THANKS to everybody who wrote in with your suggestions on how to deal with my new phone. So so plentiful was the advice you gave that I need to declare two winners of free Rifftrax. The most popular theories involved Christian Bale’s Batman voice, time travel or both.
My favorite runners up: R.A. Roth, who suggested I “Hook it up to an AT&T line and don’t pay the bill. Within a month, they’ll repossess your possessed phone.” Scooter suggested I try dialing 9 first, to which I reply, “Okay, let see if–hey, wait a minute!” Maureen gave the sage advice to “sound the buzzer and say ‘Disconnect!’” Randommanthefirst sent me a link on how to obtain permission for an exorcism, which could be very helpful in the future. Taters suggested I try rebooting the phone, to which AJ replied that Taters must work for tech support. And Mike Finly came up with the simplest solution: “Give it to Mike.” He might have won, had he not put an emoticon on the end of his submission. I hate emoticons. Sorry.
First Runner Up is Inspector Dim who suggested I “draw a happy face on the front panel to solve that whole ‘desolate’ problem.” it worked, thank you and now the mere appearance of the phone no longer compels me to defenestrate myself.
But the WINNER is Wesley Stamper, who gained high marks on the obscurity curve by suggesting “Hand the phone to Noddy Holder and Run Runaway.” How could he know that I spent many a late night after tending bar watching reruns of Don Kirshner’s Rock Concert, on which Slade appeared so often I though they were the house band. What’s more, after taking his advice the phone did show up again, but now it sounds like this:
I can live with that. So winners Dim and Wesley, please email ERIK AT RIFFTRAX DOT COM. Our diligent, eloquent ebullient friend Erik with hook you up.