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Wax Dracula

April 24th, 2009 by Bill Corbett · 66 Comments

…or “Waxula,” to his pals, is undoubtedly made of wax. He’ll admit that upfront. He’s not trying to fool anyone!

wax dracula 2

But don’t get him started on TWILIGHT. Wax Dracula insists that while he is indeed made of wax, he is roughly 7000 times scarier / more interesting than all that series’ vampires put together. (He’s being modest here: studies have proven that number to be significantly higher.)

However, Waxula will readily concede that when it comes to scariness, he is a piker compared to Wax Jay Leno. “That guy scares the living &$%* out of me!” he says, shuddering. “It’s like he’s TRYING to become Bea Arthur!”

We concur:

wax jay leno

*****

NOTE re waxiosity: this too shall pass, friends. In my original Blog Obsession post, I promised (threatened?) thusly: “I guarantee that I will write at least six blog posts on that subject, in as many weeks.” That quota has already been reached, faster than anyone could have dreamed. (And it has been a dream, hasn’t it?)

So for those of you are, bizarrely, NOT charmed by hideous wax figures, please know that the rate at which these are posted will slow down from here. Then in time — maybe sooner, maybe later — no more wax.

Hideous wax figure groupies, on the other hand, are advised to start some powerful lobbying (a.k.a. bribing), stat.

Wax off.

Tags: RiffTrax

66 responses so far ↓

  • 1 karen on Apr 24, 2009 at 5:21 am

    that is ONE scary looking jay leno. every hear of paris hilton the house of wax? MUCH scarier….

  • 2 Casey on Apr 24, 2009 at 5:37 am

    *sigh* The whole wax thing was just starting to grow on me.

  • 3 Mr. Alexander on Apr 24, 2009 at 6:15 am

    Why does “TRYING TO BECOME BEA ARTHUR” sound like an amazing album title to me?

  • 4 Ryan on Apr 24, 2009 at 7:06 am

    Both the wax Dracula and the dead blood drained wax woman have more color than both the vampires and Bella from Twilight.

    Where is the wax Brain Guy? and the other MST3K characters?

  • 5 Onil on Apr 24, 2009 at 7:12 am

    Maybe Wax Jay Leno needs to check himself into the hospital.

  • 6 Nerf on Apr 24, 2009 at 7:25 am

    I for one am a fan of the bad wax figures. I find many of these figures more entertaining than the originals.

    I think that the only way that this could end is with the commissioning of wax counterparts for all the riffers.

  • 7 awfulgoodmovies on Apr 24, 2009 at 8:00 am

    That Dracula dude has some real anger management issues.

  • 8 Erica on Apr 24, 2009 at 8:08 am

    I don’t know why I now find comfort in that which is wax person, but I do.

    As long as I don’t think about how they used to do it back in the day…

  • 9 Beatnik Samurai on Apr 24, 2009 at 8:40 am

    Are you sure that’s supposed to Leno? It looks more like Soupy Sales.

  • 10 James Shearhart on Apr 24, 2009 at 8:47 am

    Actually, it looks more like Bea Arthur trying to become Billy Connolly….

  • 11 Sparkys Girl on Apr 24, 2009 at 9:10 am

    Wax Jay Leno looks like he just smoked crack.

  • 12 pjwaldron on Apr 24, 2009 at 9:13 am

    It’s not Leno; it’s the wax Stan Laurel. He wandered out of bed (somehow busting out of the chicken wire), and when he saw Waxula bent over his victim he became so frightened that his hair turned white and rearranged itself in that vaguely 90’s fashion. Quite sad, really.

  • 13 Beth on Apr 24, 2009 at 9:18 am

    Are we sure Leno isn’t just the lovechild of the two of them? I could see that . . .

  • 14 awfulgoodmovies on Apr 24, 2009 at 9:31 am

    Plausible theory………But I doubt Stan ‘busted’ out of the chicken wire, probably was ‘boosted over’ by Laurel.

  • 15 Ben on Apr 24, 2009 at 9:37 am

    Wax Jay Leno looks like Dick Van Dyke after a windstorm. I don’t suppose there’s a wax Blacula out there anywhere?

  • 16 Mr. Alexander on Apr 24, 2009 at 10:03 am

    The bee-keepers usually throw away the wax once it becomes black, so there’s not really available material…

  • 17 Scott on Apr 24, 2009 at 10:15 am

    Looks more like Windom Earle to me, which makes it even more disturbing.

    http://www.ceskatelevize.cz/specialy/twinpeaks/foto/twin_peaks_34.jpg

    Maybe this is the result of Cooper’s revenge, which we never got to see.

  • 18 jenifersf on Apr 24, 2009 at 11:32 am

    More wax figures! More wax figures!

  • 19 awfulgoodmovies on Apr 24, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    Waxula is a real pain in the neck.

    TGIF.

  • 20 awfulgoodmovies on Apr 24, 2009 at 12:44 pm

    And YES I did mean to say Stan boosted himself over the wire….Oliver has a bad back….more info here:

    http://www.oliverhardysbadback.org

    Proof Stan couldn’t climb chicken wire from the WIKI on Laurel:

    ‘….Stan Laurel had large hands and climbing chicken wire was impossible(improbable? wiki ed.)……’

  • 21 Remmie Barrow on Apr 24, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    That disembodied head of Jay Leno is way scarier than any of those so called vampires in Twilight.

  • 22 Joyless Prole on Apr 24, 2009 at 3:31 pm

    Can we please switch the current obsession to lawn gnomes, the kiss army, or zombies? Perhaps lawn gnomes painted like zombies and/or the kiss army? Do I need to email this suggestion for it to count?

  • 23 CrowTeeRobot on Apr 24, 2009 at 5:14 pm

    Not just you man, when I form my band of accordion, ukelele, tuba, banjo and jawharp players we are going to call ourselves “Becoming Bea Arthur”
    Awesome!

  • 24 CrowTeeRobot on Apr 24, 2009 at 5:20 pm

    I’m really worried about Waxula’s choice in women, I mean, she obviously has five o’clock shadow in that picture. Wouldn’t he notice when he has his head pushed down against her neck and it’s scratching the side of his face? Or is it too late to turn back at that point?

  • 25 Geena on Apr 24, 2009 at 5:21 pm

    Maybe you’ll become the next Kathleen Turner Overdrive!

  • 26 Erica on Apr 24, 2009 at 5:22 pm

    You need a piano too, so that you can sing “Miami, Miami.” And then there’s the Maude theme.

    Ah, memories. Shady Pines forever!

  • 27 Erica on Apr 24, 2009 at 5:24 pm

    It DOES look like Soupy Sales!! He scares me a little.

    Good God… might there be a… wax Soupy Sales?

    I dare not Google.

  • 28 Erica on Apr 24, 2009 at 5:25 pm

    Ditto! Ditto!

    Of course that doesn’t actually mean I am quite ready to experience the wonder that is Madame Tussaud’s. I’ll experience the joy vicariously for now.

  • 29 Erica on Apr 24, 2009 at 5:26 pm

    Let me just say this about the Jay Leno / Bea Arthur / Billy Connolly wax figure.

    Stretch out his face longways, and you have Mr. Bentley from “The Jeffersons.” His name escapes me… Paul something. Paul Benedict, that’s it. It’s a wax Paul Benedict with Don King hair and a smushed down face.

  • 30 Erica on Apr 24, 2009 at 5:27 pm

    We could go back to obsessing over suggestions for the obsession, perhaps? Might that amuse the oligarchy?

  • 31 CrowTeeRobot on Apr 24, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    And if we can swing it, Eddie Deezen will occasionally be a guest vocalist.

  • 32 Erica on Apr 24, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    Poor Bram Stoker. He didn’t ask to have his name associated with Waxula. If he only knew what moster he doth created!

  • 33 CrowTeeRobot on Apr 24, 2009 at 5:34 pm

    After further examination of the picture I believe that Waxula’s expression is actually in reponse to the stubble. (You must read the following in your best Dracula accent)”Aah, gross! Bleh! I totally wasn’t expecting that! Yech!”

  • 34 Erica on Apr 24, 2009 at 6:02 pm

    Tell me more! Tell me more! :)

  • 35 Erica on Apr 24, 2009 at 6:04 pm

    My apartment really needs a wax Tom Servo, to really be a home.

  • 36 Erica on Apr 24, 2009 at 6:05 pm

    By the way, Bill, I don’t have anything to bribe you with other than my pleas and the bourbon. Waxiosity forever!

  • 37 Erica on Apr 24, 2009 at 6:06 pm

    I’m surprised no one has said “bite me.” :)

  • 38 Erica on Apr 24, 2009 at 6:08 pm

    Due to the intense paleness of her upper face, I wonder if the “shadow” is supposed to be symbolic of her blood draining out?

    Ew I feel now!

  • 39 Erica on Apr 24, 2009 at 6:11 pm

    The above post was supposed to say “Ew I feel sick now” but I was so overwhelmed with sickness of the blood draining out in the way that I stated that I skipped the word “sick.”

    Kind of a reverse Freudian slip I guess :)

  • 40 CrowTeeRobot on Apr 24, 2009 at 6:57 pm

    John Cocker ,however, will not be invited, and we will occasionally play gigs with “The Rock Bottom Remainders”. We’ll also sweep the Grammys for years to come, not that that’s hard or anything. We’ll then be the musical guest on Saturday Night Live and still be better than anything on that show recently.

  • 41 CrowTeeRobot on Apr 24, 2009 at 6:59 pm

    I can sell you a partially finished non-wax Tom Servo, but you’ll have to make casts for the wax one youself. Also I can sell you some wax. From my ears.

  • 42 Invisible NanoGhost on Apr 24, 2009 at 7:08 pm

    The name “Waxula” makes me wonder if there’s a wax figure for the worst villain every imagined.

    I’m talking, of course, of Cruella de Vil

  • 43 TheCreeper on Apr 24, 2009 at 11:20 pm

    I’d say Alec Baldwin has “taken several blows to the cheek with a lead pipe”, if I can misquote Mr. Beaulieu.

  • 44 ready4sumfootball on Apr 25, 2009 at 7:00 am

    Am I the only one to look at that wax Jay Leno and think it looks more like Lady Elaine Fairchilde? Please take it away. I feel that even more unspeakable horrors from my past will visit me in my sleep tonight if that thing isn’t removed. *shudders*

  • 45 Nyx on Apr 25, 2009 at 8:12 am

    Poor Waxula. His eyes are just looking in all directions…

    And personally, I think was Jay Leno could have gotten a role on the “Golden girls” any day.

    Bill, I don’t really know what to use as a bribe, so can I just nag you instead?

  • 46 Casey on Apr 25, 2009 at 12:04 pm

    … the late Bea Arthur?

  • 47 Bill Corbett on Apr 25, 2009 at 12:38 pm

    Wrote this post before she died. But yeah, great timing.

    RIP Bea.

  • 48 Erica on Apr 25, 2009 at 1:08 pm

    I always laughed as much as the next person when people made fun of her, but I think so did she. I know there will be a lot of “Thank you for being a friend” but Dorothy and Maude got me through my growing up years. Someone asked me how she died, and I thought of a Golden Girls moment, this is not exact: “She was climbing Mount Everest and she fell. She was 86, THAT’S how she died!”

  • 49 Casey on Apr 25, 2009 at 3:56 pm

    Its okay Bill. I have no doubt that she is now aware of humor directed towards her and is laughing her head off…. or she might opt to haunt you for a short period of time… good natured haunting though. Great lady.

  • 50 Joyless Prole on Apr 25, 2009 at 5:05 pm

    Now that would just be silly ;)

  • 51 Joyless Prole on Apr 25, 2009 at 5:07 pm

    I am as god made me, sir. I wonder what happened to that guy.

  • 52 Erica on Apr 25, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    Paul Benedict? His last movie I think was “Isn’t She Great” with Bette Midler and Nathan Lane, and he died last year. Yes, if it’s trivial, it’s in my head…

  • 53 Joyless Prole on Apr 25, 2009 at 6:09 pm

    Wow, that’s uncanny.

  • 54 Brooke on Apr 25, 2009 at 10:46 pm

    Do you wish every night was monday night?

  • 55 CrowTeeRobot on Apr 26, 2009 at 7:22 am

    Oh, I’m going to miss that hilarious woman and her wonderfully distinctive voice.

  • 56 MonkeyCheezPants on Apr 26, 2009 at 6:33 pm

    If this blog is going to mention people immediately before their sudden deaths, can we go back to talking about Lady Gaga?

  • 57 Earl Fando on Apr 26, 2009 at 9:38 pm

    It’s wax Jay Leno after he did Face Off with Soupy Sales.

    There’s no other reasonable explanation, other than a really crappy wax artist, but I just can’t accept that.

  • 58 Earl Fando on Apr 26, 2009 at 9:41 pm

    I’d suggest there are some really serious health issues for those drinking wax blood, even the undead.

    That Dracula may not have been wax at all beforehand. Then he digs into a wax chick, gets that waxy blood in his system, and “Pow” now he has the complexion and stiffness of Barry Manilow, who is entirely made of wax.

    The CDC should look into this.

  • 59 Earl Fando on Apr 27, 2009 at 7:02 am

    OK, I am now totally convinced that is Alec Baldwin when he was slimmer and before the Grecian Formula.

  • 60 Earl Fando on Apr 27, 2009 at 12:30 pm

    I’m not talking *wax* alec Baldwin here… just to be clear.

  • 61 Бapaxa on Jun 23, 2009 at 6:06 pm

    Ага! Это точно всем пригодится.

  • 62 Степан Кузнецов on Jul 7, 2009 at 5:24 am

    Давно искал такую информацию, Премного благодарен за Вашу работу.

  • 63 Всеволод Ильин on Aug 18, 2009 at 3:12 am

    И как автору не жалко столько времени на написание статей тратить, мы конечно Вам очень благодарны, но вот я лично на такой альтруизм не способен :)

  • 64 Ярослав Карасев on Aug 21, 2009 at 9:59 am

    Почитал, улыбнуло :) А может и реально всегда думать только о хорошем, а все плохое переворачивать?

  • 65 Stas-11111 on Sep 2, 2009 at 3:15 am

    Прикольно так сделано

  • 66 Mark D on Aug 28, 2010 at 10:39 am

    Oh, “Stas-11111″, your filthy Russian jokes are just the BEST !!!!