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Trappings of privilege

May 1st, 2009 by Conor Lastowka · 30 Comments


Was reading an article about Justice David Souter stepping down, when I came across some valuable information:

He kept comfortably to routine, bringing a daily lunch of an apple and yogurt in a plastic grocery bag, eating alone in his chambers.

I leapt on this, and placed a phone call, hoping to land this dynamic sounding gent as a guest riffer, but as you’d imagine, he’s difficult to reach.  But what truly struck me was this line:

The thrifty Souter shunned the trappings of power and privilege that came with being a Supreme Court justice. 

Ah yes, the infamous “trappings of power and privilege” that are showered upon all Supreme Court justices.  Even prized college football recruits have not seen anything like the trove of riches and secrets that are yours as soon as you don the robes and join the elite-ist nine man team there is.  I did some research and found out what some of these privileges are, that we mortals will forever live in jealous desire of:

  • For Supreme Court Justices, McDonald’s serves breakfast for an extra hour.  For Chief Justice?  All day long.
  • The guy who makes all those “Calvin Peeing” decals will make you one of Calvin peeing on whatever you like.
  • Chuck E. Cheese’s “you must have a child with you to enter” rule no longer applies.
  • Once every three years you can call up George Lucas and tell him he has to change something in one of his movies, and he has to do it, no matter how pointless and stupid.
  • On your birthday, all the clerks in the court have to refer to you as “The Sexecutioner”
  • Exclusive access to Pruane2Forever’s videos a day before he actually posts them. (Pruane2 is often referred to as the “Tenth Justice”)
  • If you have a cat, Fancy Feast has a special “Fancier Feast” line of cat food just for Justices
  • Justices actually personally dictate the content of the comics page in newspapers.  Wonder why the hell a newspaper would still print “Baldo”? Clarence Thomas is a huge fan.

This list is just a tip of the iceberg.  Most justices will deny any knowledge of it. But if you ever see Clarence Thomas bending over, try to catch a glimpse of his “Baldo” tramp stamp.  Trust me, it’s there.


Tags: RiffTrax · silly

30 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Earl Fando on May 1, 2009 at 9:03 am

    Also, SC justices are not actually required to wear anything under their robes. Appelate judges have to at least wear a thong.

  • 2 Jesse on May 1, 2009 at 9:25 am

    Apparently you can also have clerks call you “the Sexecutioner” if you are Chief Judge of the Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit.

  • 3 Rob T Firefly on May 1, 2009 at 9:53 am

    Yeah, it’s the first of the month and I’ve already exhausted my mind-bleach budget on Clarence Thomas’ tramp stamp. This does not bode well for the rest of May.

  • 4 kt on May 1, 2009 at 10:02 am

    Do they call Pruane2 “Sexecutioner” even when it’s not his birthday?

  • 5 Sampo on May 1, 2009 at 10:18 am

    Four words: Extra EXTRA Crispy KFC.

  • 6 TheWonkey on May 1, 2009 at 10:46 am

    You’re always funny, but this is the funniest thing you’ve posted since I started reading this blog. Thanks for making me laugh today.

  • 7 Kris on May 1, 2009 at 11:02 am

    I second this, it’s a great post. Are we ever going to see a book from you, Conor? I suspect it would be pretty dang awesome.

  • 8 Henry Slinkman on May 1, 2009 at 11:16 am

    You’re going to hell for inflicting that “tramp stamp” imagery.

  • 9 Seitz on May 1, 2009 at 11:35 am

    Let’s say I’m a Supreme Court Justice, and I don’t have a cat, but I really just like to eat cat food. Can I still get the Fancier Feast, or do I have to show proof of cat?

  • 10 pjwaldron on May 1, 2009 at 11:47 am

    Supreme Court justices can also take more than 12 items through the express checkout lane at the grocery store.

    If that’s *not* a rule, I can tell you from personal experience at the Kroger’s that Antonin Scalia is a 23-item douchebag.

  • 11 joy on May 1, 2009 at 11:49 am

    Pruane2 prefers to be called Sex Man, not Sexecutioner.

  • 12 Erica on May 1, 2009 at 11:51 am

    I knew it!

  • 13 Conor Lastowka on May 1, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    This is where the “Elegant Medleys” collection of Fancy Feast comes in:

  • 14 Conor Lastowka on May 1, 2009 at 12:16 pm

    I hope it doesn’t affect your ability to properly Buy Food

  • 15 Conor Lastowka on May 1, 2009 at 12:16 pm

    When he lets them

  • 16 Conor Lastowka on May 1, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    Scanning for sarcasm…comment appears genuine. Thank you! As for the book, it is coming soon. I have a great idea, I’ll be going through the entire Julia Child cookbook and preparing each of the recipes, in hopes that I…wait, what? Who did? Movie starring who? Son of a!!!

  • 17 Earl Fando on May 1, 2009 at 12:35 pm

    Conor’s post had me thinking about it but this comment has me seriously considering going to law school.

    Next you’ll be telling us that they get the extra spicy Popeye’s chicken. That would make me seriously ill with envy.

  • 18 Erica on May 1, 2009 at 12:54 pm

    How about a book about you, your adorable blonde wife, and your adorable blonde dog and the trials and tribulations you have with both. It can be a movie with… oh, wait, guess that’s been done too…

  • 19 Kris on May 1, 2009 at 1:11 pm

    Genuine praise intended, though I don’t really see you as a chick-lit kinda guy – best leave that to Bill.

  • 20 Remmie Barrow on May 1, 2009 at 2:39 pm

    Oh GREAT!!!!!…Now that is going to be burned into my mind forever.

  • 21 jenifersf on May 1, 2009 at 2:49 pm

    Supreme Court Justices can also stand to the left on escalators, put trash in the recycling bin, and answer the phone during movies in a theater.

  • 22 Erica on May 1, 2009 at 2:59 pm

    And talk during live performances! The ultimate seductive trapping!

  • 23 kt on May 1, 2009 at 6:26 pm

    But I bet that if he got wind of the Sexecutioner title the whole Sex Man thing would go right out the window.

  • 24 Earl Fando on May 1, 2009 at 11:09 pm

    Concentrate on the robes.

  • 25 Sensei_Rebel on May 2, 2009 at 12:05 am

    You guys are confusing Supreme Court Justices with Chuck Norris.

  • 26 Scrivener on May 2, 2009 at 4:07 am

    You forgot the most amazing Supreme Court perk of them all, right there in the picture: invisible cell-phones.

    Souter’s in the middle of prank-calling Senator John Kerry in that shot. “No, seriously, we’re reviewing the 2004 election, and you’ve got a real shot — ha ha, punked!”

  • 27 Erica on May 2, 2009 at 8:32 am

    Scrivener, like Bartleby? I thought he was holding a cell phone the first few times I looked at the picture then I realized he was holding his head up. So as to look intrigued, pondering, or bored.

  • 28 DohXs on May 2, 2009 at 7:21 pm

    Remember the judge who could not define pornography but you knew when he could see it.