As I’m sure many of you often do, I was browsing the wikipedia entry for my high school today.  Probably about four years ago, my friend Greg Harrell-Edge and I decided to exploit this new Wikipedia thing and add ourselves to the “notable alumni” section.  (Note: The section includes the screenwriter of Ben Affleck’s “Reindeer Games” and the kid that George Allen referred to as “Macaca.”)  To keep it free of bias, I added Greg, who had recently been deemed “The Laziest Man in America” by Jimmy Kimmel Live, and he added me, as “The Creator of National High Five Day.”  I believe the goal was to see who would be removed first by the svelte, tanned wikipedia gatekeepers, therein sealing forever the others claim as the “more notable.”

We had a good run of several years on the list, but looking at it today, I noticed we were gone.  The talk page confirms that this deletion too place over a year ago, when my newest enemy Vamoom so eloquently stated:

This section is, in my opinion, full of not-so-notable alumni. Anyone can become notable for whatever reason. The notable alumni section should highlight the strengths of the school in academics and related areas. For example, neither Greg Harrell-Edge (deemed the “Laziest Man In America” by the TV show Jimmy Kimmel Live) nor Conor Lastowka (founder of National High Five Day) should be there. Neither is well heard of and neither has a significant accomplishment. I am sure there are others, but these are just examples. 

Rarely does one have his notability questioned in such a damning manner.  At a time like this, one has two options: A.)  Tuck your tail between your legs and retreat from the public eye.  Or B.)  Launch a high profile campaign to affirm my notability so I get back on the list and Greg doesn’t.  Any canon law experts with experience navigating the the minutiae of Wikipedia rules and regulations is welcome to assist my cause on the Discussion page.

With the world abuzz about the direct to video Star Wars movie coming out this weekend, I thought it appropriate to pay a visit to wookiepedia and research minutae about Star Wars.  It turns out that all of the queens handmaidens have names, even though they don’t matter and you don’t care.  Here is the complete list, anything stand out?

Cordé
Dormé
Eirtaé
Ellé
Moteé
Rabé
Sabé
Saché
Versé
Yané
Brianna
Dané

Yes, Brianna, the “and the rest” of the Queen’s handmaidens.  Not issued an accented ‘e’ at birth, she was doomed to a failed life. This quote from the Handmaiden Sisters of Atris* speaks volumes:

“She has always brought shame upon us. In terms of combat, she is the least among us. Her stance always had too much passion about it.”

So to sum up:

-Her combat = brings shame.
-Her stance = too passionate.
-Her name = jarring when reciting the whole list of Queen’s handmaidens, (aka the “Doc” effect).

Brianna – She’s the total package!

*I have no idea what this is

After double checking with family members back East who checked their front page and confirmed that yes, there was still an election, a war and an American Idol competition taking place, I sat down to read the article. Amidst the repeated spit takes, I learned that the Padres have raised the price of beer every year for the past four years, that a 16 ounce bottle of Stone Pale Ale will cost 9 dollars, (six pack price approx. 8 dollars), and that a 20 ounce draft of The King of Beers will set you back $8.50.

Petco Park Beer Prices

Several fans are interviewed, with the main sentiment being “Sure it’s a lot of money, but it’s a ballpark tradition to have a beer!” The sound you hear as you read that is that of baseball owners rubbing their greasy hands together and muttering, “Yes…that’s exactly what we want you to think!” To further emphasize how drastically out of whack the prices are, they interview a bartender at Stingaree, a trendy club a few blocks away.

Pictured above are actual Stingaree patrons. Yeah, you get the idea. These ladies are paying less for a beer than you are at the ballpark. Allow me to emphasize: They are getting a better deal than you. How does that feel? On the other hand, they make up for it by having their boyfriend buy them 300 dollar “bottle service” vodka. But at least with that you get free mixers!

“So what Conor,” you are no doubt saying. “I’ll just go to a baseball game and not have a beer!” Unfortunately, this is impossible, and in some states, illegal. Alcohol was recently banned on San Diego beaches, and as a result, the number of games played of Bocce Ball, Horseshoes and Cornhole have plummeted to trace levels. Tattooed guys now wander the beaches, looking for something to throw in proximity to a target. They just aren’t as fun without beer, and the same applies to baseball. If you don’t want to end so desperate for a beer that you eat the dirt under the bleachers like Homer Simpson, here are some options for how to deal with the egregious beer prices at Petco Park

1. Neighborhood – A two for one happy hour on all local beers from 4-7, M-F. Located a few blocks from the ballpark. “Local beers?” you might scoff. “I heard that San Diego only had FIVE of the top SIX breweries in America, according to Beer Advocate Magazine!” Yes, this is our failing, and a deep shame, one we must deal with it on a daily basis. Get your beers here before their price increases by 400% inside the ball park and your selection is drastically limited!

Some of San Diego’s finest, half price at Neighborhood

2. Nalgene bottles – The colored plastic one. You’re allowed to bring your own water bottles in, and damned if everything doesn’t look like water inside a green or red Nalgene. The perfect crime!

3. Your pockets – Men have the ability to wear baggy pants with objects of all shapes and sizes bulging out of the pockets and waltz thru the security line, whereas women are forced to open up a purse the size of an Altoids tin for inspection. Put this discrimination to good use! I have friends who have the ability to conceal an entire six pack on their person on the way into the ball park. Some of the beers come thru warmer than others, but who cares! It’s free!

I’m sure that baseball fans in other cities have their own methods for avoiding the gouging, so let’s hear them in the comments!

Typical Conor Reaction When Told You Can’t Get Deli Mustard On A Wig

When we first moved to San Diego, it was a no brainer for my girlfriend Lauren and I to pick a place to live: Pacific Beach. With an average of 17 restaurants/bars on every block, affordable rent, gorgeous weather and the almighty omnipresent BEACH, how could you go wrong?

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Our Apartment For The Past Three Years (Note Proximity To Beach)

PB has its detractors, namely the rest of San Diego. This is because if you wanted to find representative photos of the typical PB dweller, you could consult the Google Image search results for “dudes“, “douchebag“, or “girls gone wild“. I found myself defending the neighborhood over the course of my stay there, albeit with less and less fervor as time went by. I gradually came to realize that living in Pacific Beach is like dating a hot, crazy girl. It’s great at first. You get to trot her out in front of all your friends. They’re wowed at the beauty and luxury that you have managed to obtain. But when your friends go home, you are the one dealing with her psychosis on a daily basis. You’re the one that has to convince her that ripping out “that ho’s” hair extensions because she made eye contact with her from across the bar is not a good idea, just as in PB you’re the one dealing with some dude who calls you “bra” while he drunkenly explains to you why he’s simultaneously peeing and puking in your yard.

Pacific Beach, When It Assumes The Form Of A “Human”

But for better or for worse, Pacific Beach was our home for four years. And for every time the girl across the street snorted an unidentified substance off her desk with her french doors open while we served my onlooking parents and extended family dinner on our patio, there were an equal number of days spent floating on waves or lying on the sand, knowing that life was good. So as we cleaned our house for the final time last Friday, I grew a bit sentimental. Our tiny apartment was the basis of many a great memory, and I wasn’t sure if I was prepared to leave them all behind. All the music we had listened to, all the meals shared with friends, all the fires we gathered around on the patio, all the spontaneous runs to Ralphs, would soon be left behind for the great unknown of our new house in North Park. As the clock struck 10 PM and a seven hour cleaning process was winding down, I stood on the dark, empty patio and wondered if we had made the right decision.

At that precise moment, an SUV drove by, going double the speed limit and a girl leaned out the window and without a hint of irony or self awareness shrieked out “WOOOOOOOOO SPRING BREAK!!!!”

Well, I thought. Time to go home.