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Who loves you, baby?

May 30th, 2009 by Bill Corbett · 42 Comments

Who loves you so much that he’s making sure Lady Gaga isn’t the first thing you see on this blog?

Who loves you so much that he’s posting delightful spoken-word versions of songs by BREAD?

Who loves you so much that he’s posting delightful spoken-word versions of songs by BREAD as performed by master chef Tom Colicchio?

Who loves you like that? I really want an answer, damn it. (Hint: the answer is ME.)

Tags: RiffTrax

42 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Rob T Firefly on May 30, 2009 at 8:01 am

    If ever you thought the lollipops made Telly look silly, consider that this is what he was like on cigarettes.

  • 2 Brooke on May 30, 2009 at 9:11 am

    This convinces me more than anything that pot should remain ilicit…

  • 3 MonkeyCheezPants on May 30, 2009 at 9:25 am

    I’m not… the man… they think I am…
    I’m a Rock… It… Man!

  • 4 rebisaz on May 30, 2009 at 9:58 am

    Well that certainly got the weekend off to a strange start.

  • 5 BEMaven on May 30, 2009 at 10:00 am

    Mr. Corbett, just watching that video gave me three entirely new allergies.

    But I still wanna know what love is… I want you to tell me…I wanna feel what love is…
    I know you can show me…

  • 6 DMT on May 30, 2009 at 10:27 am

    I think he’s picking her nose at 2:33.

  • 7 chrismartindeed on May 30, 2009 at 12:13 pm

    Well, love can be expressed in many ways.

  • 8 DoughyGuy on May 30, 2009 at 12:37 pm

    The giant woman hovering behind Telly looks like she’s struggling to focus on the event on hand, but instead is still attempting to identify what that red stuff was in the salad she had for lunch (”Red pepper? Some kind of pickled cabbage? Beets?”)

    I would like to formally challenge the Rifftrax staff to create their own version of this video… Song choice is up to them, but I would recommend they stay within the confines of 70’s Light Rock, simply for consistency.

  • 9 Mr Fancypants on May 30, 2009 at 1:20 pm

    Wow. Telly Sevalas, the face that launched a thousand lunchs.

  • 10 Mystok on May 30, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    Telly you can’t paint her because her head is so freakin’ huge!

    I thought Rocket Man by The Shat was bad.

    At 1:42 she looks like “What the hell did my agent sign me up for! Help Me Please!”

    Now I will not be able to listen to that song again. Thanks Bill.

  • 11 J. Billington Swackhammer on May 30, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    That reminds me of a “baffled” Leonard Nimoy for some reason….

  • 12 Nick Fechter on May 30, 2009 at 2:26 pm

    He’s surprisingly calm for someone who’s about to be devoured by a giant version of Courtney Love.

  • 13 Wook on May 30, 2009 at 6:58 pm

    Gruesome. Her lips are still greezy, I can only presume from just devouring tiny smoking George Hamilton. Run, Telly! Flee for your life!

    Too late.

  • 14 Kleenex on May 30, 2009 at 7:54 pm

    What’s with the German postal address that shows up at the two minute mark? Is that where we write if we want some sweet, sweet Telly Savalas lovin’?

  • 15 James Shearhart on May 30, 2009 at 9:11 pm


    Dear Sir,

    I understand that you have a busy schedule, but present circumstances force me to petition you for a small favor, one that, only because you happen to be in the immediate vicinity, warrants your singular attention. It seems that one of your associates has gone, shall we say, bugfuck mad, and needs to be “delt with” in all haste. I will purchase your services per the terms outlined in your posted ad in the June 2002 issue of Soldier of Fortune magazine, minus the llama, for the eradication of one William Corbet, for crimes beyond Internet Irony. I await the parcel of ears and vocal chords for Proof Of Performance, at the designated drop point. The chocolate pudding is already on the stove….

  • 16 chrismartin on May 31, 2009 at 12:52 am

    Haven’t we all (at some point in our lives) secretly wanted to pour ourselves onto Telly Savalas?

  • 17 rebisaz on May 31, 2009 at 1:07 am

    Well, Bill loves us enough to make sure that Lady Gaga isn’t the first thing we saw here, so… I mean, even though the replacement is Kojak speaking a Bread song it’s still an improvement so… um, Bill, you do love us, right?

  • 18 iAMaGUY on May 31, 2009 at 1:23 am

    I would like to draw attention to this little gem:

    Good ol’ Telly can be heard doing the voice of Magmar, the evil antagonist of the GoBots! How amazing is that? Answer: tons.

    Also, I just watched an episode of the twilight zone with him (Talking Annie)… Also, simply amazing.

  • 19 Dan Noutko-Kennedy on May 31, 2009 at 6:58 am

    Oh, Bill, you like me, you really really like me!

  • 20 jfe on May 31, 2009 at 9:27 am

    I think I prefer the wax figure obsession better, at least they didn’t make noises.

  • 21 jfe on May 31, 2009 at 9:30 am

    Just destroy our perception of Spock once and for all why doncha!

  • 22 AJ on May 31, 2009 at 10:58 am

    I’d rather watch this than Lady Gaga. But I’m still not pressing play.

  • 23 jfe on May 31, 2009 at 1:14 pm

    You rebel, you!

  • 24 Mr. Slick on May 31, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    I love you too Bill! Which window do you suggest I peer through at you house? I’m new to stalking and I wanna do it right.

  • 25 DohXs on May 31, 2009 at 2:02 pm

    “If a man could be two places at one time” …… I’d be shooting myself in the head right back then before I heard that.

  • 26 rebisaz on May 31, 2009 at 3:35 pm

    Come on, AJ, you know you want to. Give in.

  • 27 randommanthefirst on May 31, 2009 at 11:13 pm


  • 28 randommanthefirst on May 31, 2009 at 11:15 pm

    I’m not so sure, Bill. I’m happy you no longer want us to see Lady GaGa, but you put here then in the first place and I can’t unsee it.

  • 29 Invisible NanoGhost on Jun 1, 2009 at 12:39 am

    I do think this is a step up from Lady GG, although Telly isn’t likely to make the list of my top 10 favorite singers. I appreciate the love you’re sending our way.

  • 30 Heather on Jun 1, 2009 at 6:41 am

    My favorite Telly Savalas role ever was his part in the “Talking Tina” episode of The Twilight Zone. And, of course, since Lady GaGa resembles no one so much as the very creepy Talking Tina doll, we’ve come full-circle.

  • 31 CrowTeeRobot on Jun 1, 2009 at 6:51 am

    I think one of them should do a Columbo impersonation, and Kevin should be doing funny giant-headed faces. Don’t know what the song should be yet though.

  • 32 CrowTeeRobot on Jun 1, 2009 at 6:57 am

    I didn’t know Kevin had a mercenary brother named Keven, that’s some pretty unoriginal baby naming on their parents part. “How about we name the other one ‘Kevin’ with an ‘e’ instead of an ‘i’?” “You’re so smart, that’s why I married you, darling” *Smooch* *kiss*

  • 33 Houndstooth Mind on Jun 1, 2009 at 8:33 am

    I don’t think Bill loves us at all… baby.

  • 34 Corn Job on Jun 1, 2009 at 9:53 am

    Oh 1970’s, can you please borrow us some of your charm? The crap people make today is just as awful (has anyone seen how absolutely idiotic the show starting group performances on American Idol are? MUCH worse than this.) yet it completely lacks the charm that oozed from everything old like this that makes it so cheesy and fun.

  • 35 Earl Fando on Jun 1, 2009 at 10:54 am

    That had to be an ITV production. Did anyone notice Harry Potter was the Art Director?

    Also, I’m sure Vera Miles looks back fondly to this milestone in her career. It’s the kind of credit that makes for great reverse drinking games:

    Interview: Vera, do you remember working on Baffled?

    Vera Miles: (takes shot of vodka)

  • 36 Earl Fando on Jun 1, 2009 at 10:55 am

    My bad… it was Harry Pottle, not Potter.

  • 37 DoughyGuy on Jun 1, 2009 at 1:31 pm

    My first thought is Mike in the foreground performing a heartfelt rendition of “We’ve Only Just Begun”, while Bill & Kevin exchange glances and snickers at each other from behind him.

  • 38 Earl Fando on Jun 1, 2009 at 2:10 pm

    Don’t even joke about such a thing. You could cripple the German tourist trade with flippant remarks like that.

    Not to mention, I already have enough nightmares.

  • 39 Erica on Jun 1, 2009 at 5:32 pm

    Just seeing Telly Savalas makes me feel better. Following AJ’s example, I won’t press play either. But Telly still makes me feel better.

  • 40 Ian on Jun 21, 2009 at 6:13 pm

    2:33 Oh poked a bat in the cave

    Cool Video

  • 41 Mark D on Aug 23, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    Can anyone please explain the odd guttural sound that Telly “emits” at about the 2:19 mark ??

    If I had to venture a guess, I’d say it was probably the ‘Gyro’ he ate at lunch that day, repeating on him during shooting…….

    And I second the previous poster, who also seemed to notice the distinct “HELP ME !!!” look on the GPL’s (Giant Pretty Lady) face, at more than one point during the video…..