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Winter Sports Advisory

February 11th, 2010 by Kevin Murphy · 61 Comments

lindsey vonn 19f5ff210b737fe9 large
Okay, so you’re snowed in. You have so much snow in your driveway you’re thinking of putting it in the trunk, maybe stopping at your ma’s for some meatballs and gravy then dumping the snow somewhere upstate where it won’t be missed. You’re grumbling, you’re growling, feeling sorry for yourself.  Don’t lie, I see your twitters.
I say it’s time to take advantage of all the wonders winter has to offer, just like we do here in Minnesota. Hell, it’s not officially winter here until the first truck crashes through the ice.  Now before you say “I thought all you had were incredibly hot world-class lady skiers,” you should know that this not exactly true, we can’t all be Lindsey Vonn. Most of us can barely be George Wendt. But we do  tend to make the best of it, in fact we have so many wild and wonderful winter sports to choose from, there’s barely time for drinking!  So put your boots on and follow me!

Ski Joring in Leadville  Colorado   photo by Kaila Ange

SKIJORING
Pronounced “skee-YOR-ing,” or by a select few “She-Whoring.”  You should know we do this all the time in Minnesota, in fact on weekends the city streets are packed with horses wildly cantering while avid skijorers fly off the roofs of parked cars  and bus stops.  It’s a sport for anyone with a pair of skis and a horse, or a couple of dogs, or maybe in a pinch several cats. You might be able to pull this off with a well-organized train of highly motivated guinea pigs, and if you are please let us know and we’ll post your picture.

kite skiing getting air bdr

KITE-SKIING
Pronounced just as it sounds, this ultra-current sport replaces draft animals with a very large kite, the kind you might use to pop over waves in Australia, or perhaps drown under in Cancun. It’s not an easy sport, requiring a lot of skill and strangth, so think twice before casually “dabbling” in this or any sport that can cause your arms to rip out of their sockets.

snowbike

WINTER CYCLING
If you enjoy looking like an ass, just put on all the clothes you own, wedge some very expensive studded knobby tires on your bicycle and get out there in traffic. Here in Minnesota we all know folks who resolutely endanger themselves and others on our increasingly slippery and narrow snow-bound streets, adamantly refusing to drive or even take the bus in any weather, opting to pretend they’re having fun as gallons of salty slush assault their backsides and their faces, all the while chanting their desperate mantra “this is good for the environment.” But they are not having fun, they are some of the planet’s most wretched creatures.  For me the comforting thought is that these are the same people who in the summer wear bright, heavily branded tights so thin and taut, every wrinkly detail of their genitalia is not only on display, but enhanced.

KOHP Trays 2

TRAYING
A close cousin of tubing, traying has been practiced on college campuses in northern climes for decades. The equipment is simple: a snowy hill and a cafeteria tray, and since the trayer is already essentially sliding downhill ass-first, there’s little risk of injury. And there’s that special pride in knowing that the next day, the tray which now holds your classmate’s pancakes just hours before held your own butt cheeks.

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SKITCHING
If you’re stupid, you’re probably familiar with the nefarious act of skitching, which involves grabbing on to the back of a car on a snowy, icy street and skidding along on your feet as the car careens on, barely in control and without knowing that you’re back there. We cannot endorse this, primarily because it’s exceedingly dangerous, but also because it’s the kind of winter thing fans of Steve-O might engage in. It’s a good bet that anyone who routinely skitches also owns a Jagermeister six-bottle shot cooler and is fond of saying “whoo” as loudly as he can, indoors. So if you must skitch, we suggest you grab the back fender of the nearest winter cyclist and go for a ride. Remember to yell “whoo.”

ice fishing

ICE FISHING
Speaking of drinking, there’s perhaps no sport that for most people defines the Upper Midwest better than ice fishing. We need to broaden the definition of the word “sport” to include “sitting on your ass all day and leafing through the SI Swimsuit Edition,” but in fact it’s one of the few winter activities that can provide food.

how to draw elmer fudd

SHOOTING AT THINGS
I’ve never quite understood the Winter Biathlon Olympic event, which combines cross-country skiing and shooting, and appears to wring the fun out of both. Minnesotans prefer to venture out into the deep woods in a Carhartt coverall and blast God’s creatures to pieces. There’s a season for every conceivable wild animal here short of rats, so grab your shotgun and leave your girly little skis at home.
There.  Now take ‘n’ get out there while the gettin’s good, you D.C. dwellers, you shivering Mid-Atlanticans. It won’t be long until the summer humidity causes your shirt to adhere to your back, and you’ll be looking back to this time saying “why didn’t I go skijoring when I had the chance?”

truck ice fishing

Tags: Events · In the Media · RiffTrax · Trends

61 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Jamie on Feb 11, 2010 at 10:17 am

    Helpful and most educational…. P.S. Is that old man with the stick a master “skitcher”?

  • 2 Ninjew on Feb 11, 2010 at 10:32 am

    And the most effective way to win a downhill ski race – be pursued by a kid on his bike who demands his “Two Dollars!!”

  • 3 dactribble on Feb 11, 2010 at 10:36 am

    Now I understand why you didn’t mention hockey, because of the truck being in the way.

  • 4 James Shearhart on Feb 11, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    You forgot the old sensible winter pastime of experimentation with hard alcohol and warm mixers whilst watching videos of extreme skiing faceplants….

  • 5 Sampo on Feb 11, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    My favorite is the biathlon, a “sport” you can only win if you are a serial killer named Klaus or Yuri.

  • 6 Libby on Feb 11, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    Ohhh this takes my back… to last year when I was in my last year of college in Minnesota. Between that experience and living in Cleveland all my life, I’ve kind of become desensitized to the snow. Heck, we had snow on April 24th once!

    But yes, traying was very popular at my college – unfortunately for us we had really crappy plastic trays that broke after one trip down the hill. Fortunately, one of my friends had the fun idea to bring his plastic-coated college-issued mattress out and sled on that one night. Fun times.

    I’ve missed the blog entries! I’ve been watching a lot of MSTs lately (just watched Starfighters yesterday, actually) and wanting a dose of Rifftrax hilarity. :)

  • 7 MonkeyCheezPants on Feb 11, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    YAY! The blog is back!

  • 8 Remmie Barrow on Feb 11, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    Hey guys, you forgot the most favorite winter past time, sticking your tongue on a frozen metal pole. I triple dog dare ya!!!

  • 9 Timm on Feb 11, 2010 at 6:39 pm

    Skitch Henderson. Skitching. Get it?!

  • 10 Timm on Feb 11, 2010 at 6:40 pm

    Skitch was a Minnesota native.

  • 11 MikeH on Feb 13, 2010 at 10:58 am

    Except for biking in the snow, you described Maine winter events too. Except with ice fishing you bring your Allen’s coffee brandy. Also snowmobiling after drinking.

  • 12 Y I Slash on Feb 13, 2010 at 4:12 pm

    In Grand Lake, they have a winter carnival that features teapot curling. Yes, curling…with teapots.

  • 13 jfe on Feb 15, 2010 at 4:44 pm

    Um do you really need a Lab for ice fishing?

  • 14 Lisa M on Feb 15, 2010 at 9:04 pm

    IT LIVES!!!

    Good to see this blog back in action. I was culling my “favorites” list and actually had my finger poised above “delete.” I’ll check back again in two months. :)

  • 15 Casey on Feb 18, 2010 at 10:24 am

    Huzzah for Cold!
    Huzzah for snow!
    Huzzah for flat smooth surfaces on the bottoms of various things!

    Huzzah for no replay buttons after comments!

  • 16 Casey on Feb 18, 2010 at 10:25 am

    *reply

    Huzzah for no (edit post) option!!

  • 17 Dennis L on Feb 18, 2010 at 3:57 pm

    “SKIJORING” sounds like something we do in Sweden, except we have moved past the more traditional steed-pulling method to a modern version with Yamaha scooter’s. The result? Less manure and more broken bones!

    Fun read!

  • 18 Kyle A on Feb 18, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    Iv got a fun winter activity with only three steps!

    step 1: use sand paper to remove the tred off the sole of your shoe

    step 2: Acquire a snow mobile and tie a rope to the back of it

    step 3: find a nice snow/ice coverd road and have fun!

    …i am not responsible for those killed, mutilated, or burned trying to do this activity…

  • 19 BEMaven on Feb 20, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Please clarify that last cryptic photo in your entry.

    Did someone lazy fellow partially submerge his ride so he could fish from the comfort of the driver’s seat ?

    Or did some lucky fisherman hook a whooping four-wheeler on his line?

  • 20 karen on Feb 20, 2010 at 10:30 pm

    how about we call it the “borlimpics?” b/c that is what it is. I have cable now and I would rather watch twilight than see some sport things.

  • 21 Jason on Feb 21, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    So, is there much in the way of work. That looks like a nice place to live. Sweltering through a humid horrible summer down here in Sydney.

  • 22 Wook on Feb 22, 2010 at 11:07 am

    Lindsey Vonn’s speaking voice keeps getting caught by my brain’s Sarah Palin filter. Thus far it’s a happy accident, but if Lindsey ever tries to warn me that, say, Timmy’s trapped in the abandoned mine shaft, well, it’s just a prototype, really.

  • 23 Eric Jones on Mar 6, 2010 at 10:43 pm

    I actually tried my hand at freezing to death when I lived in Wisconsin last year. That was at least as fun as skijoring must be, if not quite so dangerous. I lost only two appendages, not nearly as much as the winner lost.

  • 24 bullwinkle on Mar 8, 2010 at 9:02 pm

    Damn you twitter! Kobayashi Maru!

  • 25 anita foster on Mar 9, 2010 at 11:10 pm

    You should try the new sport “Hurling”. You take a sufficiently inebriated college pledge, have him sit on an icy sidewalk and spin him around 10 times. Then slowly push him forward and see how far he can slide before he loses his goldfish laced liquid diet.

  • 26 Wook on Mar 10, 2010 at 6:11 am

    Pretty sure that making your friends barf is considered hazing nowadays, which is prosecutable. First they came for Jarts and Creeple People, then they came for drunk tricks…

  • 27 Casey on Mar 18, 2010 at 8:24 am

    I dreamed last night this was updated with a post written by Bill.. it was about whales.

  • 28 Wook on Mar 19, 2010 at 8:54 am

    I say we just go ahead and assume that actually happened. Might as well hijack their blog, they’re not using it.

    I think that Bill is dead wrong about whales, and that what he’s proposing is preposterous.

  • 29 Steve R. on Mar 20, 2010 at 4:57 am

    No I actually believe Bill on this one. Where is your proof that what he says was false?

  • 30 Wook on Mar 22, 2010 at 10:32 am

    It is just as true that Bill must be correct only because his wild harebrained claim about whales has not been proven false as it is that he is incorrect because his assertion has not been proven true. This is argumentum ad ignorantiam, and I’m sorry but Bill is not Caesar. Bill is The Walrus, which might explain why he’s got an axe to grind with the whales. Madness!

  • 31 Steve R. on Mar 22, 2010 at 5:45 pm

    Goo Goo G’joob, sir. Goo Goo G’joob.

  • 32 Casey on Mar 23, 2010 at 7:27 am

    “..Bill is not Caesar.”

    This is an absolute fact. I believe we have already established that Bill is a different sort of maniacal dictator.

    For a moment what he said about whales made me feel differently.. but that was a dream.

  • 33 Wook on Mar 24, 2010 at 7:50 am

    “.. but that was a dream.”

    You sound pretty sure. Maybe Bill is Carly Fiorina?

  • 34 Casey on Mar 24, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    “You sound pretty sure. Maybe Bill is Carly Fiorina?”

    I am pretty sure Carly Fiorna is NOT a maniacal dictator. Again, it has been established that Bill IS.

    IT is pretty admirable that people haven’t taken it upon themselves to hijack the blog. It really shows the sort of agreeable people who are keen on Rifftrax… either that or there are no more people even loading up this page.

  • 35 Steve R. on Mar 24, 2010 at 4:14 pm

    I’m still holding onto the dream

  • 36 Wook on Mar 25, 2010 at 7:13 am

    “I am pretty sure Carly Fiorna is NOT a maniacal dictator.”

    Then I’m CERTAIN that we’re not talking about the same Carly Fiorina. Iron fist, fear and recrimination, power pants suits, sounds just like Bill.

  • 37 Casey on Mar 25, 2010 at 11:51 am

    I have yet to see Bill in a pants suit… the other characteristics are awful similar.

    “I’m still holding onto the dream”

    You do that Steve! I wish you all could have seen it… started with a short sentence… followed by a picture of a whale… followed by a lot of lovely text. It… it brings tears to my eyes to recall…. it is soo vivid.

  • 38 Earl Fando on Mar 26, 2010 at 9:23 pm

    I’m a big proponent of traying, having done it exactly once. However, my tray slid away from me and into a local sewer opening. I would have gone after it but, you know, giant alligators and radioactive mutant turtles and stuff.

  • 39 Steve R. on Mar 27, 2010 at 4:33 pm

    Those mutant turtles and giant alligators get me everytime. What was the boy thinking when he said “I like turtles”? They are godless killing machines non-mutant, but when they are radioactive…dear God, I don’t even want to think about it…

  • 40 Casey on Mar 28, 2010 at 6:26 pm

    Giant alligators and mutant turtles are SOOO not whales… *cries*

  • 41 bullwinkle on Mar 28, 2010 at 7:31 pm

    So it’s finally happened. Years of mst3k and rifftrax has made the gang so ADD that they can only twitter, not sit down and write what used to be a funny and enjoyable blog.

  • 42 Wook on Mar 29, 2010 at 7:04 am

    Aw c’mon Steve. Gamera is a friend to all children. At least that’s what we learned at Tarkus Brainlab IV.

  • 43 Casey on Mar 29, 2010 at 5:26 pm

    Soon there will be something called “squeaking” that limits you to 10 characters.. then they will be spending the day saying things like “I luv fud!”… the Tweeters will be pissed.

  • 44 bullwinkle on Mar 29, 2010 at 5:51 pm

    and when “pipping” takes hold, squeaking will be like a novella.

  • 45 Wook on Mar 30, 2010 at 5:08 am

    Narf!

  • 46 Casey on Mar 30, 2010 at 7:55 am

    ilikebcn

  • 47 Steve R. on Mar 31, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    bcngood

  • 48 Casey on Apr 3, 2010 at 3:15 am

    It’s happened. Reading this blog is now like reading The Far Side or Calvin and Hobbes. You read it and it’s a wonderful experience that quickly turns tragic as you realize that there will be no more.

  • 49 Steve R. on Apr 3, 2010 at 6:12 pm

    At least its not Gafield…

  • 50 bullwinkle on Apr 12, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mR2nM4-ki5A

  • 51 Casey on Apr 16, 2010 at 6:03 am

    Is my life soo dull? Why do I keep dreaming that this blog gets revived?

  • 52 workout p90x cheapest on Nov 5, 2010 at 12:14 am

    Such a good idea – definitely should be a regular thing !

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  • 54 Wednesday Blogdome: Attention, Winter Olympics Organizing Committee | Off the Bench on May 4, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    [...] Pronounced “skee-YOR-ing,” or by a select few “She-Whoring.” You should know we do this all the time in Minnesota, in fact on weekends the city streets are packed with horses wildly cantering while avid skijorers fly off the roofs of parked cars and bus stops. It’s a sport for anyone with a pair of skis and a horse, or a couple of dogs, or maybe in a pinch several cats. You might be able to pull this off with a well-organized train of highly motivated guinea pigs, and if you are please let us know and we’ll post your picture. [Rifftrax Blog] [...]

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