I have nothing to add

June 19th, 2009 by Bill Corbett · 108 Comments

…except that it’s fun to imagine the filthy and hilarious cursing Redd Foxx unleashed right after he filmed this monstrosity:

(via Topless Robot)

108 responses so far ↓

1 pjwaldron on Jun 19, 2009 at 2:20 pm

Did Paul Lynde sing “Where the Force can you be?” And why did Darth Tony the Tiger run away? And what was Kris Kristofferson whispering to Marie when they were about to be Busby Berkleyed to death by the female stormtroopers? I’m guessing it wasn’t fit for the Osmond show. What a minute…Paul Lynde?! WTF?!
Someone wrote that whole thing down as a script. On paper. And got paid to do it. There is so much evil in the world.

[Reply to this]
Reply from pjwaldron on June 19, 2009:
I was going to call this the most heinous artifact ever to have resulted from the creation of Star Wars, but then I remembered the prequels.

Reply from Dengar on June 19, 2009:
Oh no you d’int! Nice one….

Reply from GersonK on June 19, 2009:
Good call on Tony. He was also provided the voice of the male singer in Design for Dreaming (the nuveena short.)

I wonder if Paul Lynde and 3P0’s hit it off backstage?

Reply from Barry on June 19, 2009:
Frosted Force: It’s grrrrreat!

Reply from Vic Arpeggio on June 21, 2009:
Yep, that’s Thurls Ravenscroft all right.
2 jfe on Jun 19, 2009 at 2:53 pm

Please, someone give R2D2 back his dignity!!!

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Reply from rebisaz on June 19, 2009:
Why didn’t he fly away?

Reply from jfe on June 19, 2009:
Had to obey the contract I guess.

Reply from Earl Fando on June 24, 2009:
Fly away? All they had for flying effects on that set was 20 lb. tackle line.
3 rj77 on Jun 19, 2009 at 3:00 pm

Is it wrong that I covet Donny’s white go-go boots?

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4 Erica on Jun 19, 2009 at 3:07 pm

That was the slowest and most painful nine minutes and fifty-nine seconds without the benefit of painkillers in my life.

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Reply from jenifersf on June 19, 2009:
I made it 1:24. Longer than most of these video posts.

Reply from Erica on June 19, 2009:
That is admirable! I had the sound turned down. Luckily the images spoke for themselves!

Reply from Earl Fando on June 24, 2009:
I kept thinking to myself, “I probably saw that when it was first aired.” Is it too early for a drink?

Reply from Erica on June 25, 2009:
It’s never too early to drink - you buyin’?
5 Fatguy on Jun 19, 2009 at 3:23 pm

Wow, I’m sure I ate this up at 7yrs old, but weren’t there any adults involved in this production?
This thing pre-satirized itself!

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6 oksoda on Jun 19, 2009 at 3:35 pm

…and this is your Star Wars on Mormonism. Any questions?

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Reply from Awesome Robot on June 19, 2009:
I thought Starwars on Mormonism was “Ender’s Game” which was actually very good.

Reply from MackJ on June 21, 2009:
I thought that was Battlestar Galactica.
7 blackmyron on Jun 19, 2009 at 4:04 pm

Unfortunately, this passed for entertainment in 1970s.

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Reply from rebisaz on June 19, 2009:
The things that seemed okay back then.
8 Jack B on Jun 19, 2009 at 4:10 pm

And yet, I hear that the Christmas Special is even worse.

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Reply from Fred on June 19, 2009:
Oh, it is. It most certainly is.

Reply from Mystok on June 20, 2009:
Only by the fact that it is longer, if this sketch had gone on for two hours the universe would have collapsed in on itself.

Reply from Dave Lewis on June 20, 2009:
Bill, you magnificent bastard, you’ve done it again in delivering the funny goods (at a low-low price)!

Reply from Invisible NanoGhost on June 21, 2009:
The christmas special is much worse. This is silly, but at least it’s entertaining and mostly in english. With the Christmas special there were long stretches of watching wookies just grunting at each other.
9 Craigary on Jun 19, 2009 at 4:42 pm

Thanks, that may have been the most disturbing thing I’ve seen in a long time. I need to go scrub my brain out with borax now. Or maybe watch something dark like an Up With People video.

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10 Heather on Jun 19, 2009 at 4:52 pm

“Gotta get lost in space”…yeah.

I found that line especially funny, because that’s exactly what I wished they WOULD do, even before the first two minutes had elapsed.

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11 Jana on Jun 19, 2009 at 4:55 pm

Planet Sanford sounds AWESOME!!

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12 Barry on Jun 19, 2009 at 5:48 pm

Aaarrrrrgh!

Curse you, Bill Corbett!!!

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13 Mario "Asteroid" Panighetti on Jun 19, 2009 at 5:53 pm

I think I’m most horrified that Anthony Daniels took part in this.

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14 Darth Chimay on Jun 19, 2009 at 6:18 pm

They just don’t make television like that any more.

Thank god.

I won’t say anything about how weird it is that Donny and Marie play Luke and Leia because, well, I don’t care.

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15 Tork_110 on Jun 19, 2009 at 6:31 pm

I wonder what other seventies shows Star Wars was pimped out to. Did Darth Vader make a trip to the Bunkers?

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Reply from Meltha on June 24, 2009:
Actually, there really was a Star Wars episode of the Muppet Show.
16 Rob T Firefly on Jun 19, 2009 at 6:43 pm

Will someone get that walking carpet out of Chewie’s way?

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17 Donna on Jun 19, 2009 at 6:46 pm

And yet, in spite of the horror — the bad acting, the bad jokes, the awful, stultifying blandness — and the teeth, dear Lord, those blinding white TEETH!

What was I saying?

Oh, yeah, in spite of that, in some geek level in my soul, I’m thinking it’s so cool Luke and Leia were played by a brother and sister years before Revenge of the Jedi revealed that Luke and Leia WERE brother and sister.

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Reply from euphoriafish on June 19, 2009:
Maybe this skit is where Lucas got the idea that they *should* be brother and sister. >: )

Reply from Earl Fando on June 24, 2009:
So, for any of you who thought, “He made them brother and sister? What was he smoking?” Now you know.
18 Steve R. on Jun 19, 2009 at 7:25 pm

Bill, please make it stop! Make it stop!!! I’m lucky enough to have dodged the 70’s, and now you show me this?!?!?!

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Reply from Casey on June 20, 2009:
I’m in the same boat Steve… but I have come to terms with the grim reality that.. nobody dodges the 70s.
19 Manos316 on Jun 19, 2009 at 8:39 pm

My guess, is that the creepy brother sister romance vibe of Donnie and Marie inspired Lucas.

They totally lost the script at the end. Vader: “Ah-ha, I have you surrounded. And now I run away, because you’ll never capture me!” Apparently Chewie placing his hand on a mid-level officer’s shoulder is enough to turn the tide of battle. The mere threat of Chewie’s fetid body odor is enough to overpower a Sith Lord, and an elite unit of crack Dance Division Femtroopers.

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20 Erik at RifTrax on Jun 19, 2009 at 11:04 pm

By the power of My Force™ - that sucked!

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Reply from Ian on June 21, 2009:
Yes the force to pinch this loaf onto TV.
21 GMaupin on Jun 20, 2009 at 2:55 am

The legend that was Thurl Ravenscroft…first Tony, then every bass voice at Disney World, all leading up to this singular moment in time: Vader. Could’ve taken James Earl Jones in a profund-off any day.

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22 Col_Shaggy on Jun 20, 2009 at 7:31 am

oww, owww, owww, OWWWW!!!!!
I think that hurt my very soul, I second the damning of Corbett.

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23 CreepyGirl on Jun 20, 2009 at 8:05 am

Back in the funkadelic 70s, the TV sure did suck…. (Sing it with me, Kevin!)

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Reply from Mr. Alexander on June 22, 2009:
…but there were only three channels from which to choose, so the audience was pretty $%&#ed!
24 Scrivener on Jun 20, 2009 at 1:23 pm

I cannot watch this.

But I cannot *not* watch this.

Bill, are there any prizes for sticking it out to the end? Nah, didn’t expect such a crumb of decency as that. Well, let’s see how much of it I can endure before I surrender to the “stop” button.

This is Red Five. I’m going in.

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25 Scrivener on Jun 20, 2009 at 1:39 pm

… and somehow, I survived. Nearly blacked out at the 6:50 mark (it was as if all Motown cried out in terror, and was suddenly silenced), but I got to the end.

Bill, Satan and all his minions are too good for you. I have to go invent a new theology now, with punishments fitting for what you have committed today. Spending eternity with Kris Kristofferson sounds like a good start …

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Reply from Mr. Alexander on June 22, 2009:
The Cult of Cthulhu is on the leading edge of eternal torment, although gaining entry may cost you having to breed with a half-human/half-fish. Or having your brain scooped out, put into a life-support cylinder, and flown via crustacean-fungus to Pluto. Or having your mind swapped with a prehistoric tentacled cone for an undetermined amount of time. Or…
26 Mystok on Jun 20, 2009 at 1:58 pm

Bill, you are just doggedly determined to drive us all insane. Please have mercy on us when picking these mind altering videos.

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27 Original Famous John Smith on Jun 20, 2009 at 2:26 pm

Oh come on, how can you guys not like a musical number with a slight undercurrent of brother-sister sexual tension? And as someone pointed out, a not so subtle interlude between kris kristopherson and marie.

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28 Roper on Jun 20, 2009 at 3:15 pm

Bravo! You’ve done the impossible, you found a clip beneath the dignity of Paul Lynde.

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29 Nick Fechter on Jun 20, 2009 at 5:31 pm

As the great Calculon once said:

“That was so terrible I think you just gave me cancer!!!”

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30 karen on Jun 20, 2009 at 6:04 pm

oh the horror. Had to stop.

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Reply from Steve R. on June 21, 2009:
I couldn’t make it past the first song.
31 Lucy's Bane on Jun 20, 2009 at 10:10 pm

Dancing Stormtroopers FTW.

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32 Vic Arpeggio on Jun 21, 2009 at 2:10 am

I’m going to need a “Sunday Morning Coming Down” after this. I have a sneaky feeling Kris Kristofferson’s payment involved something shipped 12 bottles to a case.

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33 Steve R. on Jun 21, 2009 at 5:58 am

This is the most utterly shameless thing I think I’ve ever seen. Honestly, I can’t make it past the first number!

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Reply from Dave Lewis on June 21, 2009:
Then you’re missing out. I couldn’t make it past the first number myself at first, but then Red Foxx and Paul Lynde showed up to make everything all right.

Reply from Steve R. on June 22, 2009:
I’ll try. I know I’ll fail and cry myself to sleep tonight, but I’ll try.

Reply from Dave Lewis on June 22, 2009:
“I’ll try” is all that anyone can ask. Except mother-f’ing Yoda, who demanded that there is actually no “try”–only do, or do not.
34 randmcnally on Jun 21, 2009 at 10:45 am

needed a pod race scene

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35 Ian on Jun 21, 2009 at 6:17 pm

Must stab eyes with forks and cut off ears I couldn’t even watch the first minute but still damn funny.

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36 Mr. Slick on Jun 21, 2009 at 8:13 pm

Thanks Bill I just died inside.

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37 Corn Job on Jun 21, 2009 at 9:40 pm

Oh my, young Marie Osmond as Princess Leia is unbelievably HOT. I think this just adds to my opinion that the equivalent crappy 2000’s television such as American Idol is just as crappy but a hundred times less fun than crappy 1970’s TV like this. I’d rather watch this a hundred times than watch another single episode of American Idol.

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38 Fantagor on Jun 22, 2009 at 12:25 pm

Everyone is missing the true genius of this atrocity. It was filmed long before we find out that Luke and Leia are brother and sister, which is exactly what Donnie and Marie are! I wonder if this show gave Lucas the idea.

Randy

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39 chrismartindeed on Jun 23, 2009 at 5:38 am

Bill, Mike, Kevin, Conor….

PLEASE post a new entry!

I don’t want to open this blog every day and see THEM in an embedded YouTube video.

I’m afraid I’ll use my collection of vintage machetes to harm myself.

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40 Alex on Jun 23, 2009 at 8:21 am

Somehow, that video was exactly as I expected.

…on an unrelated note, Bill…a very special DVD comes out today. How much begging is it going to take from the fans for you guys to tackle Hobgoblins 2?

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Reply from Dave Lewis on June 23, 2009:
Oh my good Lord! Thanks (I think) for the heads-up on Hobgoblins 2. This sequel is more than a little belated, and I can’t help but notice that Road Rash doesn’t show up on the list of credits:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0962728/fullcredits#cast
41 clarimoto on Jun 23, 2009 at 4:29 pm

I only made it through that video with the vain hope that at any moment Carrie Fisher would come out and punch Marie Osmond in the face. I’m so disappointed for the lost opportunity.

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42 Steve R. on Jun 23, 2009 at 5:18 pm

I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANY LONGER!!! PLEASE POST SOMETHING NEW!!! I’m now on a mission to kill either Donny and Marie or Bill, whichever I run into first. Mr. Corbett, I’m coming for you!

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Reply from BEMaven on June 24, 2009:
Yes, for the love of God, change the topic!

Donnie and Marie are starting to burn into my screen.

(Steve R.— Whatever you decide, I’ve got your back, Bro.)
43 Fox Mulder on Jun 23, 2009 at 7:15 pm

Back in the day when ANYTHING Star Wars was eaten up, this must have been awesome.

Or maybe not.

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44 Margoo on Jun 23, 2009 at 10:25 pm

I’m going to assume that the guys left us with this extended waking nightmare to keep us placated while they work on something great.

So THAT’S why there hasn’t been a new post in days – the sheer awesomeness of the next riff is occupying all of their time.

I hope.

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45 Earl Fando on Jun 24, 2009 at 5:17 am

So many thoughts come to mind:

1. I haven’t seen dancing stormtroopers since ‘The Producers.’
2. Redd Foxx plays Obi Wan angry.
3. This would have had better special effects but they were taking it to Vegas the following week.
4. Yes, all the music was from the Up with People Star Wars revue.
5. I was impressed with the way Paul Lynde handled those showgirls.
6. How many people think Kris Kristofferson made out with Marie in the spaceship?
7. What’s with the high heels, Donny?

[Reply to this]
Reply from Earl Fando on June 24, 2009:
I left out the obvious: “It burns! It burns!”

Apologies.
46 Ariel on Jun 24, 2009 at 7:44 am

COMPLETELY off topic- But Lady GaGa has DONE IT AGAIN. And it’s even worse than the last two, if you can believe it.
It’s called lovegame.
“I wanna take a ride on your disco stick”

I was forced to listen to the song- my sister is twisted.
My poor brain is burned, so I thought I’d pass it on!

[Reply to this]
Reply from Earl Fando on June 24, 2009:
Is it just me or would Lady GaGa not know the difference between a disco stick and a skiffle rod?

Reply from Fantagor on June 24, 2009:
So you have a TWISTED SISTER? Is her name Dee Synder?

Randy

Reply from Stacia on June 25, 2009:
Ah, so that’s why I’ve been hearing references to “disco stick” for a week now. Unacceptable.
47 Jack the Autumn on Jun 24, 2009 at 8:50 pm

What the hell is wrong with you people?!?

I LOVED IT!
(Seriously I watched it twice)

The all-too-authentic smile on Kris’s face @ 3:34 tells me he was swigging that GREY GOOSE hard in the green room; pretape.

[Reply to this]
Reply from Jack the Autumn on June 24, 2009:
R2 sounds like he has bad gas or something though.
48 chrismartindeed on Jun 25, 2009 at 6:08 am

We have entered the sixth day of the Rifftrax blog stand-off, with no sign of capitulation by the Donnie-and-Marie-inspired terrorist faction that has seized control of the topic.

The faction has pointedly refused all forms of negotiation with the real world. Their only demand consists of a dramatic increase in bacon subsidies.

Tensions are high and there is talk of the authorities taking some form of preemptive action— such as cutting power to all of San Diego or streaming into Rifftrax the special Blu-Ray edition of ‘Speed Racer’.

When the blog will be released is still uncertain. After six days of captivity with the Osmonds and a group of hung-over celebrities from a bygone era, the hostage’s mental health is in question.

We will you posted as news develops.

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Reply from Erica on June 25, 2009:
This is rather like being in an elevator, staring at the doors, waiting infernally for them to open, isn’t it?
49 Fantagor on Jun 25, 2009 at 11:23 am

I think they are announcing the demise of this blog.

So it goes.

Randy

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50 Scarlett on Jun 25, 2009 at 3:08 pm

Even with no volume on as I watched, I desperately wanted R2 to do that oil/fire thing he did on Episode 3 or just a shock thing to end the mimed madness with extreme prejudice.

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51 bullwinkle on Jun 25, 2009 at 3:16 pm

no blogs? the jokers “twitter” like crazy.

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52 Steve R. on Jun 25, 2009 at 5:12 pm

wsyspowaftardsowcvsf

Oh I’m sorry. I was trying to type but I gouged my own eyes out after watching this insanity for the millionth time since there is nothing else on this blog!!! My friend is helping me type now, but now I can only hope my misfortune comes upon another. And this could only be done by CHANGING THE TOPIC!!!!!!!!!!!

Actually, I know why they are taking so long! It all makes sense! They enjoy our pain and the ensuing insanity and anarchy when they don’t update the topic for a little while! Thats it isn’t it?

[Reply to this]
Reply from Erica on June 25, 2009:
As if we’re part of… an experiment?

Reply from Roper on June 25, 2009:
Perhaps the riffclowns want us to experiance a fraction of the torture they’ve endured for our amusement.

Reply from Steve R. on June 26, 2009:
MST3K wasn’t a TV show! It was a warning! The not too distant future? It is now! We are experiencing the television show! WE are the show! Its like an episode of the Twilight Zone!

Reply from Erica on June 26, 2009:
Except in color! And no soundtrack!

Reply from Steve R. on June 27, 2009:
Our cries of pain and outrage are the soundtrack!
53 Dan Noutko-Kennedy on Jun 25, 2009 at 7:30 pm

Bill,

Your pernicious video cul-de-sac illustrates, a la Jean-Paul Sartre, that there is No Exit from the internet superhighway.

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54 pjwaldron on Jun 25, 2009 at 7:39 pm

“I have nothing to add,” read the last post. It’s a meta-message. It’s like when Captain Oates left the tent on Scott’s doomed Antarctic expedition, saying “I’m just going out, and I may be gone some time.”
They’re not coming back!

[Reply to this]
Reply from Erica on June 26, 2009:
But they wouldn’t leave us with Donny and Marie!

Reply from Lexie on June 28, 2009:
Erica, they are not kind masters.
55 Lexie on Jun 26, 2009 at 4:41 am

I can’t decide whether this or the Star Wars Holiday Special is worse. In other news, ABANDON ALL HOPE, ye who wish for the blog to change.

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56 GMaupin on Jun 26, 2009 at 6:50 am

This is not the only vision of performance-pain coasting downhill on the InterTubes:
questionable production photos…

http://inaproductionof.blogspot.com/

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57 Casey on Jun 27, 2009 at 9:57 am

… could the blog possibly be considered a hassle? maybe their on holiday?

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58 DohXs on Jun 27, 2009 at 3:10 pm

I’ve got a one and a six, other than that I have nothing to add either.

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59 DohXs on Jun 27, 2009 at 3:12 pm

Except to ask whats up with the four hour time difference on posting?

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Reply from pjwaldron on June 27, 2009:
Different from whose time?
60 Sparkys Girl on Jun 29, 2009 at 12:10 pm

I only made it until the start of the second song. Then I started feeling sick, having sweats and flashbacks. I remember vividly being tortured by this kind of entertainment as a kid in the 70’s. That and orange flowered pants. *shiver*

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61 Brian O. on Jun 30, 2009 at 11:05 pm

Unnngh! Why did people think variety shows were entertaining in the 70s? Sure, when I was a kid and didn’t know what entertainment was, I would watch anything if it was on a cathode ray tube, even the farm reports while waiting for Wonderama or whatnot to come on. But seriously, was everyone on valium or quaaludes in those days?

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62 Brian O. on Jul 21, 2009 at 11:21 pm

Okay, I take it back, there’s only one logical reason they did this: To make the Holiday Special look GOOD.

[Reply to this]

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I have nothing to add

June 19th, 2009 by Bill Corbett · 108 Comments

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