It’s mercurial, this internets of ours, unpredictable and volatile.  The tubes get clogged, people wail and weep, but the sun rises and sets and the local bakery still has crullers on special.  Here at Rifftrax we’ve had the hard crashes that come from being swamped with attention.  It’s not fun, but it’s oddly comforting  to know that we’re not the only ones.

So here’s a suggestion: Today, use the time you’d normally waste on Twitter here.  Maybe download and enjoy one of our shorts.  Or order tickets to our August 20th nationwide live show in theaters everywhere.  Drop in on the forum and discuss movies, social networking, breakfast meats, whatever strikes your fancy.  Then maybe take a walk.  it’s a nice day here; if you have rain, bring an umbrella, or get a little wet.  You could even head down to the local bakery and get yourself a cruller.

Why hell, you could have a nice conversation!  For instance: This is what we in the Midwest call a cruller, particularly in Wisconsin:

Whereas many of you in other parts of the country call this a cruller:

We call that a French donut, which makes it no less delicious.  There, see?  we’re having a conversation, learning about each other without any social networking. In fact, why don’t you folks give us and each other some ideas on what to do when your favorite social networking service is offline.  And enjoy a potentially Twit-free day.

-kwm

Here’s a sample of what occured behind the scenes.  I believe Paul might have suffered a hernia.

(The apparent anomaly occurring around Walk Hard is commonly explained by the Meadows Effect hypothesis, which argues that any movie featuring Tim Meadows will see a significant across-the-board downturn in quality and performance.)

However, recent developments in Rogenomic theory are predicting a gradual realignment and possible convergence of LRI’s which will have a powerful impact on the future of filmed entertainment. Take a look at this corollary to the Hornet Theorem:

Not to suggest that Seth Rogen will reverse in age or height; keep in mind that this progression moves in both directions. This is accepted to indicate that if conditions persist, one of several outcomes are possible: Seth Rogen will become Jonah Hill; Jonah Hill will become Seth Rogen; or the two will merge in a sort of Superseth Convergence, the outcome of which is wildly unstable and possibly dangerous. However, the supposition that existing conditions will persist is called into question by the following probability:

This of course follows the Sizemorean Curve and applies the Nolte Rule, both of which create unknowns in typical outcomes and increase the standard deviation.  Yet in fact, real-world proof, both of progression and probability, has been observed in the field:

This trend, while neither inevitable nor irreversable, tends to support the general principle that schlubs will always move toward a state of inertia. Next time we will discuss the declining influence of Sandlerian Rogenomics and the surprising accuracy of the Rule of Sequels.

Mr. Goldman needs a primer in Rogenomics.

Simply stated, Rogenomics serves to express the apparent vicissitudes of Hollywood as a function of the interaction of certain foundational elements including and in relation to, but not limited to, Seth Rogen. These elements, interacting with – and sometimes against – each other, are subtle yet universal forces, which taken as a whole embody a system for explaining succinctly why a film as seemingly worthless as, say, Superbad is actually the monolithic model of the future. Let’s explain it in simple Rogenomic terms. First principles:

Essentially, that Seth Rogen is Money; as a medium of exchange and a storehouse of value, the two are interchangeable. This is the most fundamental statement of pure Rogenomics. But before we scrap the Federal Reserve and convert to a Rogen Standard, you should know that many consider Pure Rogenomics to be dangerously oversimplified; to that end I’m a student of the Aptovian School, based on this constant:

In which x equals anything Judd Apatow touches, not limited to the inclusion of, nor diminished by the absence of, Seth Rogen. Perhaps it’s an oversimplification, but the Apatovian School (and its Sandlerian and Ferrellian counterparts) would dispute the truth of “Rogen equals Money,” without Apatow, especially over time, expressed thusly:

Within the Aptovian Rogenomic discipline, then, we can confidently use these elements to predict the future. Take for example the upcoming movie The Green Hornet, in which Seth Rogen is playing the shadowy limo-riding superhero. For this role, Rogen has slimmed down, muscled up and attempted to shed his elemental schlubness – patently self-contradictory, and about as likely as water shedding its “hydrogen-ness.” Here’s what happens when we formulate these components as a statement of Rogenomics:

Absent schlubness and Apatovity, Seth will always become Robert Wuhl; therefore the movie is doomed to failure. However, put Seth back on the lard-and-donut diet, and hire on Judd Apatow, and it projects like this:

Perhaps the Green Hornet is a belching, hapless cowardly pervert, without a single virtue, yet who is allowed to French-kiss the likes of Jessica Alba. Perhaps he’s a late-stage wino who staggers around town in his underpants. He could be a skin-popping mass murderer who dresses in Nazi drag and sings Charles Manson’s folk songs – the point is that it doesn’t matter. This solution will produce consistently positive results every time; the rest is just window dressing.

Next time we’ll discuss the exciting new developments in Rogenomics, particularly the introduction of Jonah Hill as a null integer, a Rogenomic cypher if you will, able to occupy a place in any equation without affecting the outcome. In the meantime, a quick look at the simple non-Apatovian exception that earned Rogenomics the attention of the Nobel Committee:

It’s going about as well as expected.  Since the website lauched in the beginning of February, the clicks have poured in, netting me a cold hard, $7.55 (more than a dollar per month!)  The man himself linked to it on his youtube page, calling it “his official website”, not stopping to question: A) how this website sprung up to catalogue his videos or B) who on earth would create such a site.  Sending him messages on youtube received no response.

Traffic hit an all time high last Wednesday, with the announcement that Pruane2 was finally getting braces. 185 people flocked to the site. Come and see me in March 2009 people.  Drinks will be on me and my $100 check.

I’m delighted to have been present for the birth of a new internet meme, the whimsical Montauk Monster. This little guy is so easy to Photoshop, and soon he’ll infect the current news cycle with his pointlessness. it was mere hours before Christopher Price sent up this Garfield minus Garfield Plus Monster . What’s next?

The above illustration is meant to get you folks started. So go forth, people! Find! Create! Point to! Let’s give this little guy the web-wide celebrity he deserves!

**Conor Adds**

They’ve changed it already, but earlier today Senator Robert Byrd’s homepage looked quite different…

**One More**