It’s mercurial, this internets of ours, unpredictable and volatile.  The tubes get clogged, people wail and weep, but the sun rises and sets and the local bakery still has crullers on special.  Here at Rifftrax we’ve had the hard crashes that come from being swamped with attention.  It’s not fun, but it’s oddly comforting  to know that we’re not the only ones.

So here’s a suggestion: Today, use the time you’d normally waste on Twitter here.  Maybe download and enjoy one of our shorts.  Or order tickets to our August 20th nationwide live show in theaters everywhere.  Drop in on the forum and discuss movies, social networking, breakfast meats, whatever strikes your fancy.  Then maybe take a walk.  it’s a nice day here; if you have rain, bring an umbrella, or get a little wet.  You could even head down to the local bakery and get yourself a cruller.

Why hell, you could have a nice conversation!  For instance: This is what we in the Midwest call a cruller, particularly in Wisconsin:

Whereas many of you in other parts of the country call this a cruller:

We call that a French donut, which makes it no less delicious.  There, see?  we’re having a conversation, learning about each other without any social networking. In fact, why don’t you folks give us and each other some ideas on what to do when your favorite social networking service is offline.  And enjoy a potentially Twit-free day.

-kwm

These items are “frequently” bought together?  Really?  A box of 14 six-packs of Cinnamon Dunkaroos with Vanilla frosting and sprinkles, a variety pack of 24 Dunkaroos (you’d have to imagine half Cinnamon/Vanilla & Sprinkles, half Honey/Chocolate) and a four pack of 14.2 ounce boxes of Rice Krispie Treats cereal?

Now, not for a moment do I doubt that the discerning Dunkaroos eaters out there would also be interested in eating Rice Krispie Treats cereal.  But let’s break this down just a little bit.

Let’s speculate as to how many people have used amazon.com to purchase Dunkaroos.  I think it would be fair to say that we would all be shocked if more than 1000 people had done this at some point in time in their lives.  And how many of these people look at their box of 84 packs of Cinnamon Graham with Vanilla Frosting and Sprinkles Dunkaroos and think, “I’d like another flavor.  Now, I know I already have a lot of Cinnamon Graham with Vanilla Frosting and Sprinkles Dunkaroos, but I really want Honey Graham with Chocolate Frosting Dunkaroos, and frankly, if I have to buy 12 more packs of Cinnamon Graham with Vanilla Frosting and Sprinkles to get them, so be it.”

Again, you would be floored, utterly astounded if a quarter of the dunkaroos purchasers, 250 people, had ever done this.

And THEN, how many of those 250 people think that the perfect way to cap off this order would be four boxes of Rice Krispy Treats Cereal? Three? You’d eat your hat if there were three.

You and I know full well that this has never happened. It would be a miracle.  And yet, Amazon claims it happens “Frequently”.

Which either means one of two things: that the Amazon robots are just upselling random combinations of crap and hoping we won’t notice, or that humanity as a whole is quite different than I have spent my entire life believing.  And, I’m sad to say, I’m leaning towards option B.

No, it’s not a clever photoshop job. Combos, the favorite snack food of people who could truly not care less what you think about them, have branched out into the world of breakfast flavors. If every time you eat a breakfast sandwich, you think to yourself, “This is delicious, but I’d like it to taste more like what I imagine the food the astronauts eat tastes like”, then Bacon, Egg & Cheese combos are for you!

Combos.com is not currently acknowledging this flavor as existing, nor is it acknowledging the other new flavor, “Cheeseburger” (seriously.) They also, in defiance of all logic, still do not have a “combo” pack of flavors. Of course, you can buy more than one bag of combos and mix them together on your own, but in this day and age, a day and age where somehow the above product actually made it to the marketplace, this is not something we should have to be doing on our own.

It started as a lark, a curiosity really; last Saturday morning when I was preparing to cook some lovely bacon, our pup Boomer began barking furiously as he does when he spots a squirrel or a guy from Clean Water Action. But the moment got more curious when my spouse Jane called from the other end of the house, “Kevin, is that a bear?!” I ran to see what the hell she was referring to, but too late. Ever on the ball, though, Jane managed to snap a picture of the event:

It would not be uncommon to spot a bear in this neck of the woods, though very rare, especially one so mangy-looking and shy. But now here’s the odd part: When I returned to the kitchen, the bacon I was preparing to cook was gone. I assumed I’d misplaced it, because I’m always misplacing bacon, putting it in my coat pocket or folding it into my wallet for later, then forgetting. But this was special bacon, the excellent Theilen bacon made up Pierz way, the stuff that I couldn’t find after one of Martha Stewart’s assistants declared it delicious. I wouldn’t misplace Theilen bacon, it’s too thick to fit in the wallet. It was gone.

Then this morning, I read Bill’s disturbing post. A chill went up my neck and I raced for the phone. No answer at the Corbetts. He’d told me he was spending the week back east with family, but I had my doubts. The the final item hit me like a pork quarter tossed at me by a hog-cutter: A news bulletin about Paul Prudhomme, master Cajun chef and inveterate bacon lover, who was shot. Shot with a.22 slug from a gun never found. Shot, allegedly, while cooking bacon.

Chef Paul was merely grazed, thank God, but suddenly it all came together, like the strands of fat as they entwine with the rich belly meat in my purloined Theilen’s. I still can’t bring myself to say it. I still don’t know what to do. I take solace in my only remaining box of maple-bacon lollipops.

Pray for our friend Bill, please. Bring him back to us, and to bacon. I urge children and dogs everywhere to bend a knee.

Found at a local sushi establishment. Of course it’s hilarious whenever the primary ingredient of a menu item is mispelled, but for it to be misspelled twice in the same product description in very unique ways, that is truly an accomplishment. This is of course for the Baked Labster Dyna Roll, which is comprised of Cali roll, baby robster, Red onions, crab, dynamite sauce on a bake roll. So for any of you with friends named Robert who go by frat-boy guy nicknames or who perhaps spend too much time resarching things in a room with test tubes, tell them that they now have their own roll.

(click thumbnail for full image)

Lutefisk – A Swedish dish that’s like jellied cod covered in some hideous cream sauce. Slides down like drinking out of a spittoon. Eaten as a Swedish rite of passage in Minnesota.

Penoy – Fertilized Duck egg. Eaten by former RiffTrax graphic artist JP on family holidays.

Rocky Mountain Oysters – Testicles, (the animal varies), pounded flat and deep fried.

*UPDATE BY MIKE*

1000 year-old egg, anyone?

The yolks are liquid? They smell like ammonia? No?

You sure?