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Wan, Murderous, Sparkly Pan-Beings!

April 21st, 2009 by Mike Nelson · 103 Comments

When will they invent a bloodthirsty, evil hell-beast for the rest of us? They have! Gone are the days when vampires were dreary, basement dwelling Eastern Europeans in capes. Now they are dreary, fey little d-bags wearing lipstick and shuffling around like unenthusiastic Lord Byron impersonators without the animal machismo or ruffled shirts. And they’re sparkly.

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Tags: RiffTrax

103 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Erica on Apr 21, 2009 at 9:53 am

    And we’ve also learned that they’ll do anything for love – but they won’t do THAT.

  • 2 Casey on Apr 21, 2009 at 9:54 am

    Right! and I don’t know if I can EVER forgive you guys for making it so I can’t go the rest of my life saying “I haven’t seen Twilight.” …. or Glitter… or Crossroads.

    I think I’m gonna go curl up and have a good cry.

  • 3 AJ on Apr 21, 2009 at 9:54 am

    I’m really concerned that you’re all going to be faced with pitchfork weilding fan-girls outside your HQ.

    I can feel a disturbance in the “Twilight fandom” force.

    Please, be safe!

  • 4 BEMaven on Apr 21, 2009 at 10:30 am

    The two wax dummies on the right are pretty awful.

    Did the wax come from a colony of bees who were bulimic?

  • 5 Katie on Apr 21, 2009 at 10:43 am

    I actually had to watch this is my English class without the aid of constant riffing to keep me sane.

    When asked by my teacher why I didn’t look so enthused about the movie choice, I responded “Oh, I just hate Twilight is all.”

    And all the girls in class turned around and looked at me as if I’d just said I was Hitler incarnate. It was worrisome and hilarious at the same time.

  • 6 Kris on Apr 21, 2009 at 10:57 am

    You had to watch this in an ACADEMIC SETTING?!? WHY?!

    *despairs for the future*

  • 7 Chinese Porkman on Apr 21, 2009 at 11:26 am

    Oh lord…

    So now I have to walk into Blockbuster and rent this thing.

    I had pledged to never rent there again after the snotty little girl with the fake Southern California accent refused to let me return that copy of Matrix Reloaded (also Rifftrax’s fault)…

    And now I have to go rent “Twilight” from her.

    The horror.

  • 8 Kim on Apr 21, 2009 at 11:26 am

    I’m thoroughly miffed that I’m going to have to shame myself by publicly asking for a DVD copy of this film.

    On the other hand I look foward to telling fangirls about the love of their life being riffed beyond all recognition.

  • 9 Katie on Apr 21, 2009 at 11:31 am

    Alas, yes.

    We also watched High School Musical 3, which I took as a personal insult.

  • 10 rebisaz on Apr 21, 2009 at 11:46 am

    I just watched the sample and I think I will definitely be able to forgive you for making me rent Twilight. That had me laughing ’til I cried. I can’t WAIT for the weekend when I have time to watch it.

  • 11 Erica on Apr 21, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    Netflix, baby, netflix! No personal interaction and they don’t care what you rent. I mean, they may judge when they fill orders, but at least you don’t have to witness the judgment!

  • 12 Nick Fechter on Apr 21, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    I’m going to imagine that this one might be even funnier than “The Happening” riff.

  • 13 Heather on Apr 21, 2009 at 12:37 pm

    Except that they clearly will, and do in the sequels.

  • 14 Heather on Apr 21, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    Sounds like someone needs to leap up on their desk and start reciting ‘O Captain! My Captain!’ That’ll confuse Professor Miley Cyrus to no end.

  • 15 Erica on Apr 21, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    Yes – it’s pretense, to sell tickets I assume :)

  • 16 Invisible NanoGhost on Apr 21, 2009 at 12:46 pm

    So, it’s a class on advanced methods of torture?

  • 17 Kat on Apr 21, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    Whoa! James from Team Rocket really hit the skids. At least his montra still works. “Prepare for Trouble!”

    -kat

  • 18 RemmieBarrow on Apr 21, 2009 at 1:03 pm

    …My suggestion…barracade yourself within your office and start throwing Harry Potter books at them…They will run away in terror for sure.

  • 19 Brooke on Apr 21, 2009 at 1:13 pm

    Aren’t all bees bulimic?

  • 20 James Shearhart on Apr 21, 2009 at 1:18 pm

    Ya know, it could be worse. It could be a RiffTrax for the Jonahs Brothers Concert Movie. In 3D….

    Also: Sparkly vampires? Are they short-circuiting?

  • 21 Elizabeth on Apr 21, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    I am not sure I can sit through the orgasmic line readings from Bella again, but for a riff I guess I will.

    That’s how much I love you guys.

  • 22 Dan Noutko-Kennedy on Apr 21, 2009 at 1:42 pm

    Egad! Pan-Beings? I live in Zamfir!

  • 23 Joyless Prole on Apr 21, 2009 at 2:00 pm

    I never realized kevin murphy looks slightly like david grohl.

  • 24 Gina on Apr 21, 2009 at 2:43 pm

    “Twilight” has been riffed. I can die a happy woman.

    (Not right this minute, you understand. Just . . . whenever it happens, it’ll be happy.)

  • 25 chrismartin on Apr 21, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    Since corporal punishment has been outlawed, this may have been the teacher’s best alternative.

  • 26 kingartie on Apr 21, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    So this must be the wrap-up for the wax figure obsession – a movie where the lead characters are in fact wax figures!

  • 27 Beth on Apr 21, 2009 at 3:18 pm

    Really all you’d have to do is dress up like a REAL vampire, complete with fangs and fake blood smears and they’d run for the hills.
    VAMPYRZ R SCARY 4 RLZ
    At least when they’re not effeminate British pretty-boys with a disdain for hygiene.

  • 28 AJ on Apr 21, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    Yes, that would work fine, until the Twilight fans notify the Harry Potter fans so then they all start storming the building, weilding, I dunno, fake wands and all that!

  • 29 AJ on Apr 21, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    I think they’re more, um, wooden than wax.

  • 30 randommanthefirst on Apr 21, 2009 at 3:25 pm

    Unfortunately, this is also the second time I will have watched this movie.

    Luckily the first time, my roommate and I went to a midnight showing of this weeks after it came out, so we were the only ones in the theater. We smuggled in a couple bottles of stout each to keep us company and riffed the movie, laughing through the night until we cried.

    Good times, but Jesus, this movie is awful.

  • 31 chrismartindeed on Apr 21, 2009 at 3:27 pm

    Pan-Beings?

    Pan as in goat-like god of shepherds and pastures?

    Or is the word meant to describe something that is general or complete in nature?

  • 32 Melinda on Apr 21, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    Ok, glad I’m not the only one who noticed that…

  • 33 BEMaven on Apr 21, 2009 at 3:32 pm

    That suggests an interesting solution to vampire outbreaks.

    To kill a vampire, shove a skinny, wooden actor through his heart.

  • 34 Attia on Apr 21, 2009 at 3:45 pm

    For BEMaven:

    Oh no, let’s not bring Keanu Reeves into this. This movie is bad enough without him.

  • 35 Popcorn Sonata on Apr 21, 2009 at 4:42 pm

    Oooh! Way to science it up, Brook. (look it up she’s totally right.)

  • 36 karen on Apr 21, 2009 at 4:53 pm

    mmmmm…………..hot mysterious vampire (vegetarian)

  • 37 ShutterBun on Apr 21, 2009 at 4:54 pm

    Fake Southern California accent? I didn’t think we had any. Plenty of other fake stuff here, though!

  • 38 Erica on Apr 21, 2009 at 5:09 pm

    Very confused… was I speaking in a fake accent??

  • 39 Erica on Apr 21, 2009 at 5:11 pm

    AH, just re-read the original post. I’m sorry. It’s been a long long day…

  • 40 Laura on Apr 21, 2009 at 5:24 pm

    OH GOD I’M SPARKLING! WHY HAS GOD FORSAKEN ME TO SPARKLE!

  • 41 Joyless Prole on Apr 21, 2009 at 6:02 pm

    LOL

  • 42 Margoo on Apr 21, 2009 at 6:08 pm

    Couldn’t you guys have riffed “Lost Boys” or even “30 Days of Night” – at least those are vampire movies I wouldn’t feel like a complete dumb ass for buying/owning/renting?

    I got bad enough looks from the guys working in the electronics department here when I went in looking for “Batman and Robin” and “Battlefield Earth.” Do you know how bad it is when the kid working in the electronics department can feel superior to you?

  • 43 Walter Kovacs on Apr 21, 2009 at 6:16 pm

    I know people complained about how long it took for the riff to come out, but it did mean that twilight was available ‘on demand’, so I didn’t have to actually rent it, just have it beamed directly into my TV.

    So, no embarassment, just the torture of seeing the movie, but it is nice to see something extremely worthy of ridicule get it.

  • 44 Shadoestar on Apr 21, 2009 at 6:54 pm

    I never thought I’d see the day where I’d willing buy a “Twilight” DVD. Of course, Rifftrax is the reason I ended up with movies like “Battlefield Earth,” “Batman & Robin,” “Crossroads,” “Glitter” and “The Happening” in my DVD collection.

    Given how long it took the “Twilight” Rifftrack to come out, I was starting to worry that Bridget might have forced Mike to ditch it. “You’re not making fun of my Edward!”

  • 45 Shadoestar on Apr 21, 2009 at 6:57 pm

    Well, you could do what I do: Buy these DVD’s used online. That way, you don’t have the humiliation of taking these movies to a clerk at a store.

    And most of these movies are much cheaper when you buy them used. I bought “Battlefield Earth” for $3.00. And that included shipping!

  • 46 Chinese Porkman on Apr 21, 2009 at 7:12 pm

    The accent I was referring to is the one where vowels are drawn waaaaay out. Multiple seconds of vowel sounds in the middle of words that should take less than a second to pronounce.

    Example:

    “Thaat Chinaaaaaise guy is so weeeeeird, he just rented Twiliiiiiiiiiight.”

  • 47 Erica on Apr 21, 2009 at 7:43 pm

    I find the best way to deal with people with fake accents is to suddenly acquire an accent myself. Or just go ahead and make up a language :)

  • 48 jfe on Apr 21, 2009 at 9:15 pm

    Is that thing in front of Mr. Murphy a vampire toaster?

  • 49 rebisaz on Apr 22, 2009 at 12:00 am

    That’s Disembaudio, he’s almost always in a threatening mood when it comes to the human race!
    My favorite part of that cover art is Bill as that other vampire, whoever he is, frowning disapprovingly on everyone else in the picture. Makes me laugh.

  • 50 Tork_110 on Apr 22, 2009 at 3:42 am

    Mike is dressed as Janeway again.

  • 51 Ben on Apr 22, 2009 at 5:17 am

    Dear Lord…I wouldn’t have wished this movie on anybody. I wouldn’t even ask riffers to watch it. It makes waterboarding look humane by comparison.

    I mean, isn’t this movie lethal to anybody who isn’t a teenaged girl?

  • 52 Casey on Apr 22, 2009 at 6:14 am

    Even while it is being riffed.. its hard to watch.. I have taken it in small doses.

    I hear that if you take it in very small doses you can eventually build up such an immunity that you can watch high school musical without killing yourself.. and those around you (who likely made you watch it.)

  • 53 Erica on Apr 22, 2009 at 7:08 am

    I don’t know, that sounds like an Urban Legend. :)

  • 54 BEMaven on Apr 22, 2009 at 7:37 am

    In deference to hard science, I concede the point.

    Treat yourself to a box of Honeycombs, Brooke.

    You too, Popcorn, if there’s a coupon handy.

  • 55 BEMaven on Apr 22, 2009 at 7:39 am

    But those two wax dummies on the right side of the poster are still hard on the eyes.

  • 56 awfulgoodmovies on Apr 22, 2009 at 7:51 am

    When isn’t Mike dressed as Janeway or a female? It’s a well known FACT Mike graduated high school in a dress.

  • 57 Lord Bob on Apr 22, 2009 at 7:57 am

    Mike looks like the kid at Wendy’s who goes to get you your nameless burger and spends fifteen minutes chatting to his friends instead about yeah, he’s borrowing his dad’s Mustang to go down to the levee, oh yeah, it’s got the phat muffler that’s, like, it’ll kill senior citizens loud.

  • 58 Nyx on Apr 22, 2009 at 9:19 am

    Yeah, it’s bound to get scary when all those 13-year-olds start storming… But don’t worry, us real Twilight-fans (who truly HATE this movie) will gladly help you push them back.

  • 59 Nyx on Apr 22, 2009 at 9:23 am

    Since the movie was the greatest insult to the book they could possibly make, riffing it can only be seen as an improvement.

  • 60 Nyx on Apr 22, 2009 at 9:25 am

    Sadly we couldn’t riff it in the theater, but the entire audience laughed at it anyway.

  • 61 Nyx on Apr 22, 2009 at 9:27 am

    *cough* Download! *cough*

  • 62 Nyx on Apr 22, 2009 at 9:33 am

    Twilight being riffed… Can’t say I’m surprised – I even guessed it in my movie comment on Imdb. Mostly because I was actually squirming in my seat while watching this, and laughing in embarrassment for the cast.

    I’ve seen more than a thousand movies, and this is the third one that’s made me feel that way.

    Anyway, many thanks, guys, for making the movie watchable! You’re doing a great job all over. I love your stuff!

  • 63 Nyx on Apr 22, 2009 at 9:41 am

    Sequels… *shudder* They only do it in the fourth book (= fourth sequel, probably), and I really hope we won’t have to see it.

    Visualize the performances by the two leads in the first movie – and now picture them playing out a sexually intense scene.

  • 64 Casey on Apr 22, 2009 at 9:53 am

    I am a tad curious about what the other two movies were.

  • 65 Brooke on Apr 22, 2009 at 9:57 am

    Can I have Honey nut cheerios instead? I’ll still share with popcorn.

  • 66 Erica on Apr 22, 2009 at 10:15 am

    Do I have to?

  • 67 jason on Apr 22, 2009 at 12:43 pm

    Did you have a disappearing armadillo in this class as well?

  • 68 Heather on Apr 22, 2009 at 1:24 pm

    Did you just make a Pokemon reference?

    Did I just CATCH your Pokemon reference?

    Suicide is painless…

  • 69 CrowTeeRobot on Apr 22, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    I too was hoping that I might be able to avoid watching Twilight. I can only take consolation in the fact that Eddie Deezen is not in this movie. He’s not in it, right?

  • 70 CrowTeeRobot on Apr 22, 2009 at 2:22 pm

    No, no you don’t. None of us do, now- Oh God! I pictured it! Run! Run for your lives!

  • 71 AnnPeek on Apr 22, 2009 at 2:37 pm

    but wasn’t twillight kind of interview w/ a vampire for teens?

  • 72 AnnPeek on Apr 22, 2009 at 2:37 pm

    forgive the extra ‘l’. tacoma is making me stupid.

  • 73 AnnPeek on Apr 22, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    stupider….

  • 74 RemmieBarrow on Apr 22, 2009 at 2:46 pm

    …I think you are thinking of “1941″, “I Wanna Hold Your Hand”, or “Laserblast”…Those are films that Eddie Deezen have been in….none are films that you would want to watch riff-free.

  • 75 CrowTeeRobot on Apr 22, 2009 at 2:56 pm

    *sigh* “1941″, what a wasted oppurtunity, so many funny people and oppurtunities, so little funny. This is why Steven Spielberg doesn’t make comedies.

  • 76 jfe on Apr 22, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    Thanks for the info. Not up to date on vampire stuff since Dark Shadows.

  • 77 RemmieBarrow on Apr 22, 2009 at 3:26 pm

    In a way…you could say the same thing about “Hook”…(shudder)….Just thinking about Robin Williams in green tights is making me want to puke.

  • 78 randommanthefirst on Apr 22, 2009 at 4:02 pm

    Oh God! I did too!

    …it’s spreading.

  • 79 Casey on Apr 22, 2009 at 7:30 pm

    Its to late.. we all think less of you now.

    (a joke!.. such typos are expected of everyone. :)

  • 80 Earl Fando on Apr 22, 2009 at 10:22 pm

    Hey, as long as there’s Meatloaf on the soundtrack it can’t be bad.

  • 81 Erica on Apr 23, 2009 at 3:28 am

    We cannot mention Eddie Deezen movies without mentioning the immortal uber-nerd Eugene…

    I would close with my favorite “Grease” quote but I don’t really have one, so…

  • 82 Erica on Apr 23, 2009 at 3:30 am

    This is a safe place, Ann, no judgment (I don’t know if I spelled judgment right because I never seem to, Word is always yelling at me, and I don’t really feel like looking it up now).

  • 83 Montagthemagician on Apr 23, 2009 at 4:33 am

    I thought the book was the greatest insult to the book they could possibly make.

  • 84 Ben on Apr 23, 2009 at 4:41 am

    Actually, “Twillight” sounds like an improvement on the original title. I’d love to see a movie where the villian is a vampiric pair of Docker pants.

  • 85 awfulgoodmovies on Apr 23, 2009 at 5:04 am

    I am not believe you spelled twilight not right!? you could need to do some more work on your. grammar spelling and if you need some help with your.

  • 86 Erica on Apr 23, 2009 at 6:37 am

    Actually, I believe the original spelling for this movie was Twylite. :)

  • 87 Nyx on Apr 23, 2009 at 9:14 am

    Yeah, I thought about adding “Feel sick yet?”, but it felt really surpurplous…

  • 88 Nyx on Apr 23, 2009 at 9:27 am

    Trying to cover up an awful movie with a pretentious spelling?

    Just by the way, turning off the grammar and spelling check in Word is always the first thing I do after installing. Is a perfect solution to the shouting Word-problem. :P

    Wish I knew how to do the same with Firefox. It’s set to swedish, so it complains about nearly 98% of the words. Very annoying.

  • 89 Nyx on Apr 23, 2009 at 9:32 am

    Needless to say, one of them is “Battlefield Earth”. Even riffed this movie is torture to watch. The other one is “This island Earth”. Both of them had me feeling equally embarrassed for the writers too, though. Especially the last one. I think it contained every beginners mistake in the book.

  • 90 Gina on Apr 23, 2009 at 11:49 am

    Erica — and they originally planned to run it on Syfy. ;-)

  • 91 Splunge on Apr 23, 2009 at 12:17 pm

    Not quite. “Interview with a Vampire” is not Mormon propaganda.

  • 92 Erica on Apr 23, 2009 at 12:54 pm

    LOL :) Guess maybe I could start signing my name Erca. It’d be a HUGE timesaver :)

  • 93 Nerf on Apr 23, 2009 at 1:44 pm

    Nyx,
    You know, Firefox has an extension that lets you translate everything into Swedish Chef. That doesn’t come standard on a Swedish version of Firefox, does it?

    Thet is pretty cuul, hooh?

  • 94 MonkeyCheezPants on Apr 23, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    http://www.piratebay.org

    I’m just saying.

  • 95 MonkeyCheezPants on Apr 23, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    Spielberg doesn’t make comedies? Is that why I was the only one in the theater giggling during the sex scene in “Munich”?

  • 96 Joyless Prole on Apr 23, 2009 at 5:45 pm

    Was it Erica or Erca I fell in love with? Now I will never know.

  • 97 Setsuled on Apr 23, 2009 at 11:01 pm

    I guess it is impressive someone made a feature length Xtranormal video, but it must have been an older version–Bella and Edward don’t seem as lifelike as the people in the newer ones.

  • 98 Erica on Apr 24, 2009 at 3:07 am

    Maybe Erika? :)

  • 99 Nyx on Apr 25, 2009 at 8:04 am

    Erika? Hey, that’s me! :D (Real name.)

  • 100 Joyless Prole on Apr 25, 2009 at 5:06 pm

    Now my heart is torn three ways, and not just in twain :O

  • 101 Nyx on Apr 26, 2009 at 5:31 am

    Just saw the riff, and laughed all the way through it. It was very much worth seeing just to hear the comments.

    Also, I started wondering about something: If Bella is the greatest cluts in the world, and bound to fall down even from floor height, then shouldn’t taking her to the top of a large pine-tree be considered attempted murder?