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Hell-Phone Issue Solved

April 6th, 2009 by Kevin Murphy · 32 Comments

smiley phone

THANKS to everybody who wrote in with your suggestions on how to deal with my new phone. So  so plentiful was the advice  you gave that I need to declare two winners of free Rifftrax. The most popular theories involved Christian Bale’s Batman voice, time travel or both.

My favorite runners up: R.A. Roth, who suggested I “Hook it up to an AT&T line and don’t pay the bill. Within a month, they’ll repossess your possessed phone.”  Scooter suggested I try dialing 9 first, to which I reply, “Okay, let see if–hey, wait a minute!”  Maureen gave the sage advice to “sound the buzzer and say ‘Disconnect!’” Randommanthefirst sent me a link on how to obtain permission for an exorcism, which could be very helpful in the future.  Taters suggested I try rebooting the phone, to which AJ replied that Taters must work for tech support.  And Mike Finly came up with the simplest solution: “Give it to Mike.”  He might have won, had he not put an emoticon on the end of his submission.  I hate emoticons.  Sorry.

First Runner Up is Inspector Dim who suggested  I “draw a happy face on the front panel to solve that whole ‘desolate’ problem.” it worked, thank you and now the mere appearance of the phone no longer compels me to defenestrate myself.

But the WINNER is Wesley Stamper, who gained high marks on the obscurity curve by suggesting “Hand the phone to Noddy Holder and Run Runaway.”  How could he know that I spent many a late night after tending bar watching reruns of Don Kirshner’s Rock Concert, on which Slade appeared so often I though they were the house band.  What’s more, after taking his advice the phone did show up again, but now it sounds like this:


I can live with that. So winners Dim and Wesley, please email ERIK AT RIFFTRAX DOT COM.  Our diligent, eloquent ebullient friend Erik with hook you up.

Tags: Monsters · RiffTrax · Shocking Conspiracies Only Kevin Sees · Time Travel

32 responses so far ↓

  • 1 R.A. Roth on Apr 6, 2009 at 11:27 am

    Ah, finally, I’m a runner up! You made my day, Kevin.


  • 2 meep on Apr 6, 2009 at 11:32 am

    I’ve got to approve of a Noddy Holder ref.

    Cum on feel the NOIZE!

  • 3 Ben on Apr 6, 2009 at 11:43 am

    Just wait til the Comedian drips blood on that happy face.

  • 4 Ross on Apr 6, 2009 at 11:48 am

    Congratulations Dim! You rock.

  • 5 jfe on Apr 6, 2009 at 11:49 am

    That still sounds spooky to me.

  • 6 jfe on Apr 6, 2009 at 11:52 am

    Maybe a cute spooky, but spooky nonetheless.

  • 7 Mike Finley on Apr 6, 2009 at 1:05 pm

    Damn you Kevin Murphy :(

    ….Oh wait, damn

  • 8 AJ on Apr 6, 2009 at 1:12 pm

    Huzzah! Glad you got it all sorted and thanks for the mention. (won’t do emoticon, but am smiling all the same.

  • 9 R.A. Roth on Apr 6, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    Yes, I vaguely remember “Run Runaway” hacking and slashing at my sensibilities in the mid-1980s. Deftly, quickly, I’d change to the All Led Zeppelin Station…only to hear “Run Runaway” playing there as well.


  • 10 Debbie on Apr 6, 2009 at 1:46 pm

    If you switch it Great Big Sea’s version of Run Runaway, you won’t want to rip your ears off.

    I promise.

  • 11 Mike on Apr 6, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    Seconded, but it needs a link:

  • 12 jason on Apr 6, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    They used to play that video all the time (”Run Runaway”), and I was fine with it, until the unfortunate tongue part. I think breakdancing was big back then, and being a middle aged white rocker guy he couldn’t break dance, so he just tried to tongue break dance or something. That part always made me turn the video off.

  • 13 Remmie Barrow on Apr 6, 2009 at 3:23 pm

    …Or is it ketchup?

  • 14 Gina on Apr 6, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    So the man who hates emoticons now has a giant one on his phone?

  • 15 randommanthefirst on Apr 6, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    Bean juice.

  • 16 Kris on Apr 6, 2009 at 3:58 pm

    Touche! And well-played!

    Congrats to the winners, glad Satan is off your back, Kevin!

  • 17 randommanthefirst on Apr 6, 2009 at 4:00 pm

    The one on the phone isn’t made of text or sideways.

    …Also it isn’t stupid.

  • 18 blackmyron on Apr 6, 2009 at 4:59 pm

    Wait, why was this entry tagged “time travel”?

  • 19 Ian on Apr 6, 2009 at 5:43 pm

  • 20 Wesley Stamper on Apr 6, 2009 at 8:43 pm

    Many Thanks for the free RiffTrax, Mr. Murphy.
    This goes a long way toward restoring my positive outlook on life which the Rockies pitching staff systematically attempted to destroy earlier in the day.

  • 21 Earl Fando on Apr 6, 2009 at 9:30 pm

    Happy face? I thought that was the new button on Kevin’s phone.

    Man, I need to read more closely this late at night…

  • 22 Earl Fando on Apr 6, 2009 at 9:41 pm

    Batman’s obviously moved from liquor to helium.

  • 23 Ed H on Apr 6, 2009 at 10:18 pm

    ugggh! Did you even TRY the pineapple? sigh.

  • 24 Mike Finley on Apr 7, 2009 at 7:04 am

    Just joking, thanks a lot for the mention! Appreciated

  • 25 Kris on Apr 7, 2009 at 8:23 am

    Pineapple was a worthy suggestion, sir, and requires more attention. If it’s not too late, I suggest submitting this to Bill’s Obsession Contest ASAP. MORE PINEAPPLE!

  • 26 Kris on Apr 7, 2009 at 8:24 am

    Why am I incapable of responding to posts correctly?! WHY, DAMN IT?!?

  • 27 Serpent O-R on Apr 7, 2009 at 9:27 am

    OMG! so Don S Davis wasn’t actually talking to the president all those times they tried to shut down the Stargate Program?

    … Or was he? Hmm…

  • 28 Earl Fando on Apr 7, 2009 at 10:37 am

    Still, it’s an endearing quality.

  • 29 Maureen on Apr 11, 2009 at 3:46 pm

    Thanks for the mention and, if you need help with cold feet, please write me.