:42 pm

    LOOK…All I am saying is…Give Frank a chance!

  • 99 Jack the Autumn on Apr 5, 2009 at 5:13 pm

    Kevin, one word…

    SHAMWOW!

    Yes, you need but to put only 1 germanicly-crafted-SHAMWOW over the phone it goes to work faster than YOU CAN BEAT UP A HOOKER!

    Within a minutes your “dial O for Dialbo” will disingrate completely into a non-drippy-mess that will clear your home of demonic possession 10 years!
    [warranty pending]

    Trust me, you’ll Say “WOW!-Erhalten Sie hinter mir Teufel!” Everytime!!

  • 100 Pak-Man on Apr 6, 2009 at 12:17 am

    The key to dealing with your cursed items is to integrate it into your decor. I find that MY cursed ref phone really brings out the reds in my cursed cymbal-playing monkey. Put your cursed monkey paw on the other end and put them both into a nice cursed display case. (Careful not to clang the monkey cymbals!) To protect your cursed items from theft (Not that you’d ever ACTUALLY get rid of them through theft) I reccomend chaining Droopy the dog nearby as a guard. Hope this helps!

  • 101 Pak-Man on Apr 6, 2009 at 12:17 am

    (That should obviously be RED phone. I don’t have a phone to call cursed referees…)

  • 102 jack the autumn on Apr 6, 2009 at 1:38 am

    ahaha. Good one..

  • 103 al on Apr 6, 2009 at 4:31 am

    You’re doing it wrong. Outgoing calls require a virgin sacrifice, and calls out of your area code need 5 live chickens.

  • 104 MarkAndrew on Apr 6, 2009 at 8:45 am

    Hang on to the phone, the next time a telemarketer calls, pick up the red phone’s receiver and put it next to the receiver of your other phone.

    Watch a telemarketer try to sell to devil.

    Should be interesting.

  • 105 Attia on Apr 6, 2009 at 8:52 am

    ….Could also be Harvey Firestein. Remember how he was gravelly when he told everybody in ID4 to go down to the basement? Maybe that’s why he said that you can visit him down there anytime.

    Solution: Go visit Harvey down in the basement anytime.

  • 106 tlou00 on Apr 6, 2009 at 9:45 am

    It’s actually an easy explanation… See, after eight years in office, Vice President Cheney had collected a lot of junk in his small Hitler-esqe bomb shelter, so when it was time to pack up and go, a lot of stuff had to be packed up and shipped to his new digs as Supreme Executive Executioner of Torture in Hell, and one of the boxes must have gotten accidently shipped to you… so consider yourself the proud owner of a direct line to Satin…. oh, and the voice on the end of the line is actually Torgo, Satin’s receptionist

  • 107 Earl Fando on Apr 6, 2009 at 10:11 am

    Yeah, like dark forces don’t turn up in videoconferencing.

  • 108 Earl Fando on Apr 6, 2009 at 10:11 am

    …or Batman. Drunken Batman.

  • 109 Earl Fando on Apr 6, 2009 at 10:14 am

    The timing’s wrong. Plus, Bob speaks in a higher register when he’s laughing manaically.

  • 110 Earl Fando on Apr 6, 2009 at 10:15 am

    Which reminds me, Bill, when the hell are you going to announce the winner of the Obsession contest?

    Kidding, I’m kidding…

  • 111 Earl Fando on Apr 6, 2009 at 10:16 am

    Seriously, when?

  • 112 brad on May 5, 2009 at 12:35 am

    I know the contest is probably over…but ive had like, 9 beers. whatever.
    the answer comes from little ANI…and it is: “HIT THE NOSE!”

  • 113 google.com » Blog Archive » wicca- book of shadows mp3 on May 14, 2009 at 8:41 pm

    [...] Vote Assistance With my Hell-Phone [...]

  • 114 Priss Asagiri on Aug 22, 2009 at 12:00 pm

    I’m guessing that if you see the thing blinking you just have to pick up the receiver. Chances are it’s just Adam West on the other line. I wouldn’t worry about it.

  • 115 Michael Gmirkin on Aug 25, 2009 at 4:04 pm

    Perhaps you need to turn it 17 degrees to the left?

    Are you in Europe? Does it need an adapter?

  • 116 Michael Gmirkin on Aug 25, 2009 at 4:06 pm

    Perhaps I can send you this “state-of-the-art” Logitech microphone I got with Voice Cancellation technology? Not sure how it’ll help, but it sure couldn’t hurt!

  • 117 Mark Bennog on May 31, 2010 at 9:37 am

    Do like Remmie Barrow suggested and if you are so machenical deprived as i am take it a part ( every fricken part ) and put it back together again and the fricken thing is guaranteed not to work….