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What an eccentric fellow

June 4th, 2009 by Mike Nelson · 31 Comments

Blogger extraordinaire (and bad wax figurine enthusiast) Brit brings to us the rich interior life and, shall we say, offbeat personality of this man, John Portsmouth Football Club Westwood:

JPFCW

John Portsmouth Football Club Westwood wears a novelty Pompey top hat, a blue and white dreadlock wig, a blue-check vest, shorts and a pair of tattered blue-check clown shoes… John Portsmouth Football Club Westwood has 60 Portsmouth tattoos on his body. He wears a blue check vest and shorts so you can see some of them….John Portsmouth Football Club Westwood has strange sad eyes and has been thrown out of several grounds for being drunk and disorderly. Many people want to have their photograph taken with him because he rings a bell, wears a novelty Pompey top hat and is often on television.

As the kids today say, read the whole thing.

Tags: RiffTrax

31 responses so far ↓

  • 1 jason on Jun 4, 2009 at 11:21 am

    The Cowardly Lion hits the Gay Pride Parade!

  • 2 Wook on Jun 4, 2009 at 11:31 am

    I’d venture that a name like John Portsmouth Football Club Westwood lands him squarely in the Slightly Silly Party (a la Kevin Philips-Bong) but for this:

    “He has “PFC” engraved on his teeth.”

    Which is a square kick in the clown pants into the party of Jethro Q. Walrustitty and that Frampton Jones Fruitbat guy.

  • 3 Shawn on Jun 4, 2009 at 12:05 pm

    Wait, that’s just Hank Azaria.

  • 4 Rob on Jun 4, 2009 at 12:14 pm

    One of many reasons why I moved away from Portsmouth.

  • 5 Gina on Jun 4, 2009 at 12:28 pm

    Would you buy an antiquarian book from this man?

    (Yeah, me neither.)

  • 6 pjwaldron on Jun 4, 2009 at 12:28 pm

    If you look to the far left of the picture, you can just make out his brother, David Portsmouth Football Club Westwood, trying to be brave in the face of his brother’s debilitating affliction, but shedding a silent tear.

  • 7 Constantine on Jun 4, 2009 at 1:13 pm

    Ah yes, the rare photo of Martha Stewart’s brief prison riot.

    Y’know, without all that TV makeup, she’s really starting to look her age.

  • 8 Constantine on Jun 4, 2009 at 1:17 pm

    I would also like to add… is there such a thing as a GOOD wax figurine?

    I can see “good wax” or “good figurine”, but somehow seeing the words “good”, “wax”, and “figurine” together in that order makes my ears pop and vision blur.

  • 9 County Clerk Shiocton Wisconsin on Jun 4, 2009 at 1:20 pm

    I worked as a county clerk in Shiocton Wisconsin 30 years ago and I turned down a name change request from a youngster named Mike Nelson?! He wanted: Mike Packers Rule Nelson….or….. Mike Vikings can suck it Nelson).

    True story.

  • 10 jfe on Jun 4, 2009 at 1:24 pm

    Yeah, so what team is he rooting for? Not sure (;-}

  • 11 chrismartindeed on Jun 4, 2009 at 3:25 pm

    John Portsmouth Football Club Westwood….
    Wears a Pompey hat
    John Portsmouth Football Club Westwood….
    Has a blue check vest
    John Portsmouth Football Club Westwood…
    Wears over 60 tattoos

    The news copy reads like discarded lyrics from a Monty Python album.

    Where’s that number you call when you spot a loony?

  • 12 Wook on Jun 4, 2009 at 3:38 pm

    I wonder, is John Portsmouth Football Club Westwood one of the Funtley Portsmouth Football Club Westwoods or the Stubbington Portsmouth Football Club Westwoods?

  • 13 jenifersf on Jun 4, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    That’s really strange, because just this afternoon I was thinking what a funny name Pompey is and wondering if I were low-brow to think so.

  • 14 CrowTeeRobot on Jun 4, 2009 at 4:52 pm

    This is hilarious because I just watched that episode last night.

  • 15 chrismartindeed on Jun 4, 2009 at 5:04 pm

    The Watford Long John Silver Impersonators.

    Don’t you keep up with British sports?

  • 16 jfe on Jun 4, 2009 at 8:41 pm

    AAARRRGGHHHH!!!!!!!!

  • 17 jfe on Jun 4, 2009 at 8:44 pm

    Would it help the numa numa guy to wear a pompey hat?

  • 18 Margoo on Jun 4, 2009 at 11:48 pm

    You know it strangely reminds me of the crazy outfits my dad used to wear to church in the late 70s/early 80s. Don’t get me wrong, he’d wear a shirt under that vest – we’re no heathens.

  • 19 AJ on Jun 5, 2009 at 10:05 am

    Pffft. I’m a Liverpool supporter! You offend me! How dare you!

    Actually, footy doesn’t really interest me. But I still like Liverpool.

  • 20 AJ on Jun 5, 2009 at 10:06 am

    You don’t go to a lot of football matches, huh?

  • 21 Mr. Alexander on Jun 5, 2009 at 10:14 am

    So, if this soccer team re-locates or has any manner of name change, this poor bastard has to have major reconstructive surgery? And here I thought the high-water mark of hooliganism was simply determined by how many opposing fan’s skulls you crushed beneath your boots after the match.

  • 22 Brit on Jun 5, 2009 at 10:27 am

    The notion of relocating a sports team is a peculiar Americanism, Mr A. We haven’t got the hang of ‘franchises’ so it doesn’t happen with English football teams. Well, that’s not quite true, it happened once, when Wimbledon FC moved to Milton Keynes and become MK Dons. Only a few miles down the road but the Wimbledon fans ignored the new team and set up a new, ‘real’ Wimbledon. It was, of course, their birthright. Oh and hooliganism died out 20 years ago. These days we prefer knife crime, expense-fiddling and binge drinking. Other than those details, you’re absolutely right.

  • 23 Gina on Jun 5, 2009 at 11:45 am

    I just like the name “Liverpool.” I mean, think about it. Whose genius idea was it to name a town after a pool of liver?

  • 24 AJ on Jun 5, 2009 at 3:35 pm

    Ha Ha!! Niiiice.

    Don’t ever ask anyone in Liverpool that. You’ll get smacked silly. Specially if you ask around Birkenhead…..

  • 25 Brooke on Jun 5, 2009 at 8:30 pm

    Why did you reject it?

  • 26 Stella on Jun 6, 2009 at 6:22 am

    I don’t get sports nerds. Why can’t they have a normal obsession like Star Trek or collecting violent Japanese porno?

  • 27 CrowTeeRobot on Jun 6, 2009 at 6:54 pm

    Jim boy!

  • 28 Brooke on Jun 7, 2009 at 9:09 pm

    ‘Millwall, Millwall, you’re all really dreadful, and your girlfriends are unfulfilled and alienated…

  • 29 Zebedee on Jun 8, 2009 at 4:52 am

    Wow it’s me in about 20 years!

    I loook Fabulous!

  • 30 Earl Fando on Jun 9, 2009 at 9:42 am

    Spot on with that analysis AJ. A bloke like Westwood would eat someone like jason, were he to casually approach him wearing, say, a Southhampton strip.

    We’ll, he’d spit the strip out.

    This reminds me of the nickname for Pompey (Portsmouth): Ex-Arsenal. You’d have to follow football to know why.

  • 31 アニメ販売 on Jun 13, 2011 at 10:49 pm

    Spot on with that analysis AJ. A bloke like Westwood would eat someone like jason, were he to casually approach him wearing, say, a Southhampton strip.

    We’ll, he’d spit the strip out.