The RiffTrax Blog header image 1

Apparently, not a joke

May 5th, 2009 by Mike Nelson · 49 Comments

I see your ropeless jump rope and raise you jogging without the ground.


Tags: RiffTrax

49 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Erica on May 5, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    This could very well be because my computer sucks but it said “An Error Occurred, Try Again Later.” I have an Acer, so it really is probably me.

  • 2 JasonM on May 5, 2009 at 12:54 pm

    They have a post at Satellite news about this bad boy from last year, and how strangely similar it is to Frank’s invention exchange from Lost Continent.

    He also invented a stairs machine that lets you ascend to different floors in a building while you exercise.

  • 3 Erica on May 5, 2009 at 1:04 pm

    I bruised my computer’s ego when I said it sucked so it let me watch this time.

    I just wish they’d invent cars that bring themselves to the drivers. If we’re gonna be lazy, let’s be lazy!

  • 4 Nick Fechter on May 5, 2009 at 1:05 pm

    Looks like this guy might need one of those:

  • 5 Nick Fechter on May 5, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    I’m going to watch WALL-E in a dark room and cry now…..

  • 6 Kyle on May 5, 2009 at 1:40 pm

    This is what NAZI’s would be inventing if they had won the war.

  • 7 Casey on May 5, 2009 at 2:10 pm

    … and you can share the humiliation with a friend! Now IS the time to invest!

  • 8 Catfish on May 5, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    How about a row machine that sits on top of a canoe? Someone patent it before Speedfit does.

  • 9 AJ on May 5, 2009 at 2:19 pm

    Why are they playing music from some rejected American TV show?

  • 10 blablover5 on May 5, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    Did anyone else want him to suddenly get side swiped by a Semi or was it just me?

    I could swear I’ve seen something like this on Red Green too, or maybe I’m just hoping the possum van will take this guy out.

  • 11 Erica on May 5, 2009 at 3:15 pm

    It’s from PBS. They needed the money.

  • 12 Queen Bee on May 5, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    I demand a segment on “Top Gear” featuring this IMMEDIATELY.

  • 13 Queen Bee on May 5, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    Preferably one involving The Stig.

  • 14 yanni576 on May 5, 2009 at 3:27 pm

    we’d better get a patent on that stairs machine rightway

  • 15 Darth Chimay on May 5, 2009 at 3:27 pm

    Is it really the Ultimate Patent Pending Machine? It looked like some sort of silly treadmill thing, not something that pends patents…

  • 16 chrismartindeed on May 5, 2009 at 4:04 pm

    Lovely. I’ll take one out to the park, pull up next to some geek on a Seqway, and say, “Wanna drag?”

  • 17 Erica on May 5, 2009 at 4:48 pm

    No, you don’t say it, you look menacingly with a sneer as your cigarette hangs out of your mouth. Then you beat him.

  • 18 karen on May 5, 2009 at 4:59 pm

    wow people in america want to lose weight just not the HARD way. pashaw. that and ED ! anything for the pharmacy reps!

  • 19 KzinistZerg on May 5, 2009 at 7:52 pm


    Does this have brakes?

    Because, I can think of no worse machine than that which violently throws you off the back when you try to stop running. Like if you’re approaching a red light at a busy intersection.

  • 20 CrowTeeRobot on May 5, 2009 at 7:59 pm

    With a stick.

  • 21 CrowTeeRobot on May 5, 2009 at 8:02 pm

    Turn on the siren! Doot-doo-doodle-doodle-doo-doo…

  • 22 AJ on May 6, 2009 at 12:02 am

    Ahhhh, well that makes sense.

  • 23 Roper on May 6, 2009 at 1:26 am

    I think it needs a pope like enclosure to fully recreate the gym experiance, then hopefully they can move onto swimming without water.

  • 24 Erica on May 6, 2009 at 5:18 am

    A Pope-mobile? Brilliant!

  • 25 awfulgoodmovies on May 6, 2009 at 5:40 am

    I was in a band called ‘ jogging without the ground’(JoWoToG).’s/band/JOWOTOG.html

    Each one of us had a ’speedfit’ and we ‘jogged’ around the stage with them…..VERY synchronized……. Play a little …move a little……

    A review in the Branson Times called us : “A freakout on wheels…..Not to be missed!”

    True Story.

  • 26 Earl Fando on May 6, 2009 at 5:52 am

    Now this will get elderly people out of the malls and onto the streets again.

  • 27 awfulgoodmovies on May 6, 2009 at 6:00 am

    if you’re wondering what happen to the band…..

    our bassist rolled his ’speedfit’ and was killed on stage.

    our drummer blew a tire and smashed into the orchestra pit(he later died in the hospital).

    our lead singer tried a ’stage dive’ and killed 3 people.

    My speedfit burst into flames and exploded….i barely survived!

    Long Live JoWoToG!!!!!!!!

  • 28 awfulgoodmovies on May 6, 2009 at 6:21 am

    Then they should add ‘turn signals’ to them………..and wire them to permanently signal a ‘left turn’.

  • 29 Lucy's Bane on May 6, 2009 at 6:31 am

    Where’s Fred and Wilma? :D

  • 30 blue on May 6, 2009 at 8:58 am

    I looked up the actual product website, and they explain the added benefit of this contraption (vs. real running) as “runs with 4X your actually speed of walking or running”.

    Funny, i’ve never been out jogging and thought to myself “this is great, but only if i could be running 4 times faster!”

  • 31 Walter Kovacs on May 6, 2009 at 12:46 pm

    I totally need to patent the stationarybike-mobile before it’s too late.

  • 32 chrismartindeed on May 6, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    Yes, I remember seeing you perform, but I can’t remember the number of the VFW Hall.

    When you did your cover of Blood, Sweat, & Tear’s ‘Spinning Wheels’, there were tears in my eyes.

    The ticket desk wouldn’t give me a refund.

  • 33 chrismartindeed on May 6, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    And that’s not all.

    With monster wheels added, it would realize Dr. Forester’s dream of crushing mimes.

  • 34 BEMaven on May 6, 2009 at 2:05 pm

    Does the thing come with brakes, in case you go down a steep hill? Or do you have to start running backwards as fast as hell?

    (I have no patience for perusing their gimmicky website)

  • 35 CrowTeeRobot on May 6, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    “Tired of riding your stationary bike for hours, but not going anywhere?…”

  • 36 BEMaven on May 6, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    Well, if the machine had room for two men and a dominatrix, I could see some potential.

  • 37 Mike Finley on May 6, 2009 at 4:03 pm

    Finally, a practical solution to end global warming.


  • 38 NRRork on May 6, 2009 at 4:07 pm

    That has the potential to be pretty handy. The way I see it, though, all that running would make a person tire easily. So, I’d suggest a motor to turn the wheels, and probably a rather powerful one because of the weight, and in case it has to go uphill.

    Of course, that has the potential to make it go dangerously fast, so a braking mechanism might be in order. And naturally, you’ll also want a way to direct the thing, in case it’s a winding path. Perhaps a wheel like those found on ships, and one of the axles could have ruddering capabilities.

    And, well, let’s be honest, who the hell wants to stand during all this? A seat would be in order, and a comfortable one. Maybe some lights in case you’re out jogging a little too long and it gets dark. And that wind could be very biting on a chillier day, so a windscreen would be a godsend, and perhaps even a roof in case it starts to rain.

    And all this jogging might start to get boring, so maybe it should include another seat so a friend can jog with you. And perhaps it should have a radio in case you’re alone.

    I don’t know where else I can take this joke, although I suspect I could go one for awhile if I put my mind to it. But all and all, I think I made my point.

  • 39 Erica on May 6, 2009 at 5:41 pm

    We could always just hire people to jog for us – so we don’t have to!

  • 40 Joyless Prole on May 6, 2009 at 8:43 pm

    Except there’s no rocket lanucher.

  • 41 Katie Jane on May 7, 2009 at 4:26 am

    I find it interesting that most of the ads on the side of this page are for jump ropes, and rightfully so, except one about meeting black Christian singles.
    I think I’ll stop trying to make some sort of connection – it just makes my brain hurt.

  • 42 KzinistZerg on May 8, 2009 at 6:23 am

    No, no no. See, if the treads are moving on the top of the thing, then if you try to slow down, the treads won’t, and it simply catapults you off the back of the machine. Very simple, really.

  • 43 Earl Fando on May 8, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    Or you could just run his teeny little two-wheeler into a shallow ditch. Then, do the sneer and stick thing.

  • 44 Earl Fando on May 8, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    Well played!

  • 45 Earl Fando on May 9, 2009 at 3:14 pm

    …and no place for the guard dogs.

  • 46 Earl Fando on May 9, 2009 at 3:15 pm

    Well, I can see you’ve given this some thought…

  • 47 Awesome Robot on May 11, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    “Ultimate” implies that there will never be another patent pending machine ever again. That’s how awesome it is!