It’s sad that my kids will never know the innocent joy of playing WWII Japanese suicide bomber.

Please, ignore his figure skating costume, and his hair-helmet… this video is from the unforgiving 1980s. Just tell me — is he greatness, or is he just a madman? And I beg of you, don’t answer until you’re reached at least 01:38.

Two footnotes:

1) This man is known more for his skills as a drummer.

2) He is singing in an invented language called Kobaïan.

What think ye?

And true to our spirit here at Rifftrax, the only fitting salute to this legendary film is to include this palindromic parody by another legend, and guest Riffer, Weird Al Yankovic.

**UPDATE BY CONOR**

Sure, it’s a promotional gimmick for a shoddy hits compilation, and embedding seems not to work, but it’s still awesome. You can make your own card dropping video here, here’s mine.

Died ten years ago today. As a singer, I feel I have some measly credential to say that he had a hell of a voice. I can’t vouch for whether he was a nice guy or a jerk, I never met the man. But I can tell you that a lot of horn players wished they could play like he sang. Certainly nobody can sing like he did.

Here’s what I mean, and I’m not going to link any YouTube crap here, no mp3’s. Not near good enough. Find a clean LP copy of “In the Wee Small Hours” and play it on a good system in a comfortable room. Preferably in the evening after bar time. Listen to the whole thing. No other distractions - no cell phone, no computer, maybe a single light. Pour a little Scotch. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em. Then you tell me: could the man sing, or could he.

Allow me to introduce myself. I’m actor/vegetable Nick Notcolli. I invite you to eat me. Remember, I’m part of your healthy diet, which consists entirely of you eating me. I hope you have a big appetite.

**

BILL adds: Bravo, Kevin. Your beer has been well and truly earned. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going off to scream for a while, followed by some throwing up… then another hour or two of light screaming.

Press Secretary: We’re going to keep this brief, it’s been a busy first day for the president

Press Corp: What was the legislation that the president passed today?

The president was eager to accomplish something on his first day in office. Today he signed a bill which states “If you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have any pudding.”

Why was this a priority for the president?

He’s always believed in this philosophy. You’ll recall that it was pretty much the only thing he talked about on the campaign trail.

So, what you’re saying is, it is now illegal to eat pudding…if you haven’t eaten your meat…

That’s correct Helen. How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat?

Well, we used to just… have some pudding, but now you just passed a law saying that we can’t.

That’s right. If you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have any pudding. I feel like I’m repeating myself.

Is eating meat the priority for the president, or is the regulation of pudding more his concern?

For the president, the two have always gone hand in hand.

Why meat? Why not vegetables, that seems to be the traditional thing you’re required to eat before you’re allowed desert…

The president feels that he’s earned some political capital in the election. Tradition, the “old guard”, so to speak…That’s not what the voters said they want.

When the president says “If you don’t eat your meat…” It seems like that could just mean a small bite of my meat, there’s nothing in that statement about “cleaning my plate” of meat, so to speak.

Those types of issues were hammered out in committees, and I’ll say this: If you’re looking for a loophole in the “Meat/Pudding” bill, you’re not gonna find one.

What about those citizens who don’t eat meat, those who are vegetarians for health or moral reasons?

I hope they like Jello

[laughter]

Do you worry that people will now be eating meat with the expectation of getting pudding which the government is not in a position to provide to them?

The president has never said anything about Government Pudding. We’re not in favor of pudding handouts, or passing the cost of pudding programs along to the taxpayer. But that said, if you’re interested in eating pudding…You should eat your meat.

How will this program be enforced? Do you expect local law enforcement to shoulder the burden?

The president honestly believes that respect for the law begins at home. Within the next few days we will roll out a new website containing instructions for parents regarding tips for properly shrieking at your children about pudding and/or meat, as well as learning games and activities for the whole family to share

Madam, Bill Cosby has issued a statement roundly denouncing the…

I’m sorry, that’s all the time we have for today. Good night, and god bless America. Even you. Yes, you behind the bikeshed! Stand still laddy, or we’ll revoke your press pass!

And you have a choice. Either a crossbreeding of Nick Nolte +

or Nick Nolte +

So either a Nolteflower, or a Noltcolli. Use whatever images you want.

…Or heck, I’m feeling generous. Use whatever vegetable you want!

Just leave Joey Pants out of it, OK? There ARE limits.

Only because some of you seem to have a weak stomach regarding our penchant for cross-celebrity mutations, I present the American Purple-top “Gary” Busnip hybrid (Corbett cultivar). With a stronger, more pungent taste than other varieties, the Busnip is commonly baked, occasionally steamed , but perhaps most popular when smashed, spiked with good-quality vodka, and heaped in a big pile in the middle of the dinner table. Enjoy!

***

BILL adds: Curse you, Randy Bachman!!

…Wanted to let you know he’s been having a great day, and his fully merged form only makes him more powerful.

Unlike Mr. Busey, it’s full of vitamins and dietary fiber, and won’t bite your leg off.

I feel confident I’ve made at least one person happy with this post:

Gary is in a huggin’ mood today.

***ADDED BY KEVIN***

But keep in mind, at any moment, without provocation, Gary can unhinge his powerful lower jaw and swallow you. Whole.

You can thank Nick Nolte. And Lipton Tea.

**Edit By Conor**

Research confirms that this is NOT in fact one of those novelty covers you can have your picture put on at JC Pennys, like Time “Man of the Year”, but in fact an actual People Magazine cover

It features two teenaged Korean girls singing what I imagine is a hit song about Money. Thought it is technically a duet, the girl on the right quickly makes it known that this is her show. As her meeker friend cowers in her presence, occasionally dropping to her knees in fits of embarassment/hilarity, the girl on the right flashes a wad of bills, busts out a variety of dance moves, raps in a Jabba The Hutt-esque voice and makes grusome faces at the camera. Amongst my friends, we referred to her as Money Funny, star of the video of the same name. My friend Greg watched Money Funny so many times that one night at two in the morning, the roomate who shared a wall with him had to pound on the wall to get him to stop watching it. She was heard to remark outloud to nobody in particular “He watches it all the time!!!”

Money Funny frequently topped lists of people we would like to meet. She was made into t-shirts. I used this site to make an enormous image of her for my wall. But aside from her one moment in the sun, we were left with no further updates on Money Funny. A friend of mine who worked for a phone company stumbled across a ringtone of the song they were singing, which was all we had to go on for some time.

Until last week. It turns out that Money Funny is the alias of Kim Shin Young, who, from what we can gather, is some sort of popular entertainer in Korea. Judging by the Youtube clips, she is still a dynamo who appears on reality programming and steals the show each time. I’d be surprised if she was above Kathy Griffin status on the celebrity ladder, but for me, this is the equivalent of when they found The Beatles “Free as a bird” and “Real Love” from the Anthology discs, only they don’t fill you with loathing and sadness, but rather joy and a sense that all is right with the world.

Enjoy these two clips of Money Funny/Kim Shin Young on some sort of dancing program. I can’t tell what is going on, but I’m happy that she’s still out there:

(Note the Money Funny-esque moves she tosses in at the end)

…asked me to wish you “good morning.”

He also wants you to know he’s feeling great, despite a rough night.

“Live each day as a gift from Heaven,” concluded Nick, in his message to you.

Step forth into your week knowing that somewhere, out there, Nick Nolte wishes you well. (And no, it’s not just because he wants you to drive him to Liquor Mart tonight, though that would be nice…)

But my friend, your days of Big-Eye Bragging could be coming to an end:

Colossal squid has largest eye ever seen

It has eyes the size of beach balls, a “killer arsenal” of hooked tentacles and, most chillingly, much larger relatives lurking in the icy ocean depths.Although the biggest and best preserved squid ever caught, weighing in at 1,089lbs, scientists concluded that it was not fully grown because of the size of its beak, which slowly emerged as the surrounding flesh defrosted.

[SNIP]
The scientists measured the creature’s eyes and found them to be nearly 11 inches wide - larger than a dinner plate and the biggest of any animal in the world.

“This is the largest eye ever recorded in history and studied,” said Swedish professor Eric Warrant of the University of Lund, who specialises in vision in invertebrates. “It has a huge lens the size of an orange and captures an awful lot of light in the dark depths in which it hunts.”

My question to you: are you going to accept this?

Saucer-eyed Ukrainian model Masha Tyelna has been devastated by the news, and won’t comment publicly…

But this renowned jazz drummer is not cowed…

Mr. Smith has promised to reassemble the now-dissected giant squid, reanimate the beast, then stare it down until it dies (again) from fright.

What are YOU going to do?

**UPDATE BY MIKE***

Very impressive. He’s got me beat.

**UPDATE BY KEVIN**

Beats me as well. Can’t hold a candle.

**

BC adds:

I am ashamed of my tiny eyes.

**UPDATE BY CONOR**

I don’t have a mac

Sam himself was a bald human guy who looked a bit like Wallace, of “and Gromit” fame.

The show ran until 1961, and the only character who went on to bigger things was the little lizard-frog-like thing called Kermit.

Here’s a few early clips. First Kermit and “Harry the Hipster,” doing his signature Visual Thinking bit. It’s funny, weird, and — with apologies to Poochie — “edgy” for its time:

Another strange-and-hillarious skit samples the sign-off lines of the big news anchor duo of the time, Huntley and Brinkley. Alas, no embedding available, but if you’re interested it’s a click away, HERE.

And though some may consider the Muppets a bit goopey and Disneyfied after all these years, they started as stone cold Killaz. Here’s an early commercial series they did:

So happy 53rd to the Muppets, the cutest sociopathic puppets ever not marooned in space. And R.I.P, Jim Henson.

(Lots more info here if you’re interested.)

None of the things he describes, including leaving after his ministrations with “your mattress on your back” seems the least bit appealing to me. But then I’m not a lady.

First of all, it’s free. There’s a great beer garden, rides for the kiddies, dirt-track racing and tractor pulls in the grandstand. Lots of animals of course, with daily pig races. And if the world’s largest steer isn’t enough, there’s also watermelon seed spitting, a women’s nail-driving contest, an animatronic chimpanzee on a bicycle (with training wheels, thank God); an accordion jamboree and a marionette theater. And every year, Dave “Cannonball” Smith shoots himself over the Ferris wheel. He’s 63.

So keep your stinkin’ Burning Man. The Free Fair is easier to get to, and nobody expects you to run around naked.

Hornswoggle is a seasoned professional athlete, just like Albert Pujols, Annika Sornestam, Kevin Garnett, or Road Runner.

I don’t want to influence you in any way, but I will point out that as I type this, Chuck Woolery is leading.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that capturing and recreating the landscape of the Nelson face is a herculean task, one that shouldn’t even be undertaken without huge reserves of patience and several tons of modeling clay. But I would also point out that mine is not the only likeness-resistant visage out there. My evidence: Chuck Woolery’s outsized bobble head.

You see? Not so easy. Rendered in painted fiberglass, Woolery is the spitting image of Mitt Romney.

Whose bobble head looks like… well, Chuck Woolery.

***
UPDATE by Bill: Legend has it that all white males sprang from this ancient demigod’s brow, and we bear His likeness to this day: